First Written Warning

Not yet 24 hours and I've been served my first written warning. By hand, no less.

[Knock Knock]

I bend down to look into the peep hole and the security guard is standing there brandishing paper. Firstly yes, I have to lean down because everything here is build on the assumption that I'm 5 foot 3. Secondly, I open the door and the paper turns out to be a typed letter. Highlights as follows:

SOCIALIST REPUBLIC OF VIET NAM

Independent  --  Freedom  -- Happiness

[My face pretends it is studying the page, but my mind  wanders disobediently  ... Wouldn't "Independence" sound better ...? Or perhaps a "Free"/"Happy" combo would sound fresher and contemporary ...? No, "Independence" is better ... more befitting of a governmental department.]

PAYMENT APOINTMENT MINUTE

[One typo didn't keep me interested for long.]

Today, 28th March 2009

We are Hoa Ngoc  Development Co., Ltd.

Herein referred to as the Party A

[Well that's just plain cute, isn't it?]

Party B [that's me] should pay Party A the apratment deposit and apartment Rent right after hand-over the apartment.

Because of some personal reasons, Party B [yep, me!] have just requested to put off all these payment above. The deadline for payment will be on 3rd April 2009.

[Personal reasons? I fail to see how "give me your bank details please" are personal reasons.]

Confirmed by Party A

[His signature, in pen]

Confirmed by Party B

[I fetched my special Stilnox pen for the occasion, signed it and wrote "I am waiting for your bank details, dipstick" underneath. I have the security guard the papers, he returned one of them, and departed with a pleased look on his face.  I have my suspicions about this government; you mark my words.]

Zayafka

No Tax 4 U!

Late landing request from the landlord about my rent. I can either:

a) pay it to an account in the US; or

b) open a special US-dollar bank account in Vietnam and give him power of attorney to withdraw from it.

Apparently my fantastic negotiation skills on Thursday had me agree to one of these options. 

I'm going with a).

This will no doubt end in tears. Mine.

Let me go on the record though, that I will Deep Throat this rhinestone-studded landlord if he crosses me ... even at the risk of Ben giggling at the DT entendre.

Post Purchase Cognitive Dissonance

I was finally inducted into the new apartment this evening at 8:16pm. We had to conduct the inventory walkthrough while I was on a conference call. My inventory guide didn't speak any English so it wasn't so rude. He didn't have any rhinestones on his jeans, either, so it's not like we'll ever be friends. 

Managed to say "I don't see any chopsticks in this drawer but they're listed on my inventory report and so can we please look harder or strike them off the list?", using only hand signals and some odd smiling thing, whilst on a call talking about whether our Russian client is just trying to find fault or has a point and if so what that point could be.

The rice cooker was sitting up on the bench when I walked in, pride of place. Phew. No toilet paper though. I'm going to conquer that damn cooker.

That new dwelling feeling is strange though. I always feel very discombobulated after moving to a new residence. I don't get it in a hotel room, so it's probably linked to the irrevokability of the choice.

I've found a lebanese restaurant (of all things) nearby and am now in it. I was the only person here at 9:30 and no one else has come in during the last hour. Friday night, too. There are 5 waiters, 4 bad hairstyles and 3 t-shirts with fresh spills down them. Staff lunch must have been poorly plated.

I'm going to somehow say "bingo" when I pay; just to break the ice. It's important to make friends in a new school. 

Blunt instruments

Had an extremely busy day with tight deadlines and angry client and too much work and stress and concentration. So I've been dans la zone all day; furiously typing, and formatting, and basically doing things which no one will read. But important, right ...

Anyway at one point Edwina pipes up out of the blue, for the tenth time, with something inane and distracting. This one I wrote down:

"Isn't it funny? Don't you think it's funny how people always think it's a lot further to walk --"

Me: "No. Edwina. Not now. I can't listen to this now. Sorry".

She didn't seem to mind at all.  I somehow think I'm not her first.

