Aerobics, Oz Style

I've been watching Oz for a few weeks now and I'm up to season 3.

It's set in the Oswald State Penitentiary and it's a lovely show.

Firstly, there is an Aryan group, They hate dark skin. And Jews. And they hate dark-skinned Jews the most. (I mean ... who doesn't?)

The other whiteys still constantly use the word Nigger. As for the Niggers ... well ... they hate the Micks. The Micks hate the Spics. The Spics hate the Fags. The Fags hate the Muslims (and vice versa). The Muslims hate the Garlic Munchers and also the Aryans but seem surprisingly OK with the Jews. Except for the one they tortured for laughs.

There's a Hispanic—sorry, an Hispanic—sorry, a Spic—who poked out someone's eyes with a knife. Trannies sew pretty dresses in between poisoning people for money. Those with swastikas tattooed on their biceps typically require their bitches to get one tattooed (lovingly, if somewhat forcefully) onto an arse cheek.

In the gym, the occasional barbells winds up crushing someone's face. Or leg. The avuncular long-termer knows how to hit a neck artery with a screwdriver on his first attempt. Some people pour acid in other people's faces. ("Didn't your mother ever tell you not to—oh never mind.")

Sometimes they push each other down the stairs. Or hold a victim down while others defacate on his face. There is often a knife in the kidney in the lunch room. I'm not talking about dividing up a steak and kidney pie. Although you do hear them say "you cut, I'll pick".

Oral rape victims seek revenge by biting off the end of the perpetrator's penis. One guy was fed crushed glass in his meals until his digestive tract bled him to death. One guy was cruxified by being nailed to the wooden basketball court floor. One time they killed a Russian and carved J E W into his stomach before stringing him up from a hook in the ceiling.

I've decided to look beyond all this. Because these prisoners are in very, very good nick.

There was a stabbing in the kitchen?I was too busy scanning the background scenes for diet tips and examples of portion control. (That can't be mashed potato.)

A skull being smashed open by the end of a barbell in the gym? I'm scanning the periphery for examples of effective exercise routines. (It's chin-ups.)

A prolonged riot in the library ? I'm wondering how many calories that would burn. (More than a treadmill.)

Oz is my new motivation to eat well and exercise. These unrepentant impenitent pond scumbags are my new role models.

I figure if a prisoner on death row can look so good, then why can't I?

The prisoners of Oz are going to make me a better person.

Hopefully not out of leftovers.