Email Response Message of the Day

This just in. 

"I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message. This is a permanent error; I've given up.  Sorry it didn't work out."

Vietnamese in 8 Easy Steps

As far as I can work out, the whole country is run on 7 words:

1. Saow;

2. Boim;

3. Ding;

4. Coum;

5. Meuo;

6. Owm; and

7. Baa.

When you ask someone for a word in Vietnamese they will select something from this list. They will also ensure you do not leave them until you have pronounced it correctly 3 times.

Later, when you go to use that word with someone else, this new person will stare at you blankly for 4 awkward attempts before admitting that they have no idea what you are saying.  After much effort on your part and no help on theirs, they will understand. They will then tell you that this word is never used normal conversation. It is too formal, or too informal, or only for an old man, or only used in the south, or a type of mango. They will then select another word (from the remaining 6) and not let you go until you can pronounce it correctly.

This process of elimination will follow you down a conga line of 5 well-meaning teachers until you have pronounced 7th and last remaining word correctly.

At the 8th person, you will be stared at blankly for a bit before being advised to use the original word. This (and only this) is the word you should use. It is easiest one for foreigners to remember, and everyone will understand what you mean.

Scabby Blue Propositions

Whenever eating out in Hanoi, it is almost guaranteed that someone will approach you brandishing a fistful of used, dirty, blue plastic sandals. They will hold them up to your face, point at your feet and ask you to consider something.

It even happens when you're wearing thongs or trainers, which rules out a shoe polish.

Whether you sit indoors or outdoors. Whether at a street stall or a fancy schmance restaurant. Whether you're upstairs or downstairs. Probably even while working a plough. Someone will inevitably approach you with a scabby blue sandal proposition. 

I don't really know what they're proposing, but I want in.