Worst lease ever

I forgot to negotiate an iron, ironing board and towels (tea or bath) with my landlord. I'm sure there are many others standard items as well. So I now have to steal some towels from the hotel before I check out, to tide me over for a week or so when I can buy some.

Yesterday,  when we walked through the apartment with the inventory list, I did ask if he supplied a rice cooker. Oh yes, I have successfully worked a rice cooker into my lease. (Get me.) I didn't ask for towels, or an ironing board, or an iron, or indeed anything of a standard, perfunctory nature. I was probably trying to sound Vietnamese during the negotiation or something, God knows. I've never even used a rice cooker.  Even when I was given one.

Dirty clothes

[Ring Ring]

"Hello Good Morning Hilton Reception this is Mai speaking how may I help you?

"Hello Mai I am checking out today and I was won—"

"Check out?"

"Yes I am checking out today. BUT—"

"Yes sir, what time you like to check out?"

"BUT I need to do my laundry. Is it possible to do my laundry and also check out?"

"Your Laundry, sir?"

"Yes. I am checking out today. But also I want to do laundry. Is it possible to do laundry?"

"Laundry."

"Laundry. And check out."

"Yes sir. You have a laundry bag sir?"

"Yes."

"Please leave laundry in room. You want me call housekeeping to pick up?"

"Yes but not until I now if I can also check out. Is this possible?"

"Check out?

"Yes. Check out AND laundry. Is that OK?"

"Check out? What time you check out?

"Umm. Early I think. Morning. Now. Soon. L"

-- Check out now? OK. No problem. Please come to reception for check out.

"What about my laundry?"

-- Is there anything else I can help you with sir?

"Yes I just want to ask about my laun—"

" Thank you, sir. You're welcome, sir."

[Click]

Les Fleurs du Mal

By the way I negotiated that the landlord buy me some bedding because I don't have time and want to move in tomorrow. I had visions of arriving to new, fresh floral extravaganza.

So then, right, I write the agent an email and say:

"If the landlord is buying any bedding for me could you just ask it to be only white? I have very simple tastes so no patterns please."

So gay.

expression of the day

"Flash as a rat with a gold tooth."

Best expression. Ever.

Holy holy

I am working with someone who begins his emails with: 

"Dear [Name],

"Blessed morning! ..."

I kid you not.

Lease

Met the new landlord. We argied. And we bargied. Then I signed the lease.

At one point I tried to look intent and negotiatingly ... which is like "lovingly" for relaxed but serious businessmen like me. But I don't think they bought it. I don't think my body language was smooth enough, eg my inelegant trajectory when lifting the glass from table to lips.

Lesson: come with a laundry list of stuff you want in the apartment and use them as bargaining chips.

But I managed to get a 1-month termination agreed, but he insisted it was both ways. I guess that's fair but I still ensured that the wording of the English version (which I updated on my computer, casually smiling and relaxed) would protect my interests, give only me the power to terminate the lease, and make it hard for him to rip me off.

He seemed nice though: very strong hair gel and random rhinestones on his jeans.

Word back from Trang

"Hi Anthony!

"Thank you for enquiry. My normal fee for the beginner's level is $15USD per 2 hours (you get an extra 30 minutes for free) That breaks down to one hour of instruction and one hour of oral practice ..."

30 minutes free? So here's my breakdown. If I always get 30 mins free then I'm really paying $15 for 2½ hours, non? But then when she breaks it down, there's only one hour of this, and one hour of that. So 2 hours. What is going on in the other 30 minutes? 

Free? Let's not forget her website: "the more you pay, the faster you learn".

I have this image in my head of the lesson with Trang: she arrives at 10am and we have 2 hours of laughs, activities, tears (on my part) and cheers (on hers). Then, at midday, a hitherto-obscured alarm clock goes off. Trang stops mid sentence, turns the alarm clock off, sets it on the table between us and we both stare at it, silently, for 30 minutes. After 30 miutes which point she gets up, shakes my hand, I thank her and she leaves.

Moneyshot Girl

This was the title of the t-shirt I wore tonight. I think the slutty woman on it made my colleague quite intrigued. 

