selamat bule

Today my taxi pulled up at the traffic lights and the driver looked at another taxi beside us, pointed at a pudgy Dutch-looking thing sitting in the back, turned his head to me and giggled:

"Same same you - bule"

Ensuring that I didn't miss spotting a fellow white person.

Headaches

I interviewed a job candidate today.


Enthusiasm ...

Why do you want to change jobs?

-- "Sometimes my personality gives me headaches."

No means no ...

Sometimes you need to say no to a client, right?

-- "Yes. Sometimes yes." 

Could you give an example when you said no?

-- "I was working on a project last year and our client – she asked us to do all this work that wasn't in our contract. I said no, because it wasn't part of our contract."

What did she say?

-- "Well in the end she forced us to do the work for free."

So in the end you said yes?

-- "Yes."

Me: Why didn't you say no?

-- "Because I was scared of her."

Me: "Any other examples of when you said no?

-- "Just that one."

I started to giggle, strained it into a smile and he smiled back warmly.

Cry Babies

There was an interesting contrast in the SMH today.

Do we leave this page concerned for our Qantas frequent flyer points balance and not Sabaya?

 

Leech

Today I'm interviewing someone who received his MBA in Finance from the Simbiosis Centre for Distance Learning.

I imagine that once employed he will be hard to shake off, no matter where he is.

Audit

Garuda is Indonesia's flagship carrier. 


In 2007 it was banned from all European airports due to safety concerns. This was very embarrassing for Garuda (and for Indonesia) and they underwent a significant revamp of their aircraft, service and safety. 

In 2009 Europe let them back in.

Today a colleague sent me a link about the new Garuda, where they are groping applicants to ensure no (explosive) breast implants. My favourite quote:
"She declined to be named, saying she was still waiting to hear whether she had got a job after the tests last month."

It reminded me of another recent in-flight incident: photos of a Cathy Pacific flight attendant blowing her co-pilot. Favorite quote this time is a headline from China:
"Cathay Pacific: pilot, stewardess fired after cockpit orgies."

Another favourite comes from the Virgin Atlantic crew member who thought he was using the internal communication system and announced "Wake up you cunts" on the flight from Orlando.  I tried to find out more information about this by googling the words VIRGIN CUNTS ... big mistake on a heavily monitored work computer.

memiliki

Rag Down

Today in WA Today:

A 60-year-old car wash manager accused of groping a "chamois girl" and forcing her to perform a sexual act on him has been described by his lawyer as "desperately lonely and in need of love and affection."

Chamois sounds sexy. They should have called it a rag. People steer clear of Rag Girls. 

Awe-

This was how the first headline read:

It evokes images of her leaning against a pram and staring at red Toyota Prius. "One day we'll own a car, too", she mumbles to the baby.

Later today the headline was updated and it became clear that the Prius had not been stationary:

They didn't update her photo, which reminds us how sad it is when a stereotype meets with a sticky end.

If she had been 2 aboriginal kids, the newspaper would probably use a stock photo of black kids defacing a building.

Please Come Back - But Not Yet

This afternoon, Basement Level, Wisma Mulia

Restaurant Gulali used to be quite popular until a rival opened up a few months ago.

This sign is so cute I could eat it. Less so the food.

Notice the "old logo" wording at the bottom? Also edible.

Overheard in the marketing workshop: "Let's tell the customers that we're going to change, but make sure we still offer the same food."

Algunas Fotos Recientes - Los Cansados

This city doesn't need Ramadan to fall into a state of constant sleep deprivation.

Minimart downstairs from my apartment building

I am very familiar with the storeroom at the back of my minimart and often help the staff rifle around for a fresh case of soda water. 

Yesterday this was sticking out from the door. The storeroom is usually jam packed, so Sleeping Beauty must have removed those boxes to make room, or become bored during a soda water hunt.

That'll do," he said as he nestled down into his makeshift swag.

Business Meeting, Plaza Indonesia, 5 June 2011

Good to see that I'm not the only boss that this happens to.

The boss (centre back, grey shirt) is giving a speech to his 25 staff. None of them is paying attention to him. Not one.

Look closely you will see that most are punching away at their Blackberries. The remainder are either staring off into space or cradling their chins in their hands with their eyes closed.

This is very common in my office as well: where attendance, not attention, is the main game.

In my meetings, if I see that ALL people are tuning out at the same time I keep myself interested by maintaining the same tone of voice but adding nonsense into my sentences, like "So for next quarter our focus is blue potatoes going to be delivery excellence."

Jakarta, Plaza Indonesia, most mornings

Nearly every morning I see this chick taking a nap with her motorbike helmet beside her. I guess she's too junior to be trusted with the keys.

