This Rose's Other Name Don't Smell So Sweet

Had an enlightening dinner meeting this evening.

During the entree our MD leaned over to me, sheepishly, with a nervous smile:

"Did you know Anthony ... that in Bahasa your surname has another meaning?"

"It's probably Mustard", I thought, "or Cabbage. But it can't be Cabbage or they would have already told me. Why didn't they tell me? Hmm ... this can't be good".

I maintained my composure and widened my eyes.

-- "Oh reeeally? What's that then?"

"Well actually it's a slang word and it's not so good." he said.

Cunt immediately sprang to mind. "There's an 88% chance that it's Cunt", I thought.

-- "Oh ... yes ...?"

"Well this slang ...You know how we shorten everything in Jakarta slang, right ...? [Indonesians struggle to get to the point] So this is like an expression. It's actually two words put together."

Gunt immediately sprang to mind. Then Fugly.

-- "Hmmm? Really? So what does it mean then?"

I smiled warmly, then looked away with an air of slight disinterest. You're more likely to get the truth if you appear just a little disengaged - it creates an empty space for the speaker to fill. It also makes them work a bit harder to fill it with interesting details, because they are jockeying for your attention. This technique works perfectly for obtaining gossip, too. It's not unlike dropping a hanky.

"Well it means a crazy man. But ... like ... not like in English. It a bit more insulting."

Christian immediately sprang to mind. Closely followed by Republican.

-- "Insulting? Why?"

And so on and so forth. He patiently explained the origin and various situations where this word would be used. Taking usage and context into account, I eventually worked out the equivalent word in Australian slang: Fuckwit.

By now, this particular fair maiden was less than impressed by how the hanky was being retrieved.

So in summary, I soon realised that my surname is Fuckwit. I am Anthony Fuckwit.

I then started to smell smoke ... thinking about all the times my surname had been used over the past few weeks.

This word also has the same spelling and pronunciation as my surname, which kills any possibility for ambiguity.

Every hotel check-in procedure has been infused with a "welcome Mr Fuckwit" and a "here is your key Mr Fuckwit".

My name is clearly written the bottom of hundreds of emails to my Indonesian clients and colleagues ... surname first. Every immigration form, every visa application, every customs declaration form.

I recalled in shock how my complaints at the Shangri-La Indonesia (in writing and in person) must have been actually received (behind my back). The Duty Manager. The Receptionists. The email recipients.

The call centre ...

"Yes Mr Fuckwit. Do you mind waiting a moment on hold Mr Fuckwit? I will find Ariyanti for you"

[I am put on hold while they continue]

"Oi! Ariyanti! Mr Fuckwit wants to talk to you again! He's still not happy!" ...

A: "OK then put him through" ...

[hold music stops]

"Hello Mr Fuckwit this is Ariyanti."

Anthony Fuckwit. Or Mr Fuckwit to you. Has quite a ring to it.

That's not all. It gets worse. Because strictly speaking, Bahasa grammar allows my full name to translate into a full sentence, ie "Anthony is a fuckwit".

I have been shaking hands with people for weeks now. Asking for their names. Offering mine in a return.

Every meeting and introduction beings with the business card ritual of swapping business cards with each attendee, trying to commit their name and job title to memory, taking your seat ... then laying the cards beside your notebook for the duration of the meeting.

It's much like dogs smelling each other's arses.

Unfortunately, my arse has fuckwit written all over it.

[Ben no smutty comments on this point please].

On first meeting, I emphasise my surname through a smile so it is remembered. That's what I used to do, anyway.

"Nice to meet you. Anthony is a fuckwit" [smile professionally].

To a local, I must sound like some type of ... umm ... fuckwit.

Their return smile is usually quite warm and welcoming. At least, that's what I used to think. It's probably a stifled smirk.

Here's my plan: I am going to learn how to pronounce my surname with the precise intonation of a Jakarta local. My pronunciation will be crisp, unambiguous and perfect. My surname will be clearly articulated in all future social and professional introductions. I will then sit back and carefully watch the edges of their mouths as they stifle a smirk.

If they want a fuckwit they've come to the right place.