"Excuse me what means this moneyshot?"

I told him it was really nothing, which only bought me 10 minutes. Then it comes again:

"Moneyshot? What is?"

Me: "Not a good word. Don't type this into Google" ... then ... "Don't type this into Google using your work computer".

He was married 3 weeks ago but I don't think he's ready for this.

Cheesel: don't type this into Google. You won't like what you find.

cuckold the sequel

Let's just call it a "sub-optimal" outcome.

i'll give you cuckold, mate

I have accepted (but not signed) the apartment which is outside town.  I sent an sms to the agent saying I would take it, he confirmed the rate and conditions and I need to sign this afternoon.

So later this morning, I received an sms from another agent regarding an earlier enquiry I made on the web. So I have arranged to see another apartment at 12:30 today.

I am now playing the game. 

Of course, I expect the whole thing to blow up in my face.

apartment

I'm going to take the one that's a bit out of town, if they will accept short-term.

My waistline is not going in a good direction and this has a small gym downstairs. That's enough for now. 

Au revoir, gras.

I really think so

This on another website advertising Vietnamese lessons:

"You'll be surprised at how far a little Vietnamese will go." 

On what? A ham sandwich?

It actually reminds me of another scene from yesterday. One of Edwina's tales of derring-doo ended with:

"... and then all the little Vietnamese seemed quite OK with it ..." or something like that.

Me: "Little Vietnamese? Little, eh?

- "Well yes haven't you looked around?" [Stands up, flattens her hand and raises it to chin level] "Most of them probably only come up to here."

"Yes but the term is a bit condescending. I was hoping you'd stop using it, not explain it further with science."

It reminds me of a few days ago when I was saying how annoying I found one of the Russians we're working with. She started shaking her body going "Yes, it does get annoying doesn't it?" to which I replied "It's not his Parkinson's that I find annoying, it's his attitude." 

"OK but it is annoying too, right?"

-- "No. Please stop doing that. It's not funny."

"OK. Fair enough."

A new day, a new story

To sufferers of WAAD, it is not uncommon to interrupt any group conversation or meeting with a new anecdote. This just in:

"My son has taught his friends how to say 'I am tired and I want to go to bed' In Italian.

"So he and his friends say that in class and the teacher has no idea what they are saying ... cheeky bugger."

The apple is 18 and a first-year law student. And not rolling very far.

A new agent, a new day.

I'm off to see a 4-bed apartment now.  It's near the Truc Bach lake area but I fear it's too big, even taking into account my recent weight gain.

Breakfast conversation with my Vietnamese colleague:

"You should eat more. That is not enough."

Me: "No. It's enough. I am getting too fat eating all the time in the hotel."

"Oh. Yes. Fat. Probably this is enough."

Word Association Anecdote Disorder

That's the name of the disease my colleague has. Yesterday, as I was leaving the office: 

Me: "I'm off now. I'm not going straight to the hotel, though. So no point sharing a cab."

Her: "Where are you going?"

"Chemist"

-- "What are you getting?"

"Toothpaste"

-- "Oh. I got toothpaste just before I left Australia to come away here. It was on my shopping list for Coles. Toothpaste and shampoo. I always go to Coles just before I leave and toothpaste is always on the top of my list."

[So I try to pretend I didn't really hear the full story.]

"I went to Coles for Vegemite and Tim Tams and I forgot the Tim Tams."

-- "I got all my things just before I left. From Coles. I took a long list with me the night before."

[So I try to change the story.]

"Didn't you get a night flight?"

-- "Yes you're right. So I guess technically it was the day before I left. Not the night. Althought it was Thursday so everything is open late anyway, even in Lane Cove."

"So do you want me to get you anything at the chemist? Toothpaste?

-- "No thanks. Already got it. Not from the chemist, though. I got everything from Coles."

"Oh. OK. Bye then."

Toothpaste at Coles! That's not a fucking story. Maybe if she stole it. But she bought it ... from Coles ... I mean ... Coles ...

The toothpaste I eventually bought is called Germicheck. Which is why I bought it.