How Do You Make Her Stay And Listen To What You Say

For more than a week I have been trying to meet with Maria to understand why she still hasn't done my expenses. Today the meeting was held.

We finally locked in a time this afternoon. Maria arrived at my desk, looking pleased as she annonced that everything was completed and it just needed my approval to submit.

Me: "Let me log in and check it all now, before you go."

Maria: "OK."

Me: "Wow - this is a really slow connection."

Maria: "Yes that's why it took me 2 weeks because it's slow and ..."

Me: "I meant 5 minutes slow, not 2 weeks slow. And actually it's been more than—"

Maria: "... and also gets a connection error. Wait. You'll see."

Me: "Oh! Yeah. Why is that ...?"

So that shut me up quicker than a punch in the mouth. I pressed the button again and it went through but by then the moment was lost.

I needed to rely on memory when I checked the items as I don't keep copies of expenses (no comments please Cheesel). She had missed out a lot of information.

Me: "Maria I've been to Malaysia twice but there's only one trip here."

Maria: "Yes that's what I was confused about. Why you had 2 air tickets."

Me: "One was in May and one was in June. Anyway next time you're confused you should call me and ask me. Please don't just do nothing."

Maria: "Huh?"

Me: "Nothing."

Me: "But anyway these are really late now."

Maria: "Yes I know. The system is very slow."

Me: "What about my flight from Vietnam? Where is that?"

Maria: "Oh—I don't—Didn't—You should have ... OK I'll add that."

Me: "And there are no per diems entered anywhere."

Maria: "You want I put in per diems?"

Me: "Yes. I'm entitled to them and you need to include them - always."

Maria: "Sure. You're welcome"

Me: "I didn't actually ... never mind. So when can you finish these? I want to check them again before they are submitted."

Maria: "Before I go home."

Me: "OK then I'll —"

Maria: "—or before tomorrow lunch"

Me: "Oh. So when then?"

Maria: "Today or tomorrow lunch."

Me: "So before you go home please tell me what you have finished and I will check it. Then tomorrow lunch time I will check the rest"

Maria: "OK Mr Anthony. Bye."

Me: "Hey Maria - sorry. Umm ... wait please. What's this? This says I had a taxi ride in Vietnam that cost me $300,000 USD."

Maria: [laughs briefly, then reverts to a bored, non-plussed look] "Oh so I put USD. It should be local currency actually."

That girl could be my ticket outta here after all. I hope handcuffs are not involved.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 10

We have a security guard on each of floors - not unusual for South-East Asia. In Indonesia, the more proactive ones will lead foreigners from the lift and open the door for us- easing us through the confusion.

My floor's security guard is proactive and gentle and this morning he had a new accessory hanging from his belt: handcuffs.

Everyone needs to swipe their badge before entering the office and there is a "no tailgating" rule. Perhaps he's going to step up the compliance?

Or maybe he tells his wife and kids that he's off to fight some serious crime (rioting mall nannies and the like). Imagine their disappointment when they pay a surprise visit to Dad's work - like when Marge Simpson paid an impromptu visit to her father and realised--as he strapped on an apron and started pushing the trolley down the aisle--that he wasn't the pilot.

As far as I'm concerned, handcuffs should be left in the bedroom where they belong and I'm going tell him this while he's choking and cuffing me in the doorway.