In a couple more years she will get promoted and sleep inside in a little bed fashioned from the clothes on the discount rack.

If A Picture Paints A Thousand Words ...

... then I don't have to write so many.

Family Lunch, La Hacienda Mexican Restaurant, May 2011

This family was out for a Sunday lunch a few weeks ago and brought their uniformed nanny along to keep them from having to interact with the child.

This is an expensive restaurant for Jakarta, which is probably why they also carried separate food for the nanny - in this case a 50c cup of noodles. The waiter seated the guests, handed out menus and filled her cup with hot water. 

Nanny has started eating before the others have ordered but this is not rude because when the nice food arrives she will be busy feeding the child.

It is not unusual to see a nanny sitting at a nice restaurant, surrounded by fine dining while wolfing down something from a local street stall.

The family will tell you earnestly that their nanny doesn't like western food, this food that they have never once offered her. They will tell you that she would be uncomfortable eating along with the family or using cutlery, this family who has never made her feel comfortable or offered her cutlery.

Sometimes Nanny and kids are banished to a kids' table. She stand beside the children and forks food into their mouths (she's quite adept with cutlery, as it turns out). Sometimes she is sitting alone at that horrible table next to the toilet, alert to a toddler emergency.

Sometimes the nanny has the world "Governess" embroided onto her sleeve and this adds a curious tension to the afternoon: that a children's choir could emerge at any point.

Some restaurants make signs like "no outside food to be brought onto the premises" but also add that the rule does not apply to nannies.

Banda Aceh, Aceh Tsunami Museum, May 2011

During the 90s and early 00' the tourist numbers in Banda Aceh started declining. Killing and kidnapping will do that to your tourism industry.

In 2004 the tsunami hit and Aceh was on the closest point of land to its epicentre. Most of its buildings and all of its infrastructure were wiped out. 

200,000 people died in this small province alone and every Acehnese lost several close friends and relatives to this tragedy. For this reason, tourists should be careful never ask a local about their experience at this time.

7 years on, there is still little left of the town. Closer to the shore there are rows of pre-fab homes which were built immediately in the aftermath. These were abandoned for years while people overcame their trauma and superstitions oin order to move back to their former suburb.

Aceh's only museum was funded with restoration money and the visitors were all locals when I was there.

This inaccurate depiction of people fleeing the tsunami wave is a popular stopping point in the museum. The girl posing in this photo probably had friends or family members amongst those plastic people.

I saw many girls smiling and draping themselves around this railing in a seductive manner; all Muslim and slutty like. I saw grinning people with thumbs up and others making rabbit ears behind their friends' heads. I saw one guy mock fleeing from this wave, seemingly showing the plastic people how it's really done.

Another museum exhibit is of a local house and there is a long queue. The house shakes as it simulates getting hit by a tsunami -– and the queue can peer inside as you rehearse those final moments when your house is unhinged from its foundations or collapses around you. A crowd formed as we took our turn, people giggling and pointing in a that-white-guy-is-so-shit-at-tsunamis kind of way.

La mesa, June 2011

Airport Checkpoint, Medan Airport

Once you've checked in you are free to come and go and there is no need to show your ticket to anyone.

This type of security at a major domestic airport seems to imply that either Indonesia believes it has no risk of terrorism or has no chance of stopping it.

Brace Yourself

In a developing country like Indonesia – whose economy collapsed after the Asian currency crisis of 1998 – orthodontic services were in short (or no) supply until recently and the rich would have sent their children overseas for braces. As they still do for education.

Most families find it hard to afford orthodontists and their children have to go without. Luckily Indonesians have pretty good dental hygeine and nice teeth, especially compared with the rest of Asia.

It is increasingly common to see adults wearing dental braces and many a Jakartan smile is adorned with a row of metal.

Arief is the boyfriend of someone I know. I have only met him a few times but last Saturday I noticed his braces had been removed and mentioned it to him. He smiled back through a row of perfect white teeth.

"Congratulations." I said.

At that point someone whispered that the braces had not been for straightening hsi teeth; that they were purely cosmetic. 

So I asked him:

"Did you need braces for your teeth?"

-- "No. Accessories only."

"Accessories? REALLY ...?"

-- "Yes."

"Why"

-- "Fashion."

"How long did you have them?"

-- "6 months"

It has become fahionable to wear dental braces, real dental braces which applied by an orthodontist but without any tightening bands. This luxury, unuttainable to many, carries social status.

It's fashion, Jim, but not as we know it.

It may sound strange but judge ye not: there are many worse crimes being committed in the name of fashion. Like selling your kidney for an iPad 2. Or carrying a dog around in a Fendi Baguette. 

