Cum’s for Thanking

I haven’t heard back from Trang for the past 3 weeks so I don’t think our Vietnamese lessons are going ahead. I think she’s given up on me and I don’t blame her. I was a bad student with a terrible attitude. She was a bad teacher with condescending eyebrows and a sullen mouth. With so much in common it’s a shame it didn’t work out.

Luckily I still have the 12 lessons I downloaded from the Vietnamese Survival Phrases web site.

Each lesson begins with a musical intro: 4 bars of such dischordant Chinese percussion that if music was racist this is how it would sound. Immediately after the music finishes in comes the VSP catchphase “You’ll be surprised at how far a little Vietnamese will go.” It’s my favourite line. I imagine a Vietnamese person running down the street banging on various percussion instruments with a stick, This is not racist because it’s funny.

The lessons themselves are delivered by a perennially cheery Vietnamese American woman who gives you the impression that this is the best job she’s ever had. She seems to be about 23 and I imagine her as a bit plump with decent knockers, greasy hair and lots of friends. As she speaks, she is so excited and positive that I detect occasional squeals trying to escape. I’m not sure if she thinks she’s attending a child’s birthday party or having an orgasm. So I nicknamed her Soon Yi to cover both bases. 

I have come to the realization that Soon Yi has been lying to me since the get go. Each lesson is turning out to a 4-minute glimpse into a seemingly basic (yet ultimately misleading) phrase. It’s hard enough to communicate in Vietnamese without these podcasts getting in the way of progress. I’ll give you an example.

Soon Yi dedicates our first lesson to thank you very much! and allocates the full 4 minutes to it. I am a seasoned language student and know how important it is to say such common phrases correctly. So I listen to this podcast 4 or 5 times to ensure that my accent and tones are outstanding.

Step one. We learn how to say thank you:

“Cảm ơn”

Cảm lies somewhere between “gum” and “cum”. If it was a suburb it would definitely be on the wrong side of the tracks and possibly pregnant or smoking dope. 

The C sound is pronounced like a hard “G” but not aspirated. It’s like saying “gum” when you’ve got a cold. This is the same as Thai so I found it easy. 

The strange question mark above the ả tells you to use a particular tone. I don’t like this tone at all. It is not only nasally, but rises and falls slightly throughout the syllable. It begins like a whining toddler who has lost one of those small plastic toys from the Fruit Loops boxes (“Muuummm”). However, before you know it the tone is ended abruptly finished with a gulp … much like a fish taking in air. So to put them together, imagine the kid starts to whine (“Muuuumm”) before accidentally swallowing the small plastic toy (which was in his mouth the whole time).

Ơn is pronounced like “urn”. Soon Yi tells me that this word has no tone at all, but when I try to say it the same way as she does I find it emasculating. My normal speaking voice was not particularly deep to begin with and this is about 5 semitones higher. It requires a bit of singing.

“Cảm ơn”

“Cảm ơn”

“Cảm ơn”

Got it.

Step two. We learn how to say very much: 

“Rất nhiều”

The pronunciation of this is actually quite straightfoward. And fun. It rhymes with “Fuck You”. So it’s basically “Rut New”, made to rhyme with “fuck you” said in a strong Vietnamese accent. As I practice this I imagine I’m a disgruntled shopkeeper in Cabramatta, mumbling under my breath,

Rất has a rising tone. You say it with an element of surprised enquiry, like the Whaaa in “Whaaat? You can’t be serious?!”

Nhiều has a falling tone. It sounds like how you would say “New” when you are disappointed. As I practice it I imagine I’m a puppy who isn’t allowed to go for a walk. A disappointed talking puppy.

“rất nhiều”

“rất nhiều”

“rất nhiều”

Got it. 

“Cảm ơn rất nhiều”

“Cảm ơn rất nhiều”

“Cảm ơn rất nhiều”

I’m a legend.

That night, armed with my shiny new phrase, I go out to eat. It is a very nice restaurant with great food and mean waitresses. As one of them clears my plate away I decide to soften her up with a bit of humble foreigner. I am a professional humble foreigner.

“Cảm ơn rất nhiều!” I say, beaming politely. She stops clearing, straightens up and stares at me. Her face is so expressionless that she must have been practising this in the mirror since high school. So I say it again and elevate my cheeriness: “Cảm ơn … rất nhiều!!”. She gives me a quick shake of her head as if a fly has landed on her nose. As I start looking for the fly her face reverts back to blank staring. In I go again: “Cảm ơn rất nhiều”. More of the same blank. I am feeling less and less thankful with each attempt. She stands there a bit longer, before quickly shaking off another fly and walking away from the table. 

A few moments later she returns with a menu. She hands me the menu, opened at the Cocktails page and tries to help me find something which might sound like a “Cảm ơn rất nhiều”. This is quite embarrassing but I persevere. “No no no! I am saying Cảm ơn rất nhiều – you know – this is thank you very much in Vietnamese! Cảm ơn rất nhiều? Thank you very much?”. By this time my voice is starting to take on a slightly distressed, pleading tone. Silence. She stares down at me. I stare back up at her. More silence.  I hear a dull thud as my dignity hits the floor. Her index finger takes charge and returns us both into the Cocktail menu. I order a Margherita and thank her in English. As she walks away I mumble “Cảm ơn fuck you” under my breath.

Trang must have seen this coming a mile off. No wonder she dumped me.