Algunas Fotos Recientes - Las Compras

1. Chicken Caesar Salad, Mad For Garlic restaurant, Grand Indonesia

Indonesians love salad dressing. They fucking love it. Some of the salads are best described as "served soupingly".

This afternoon I did my best to get through the Signature Caesar at Mad for Garlic.

The dish won.

2. Bikes For Rent, Kota

I don't understand why they pair a summer hat with each rental bike, but I like it.

I also like it when the punters wear these hats as they ride the bike.

Nits and all.

3. Cocktail Menu, Bibliotheque

I remember the days when a Californian Mother Fucker was the cheapest bitch on the menu.

I don't know why they jacked up the prices but I blame Governor Schwarzenegger.

4. Laden With Stories, Traffic lights, Jalan Sisingamangaraja, Jakarta

This, a couple of days after the assassination.

NowI regret not buying it. I would have whited out the "ING" added a comma after "UP" and a couple of exclamation marks after "LADEN".

5. Save The Women And Children.

... for dessert.

This dish is known colloquially as "The Sharon Tate".

6. Wandering Around Ranch Market, Basement Level, Plaza Indonesia

Australia's Finest

No one in Australia has ever heard of this product.

Comme un poisson hors de l'eau

These little guys live between the pasta aisle and the yoghurt fridge and seem to be screaming "let me out".

By way of contrast ...
These little fellas seem much more content in the afterlife.

It's nice to see entrails finding happiness in death, considering the things they are asked to do in life.

7. Please Tell Me Which Honey Bread Am I - eX Mall

The only legend here is that this scary dish is considered "Jakarta's Best Dessert".

I don't know what this Honey Bread looks like. Or if it even exists. I have never seen someone eat in there. Perhaps it's a myth. Or some kind of um legend. Get it now.

8. Sticker Lifter, Home-Fix The D.I.Y Store, Plaza Indonesia

There is nothing remarkable about this plastic lever, except that it removes stickers from things.

Oh. And it kills people.

Judging by the DANGER warning, one can assume that someone, somewhere, was done in.

The doctor explaining it to the next of kin:

"He swallowed the sticker lifter and I'm afraid he didn't make it."

On the death certificate:

"Cause of Death: Sticker Lifter"

At the burial:
The family frantically using their fingernails to remove the sticker on the cheap tomb stone

At the inquest:
The judge orders the National Sticker Lifter Association to comply with strict new labelling regulations.

dari

conjunction: dari, daripada, kecuali

Mrs Brady

http://www.watoday.com.au/technology/security/elderly-woman-loses-life-savings-to-indian-scammers-20110607-1fpya.html?from=smh_ft

The only thing shocking about this article is that Edna, at 80, had access to $57,000. I mean ... look at her. Just look at her.

If she has $57,000 then of course she's a sitting duck. I could shake that thing down for cash in 2 minutes with some smelling salts and a bag of compliments. Quack quack.

Edna should be thankful that these "Indians" didn't come over and knock her out. Or off.

"Edna Sloan, 80, lost $57,000 to elaborate Indian scammers."

This caption underneath the photo is completely misleading:

1. It claims that Edna "lost" this money. This is not true. She didn't leave it on a bus. She didn't make choices on the ponies. She tossed it across the Indian Ocean like a hot potato.
2. It calls the Indian scammers "elaborate". There's nothing "elaborate" about telling Edna to keep her trap shut ... it's the oldest trick in the paedophile book. Moreover, Indian scammers should be ashamed of themselves for being a bunch of lazy amateurs with poor attention to detail. I mean ... Edna still has a large floral couch. And I see a microwave back there in the distance. A professional wouldn't have left a skerick. Elaborate my arse.
3. How do we even know that the scammers were Indian? It is tempting to blame Indian telemarketers for all ills, but doesn't it all sound a little clichéd? Dennis was too quick to point his grimy little index finger at India. I wonder if Edna's immediate family was properly questioned by the police? What's to stop Dennis from using an Indian accent to scam Edna out of a few grand? He knows the target ... her weak points ... and the old girl would have been so thrown by the accent that she wouldn't even notice an accidental "Mum" from time to time.
4. What are those documents she's holding? The transcripts of her bank transfers? Can't be. Look at the page on the top - it's not a bank transfer. Someone plopped some old bank statements into her hands for the photo shoot and Edna once again just did what some stranger told her to do.

I prefer this slogan:

"Edna Sloan gave $57,000 to her son Dennis, an Indian impersonator"

But most of all I am suspicious of Edna. By the age of 80, people are either very rich or financially fucked. Edna's hair clearly proves the latter. So where did this money come from? And why was it sitting in a bank, doing nothing? This is the type of geriatric selfishness that would force her own children to take what's theirs. Just as God intended.

Let this serve as a word of warning to Cheesel:

When this happens to you old girl - and you mark my words it will - don't expect to be left there sitting on a luxurious floral couch, entertaining the media (and me) in a dated white twin-set. There will be no couch and no microwave. And no documentary evidence.

You'll be left on a plastic stool, dressed in a ratty tracksuit, eating slops.

I can see it now.

No, I really can:

Cheesel, December 2009, Barbecue Restaurant, 47 Ma Mai, Hanoi

Sinking Ships

Here are some ads which are running on Indonesian television.

The first one shows a woman sitting in her comfortable, happy home talking about her comfortable, happy marriage. Call her Sharon.

Watch it first ...

iklan resik-v manjakani - take 1:

Ahem.

Apparently the translation goes something like this: after a couple of kids, the "lady muscles" aren't as elastic as they once were.

That's where vaginal tightening ointment comes in. 

The formula is simple. She knows that this impending marital friction will be her fault; or more accurately, her cunt's fault. Loose lips sink good marriages.

Queue ointment with acorn/hazelnut/Ferrero Roche hybrid as key ingredient.

As the animation shows - nay, proves - that her cervix has contracted back to a tidy V. The rubber proves that so has her vagina.

"Spoil yourself, spoil your husband" and the marriage is saved.

The product name translates to "treating rehearsal vagina", although I imagine "rehearsal" is slang for "lazy".

This next one shows Sharon boasting to her friends. I could spend hours watching the one who applaudes vigorously ...

iklan resik-v manjakani - take 2:

This next ad is more of a farmyard version. Gloria (a decidedly rougher version of Sharon) is ignored by her strapping, body-building husband. No doubt as to why.

He tries to chase tighter tail until she rubs in a bit of Treating Rehearsal Vagina and Voilà! Her cervix contracts while her hair and clothes are transformed as well. The hubby runs back to her arms, only to find that she's flirting with a 12 year old Hell's Angel. I image her womb is looking tidier as well but they didn't animating that, so no proof.

iklan resik-v manjakani - take 3:

This whole thing - the ointment, the adverts, the story - could only have been created by men. Then again, they say the only people who hate women more than men do, are other women.

Bottom Of The Barrel

On a conference call this morning. There were about 10 people on the call, from all around the region:

Me: "Kurniawan are you in the office this morning? You can come to my desk for this call."

K: "No. At home today."

Me: "Are you sick or something?"

K: "Diarrhoea. From the bottom. [announced to the world] I don't know how I got it, you know? But a lot of diarrhoea. So I can't come to work"

It also reminded me of when I first met Kurniawan, earlier this year. We were having lunch with J, one of our new consultants visiting from Singapore:

Me: "Actually, Kurni, I heard your wife just had a baby?" [The previous week I'd been approached to sign a card and eat some cake.]

J: "Congratulations! So how many children do you have?"

K: "Yes. New baby just last month. We have 4 kids now."

J: "Wow. 4 kids. That's a handful."

K: "We only wanted 3 and my wife is having the IUD for 6 years already then suddenly this. The IUD not working. It was working fine for 6 years so now after 3 boys we have a girl. You know even with IUD you can never be sure."

As a topic of conversation, there is nothing lurid or shocking about contraception. It's just a little awkward to introduce it early into a business relationship.

Google Google Google

Gmail just popped up with this when I pressed the send button.

They were right.

And I was impressed.

Oh So Pretty. Vacant.

There are no words to describe America's most famous child circus performer, whose repertoire is as vast as it is popular.

Her Vegas showgirl routine must make the paedophiles go wild - especially now that Justin Bieber is a bit long in the tooth.

This is it: dolly: her:

I don't see a "showgirl" here. The make-up is way too funereal.

I only see a pillow and a noose.

Because JonBenét Ramsey wrecked it for everyone.

Fontaine, Je Ne Boirai Pas De Ton Eau

The mystery is somewhat solved.

A body was found in the fountain.

And it wasn't mine. Still doesn't explain the continued military presence.

Best Thing About Murdering Osama No 1

We all went up a notch on the "FBI Most Wanted" list.

Free Lunch

I've just had my first refusal for lunch.

We were looking out the window at all the military and my colleague said it was probably a tip-off from intelligence that something was going down.

I shared my fears about being the only visible foreigner working in this building. I also joked that it's not safe to have lunch with me. He laughed loudly before gently refusing my invitation.

"Oh no Anthony I'm not having lunch today I think."

Sure.