iSnack 2.0

Every now and then something happens which is so impossibly stupid that I feel a bit giddy.

When I heard about the iSnack 2.0 I felt drunk and glee. Or drunken glee. I'm not sure what it was, but it was good.

What's not to love about the name iSnack 2.0?

Nothing.

There is nothing not to love about the name iSnack 2.0.

Firstly, it reeks of desperation. A desperate attempt by Marketing Professionals: take a couple of buzzwords, scrape the sparkle off of them and rub it into their new product.

An ironic attempt to be fresh, and contemporary. Ends up sounding awkward, and dated.

Kraft didn't realise that it was the Apple products themselves that made the "i" cool, not the other way around.

Poor little iSnack 2.0.

So unfair to take this Nutella-looking savoury spread and compare it with the industrial design and sex appeal of an iPhone.

You've gotta feel sorry for Kraft's Australasian Strategic Marketing department.

Imagine the brand building workshops they must have gone through. 4 weeks of intense, facilitated workshops to pick the winning name. Ensure the final choice was aligned to the brand architecture, the brand essence. The brand personality. The brand chemistry.

All this for a savoury spread that looks like the contents of a nappy.

These workshops would have started early. The office junior would have come in early to set up the room. Mini muffins and pots of coffee provided for breakfast. Her hair would still be wet because she didn't leave enough time before he train left.

The workshops would have required a working lunch. Because hey - we've got such a tight schedule and we have a lot to get through, guys. Sushi were brought in. Groovy sushi, with ponzu instead of wasabi, made by thatreallygreatplaceuptheroad.

The the ritual evening ordering of Pizza. "It's going to be yet a long night again guys", which would cause a ripple of smug chuckles around the boardroom table. This pizza came from thatotherreallygreatplaceuptheroad. Ithas cherry tomatoes and fresh basil leaves; Parma ham and black olives with the pits still in them.

The facilitator is standing in front of the whiteboard, obscuring a blue and red mindmap still there from yesterday afternoon. She goes to write something on the flipchart with the green marker, only to find that it's dry. She places it back in the tray rather than the bin ... just like the last person before her.

One of the older guys in the room said he only vaguely recognised the term "2.0" but didn't know what it meant. He was senior enough to be brave enough to admit that he didn't understand something.

The young guy in the fauxhawk rolled his eyes as he explained to everyone in the room what 2.0 means: this surefire marketing buzzword that couldn't fail. He explained it in such detail that people were left wondering whether he knew what he was talking about. No one dared ask questions for fear he would keep going.

There were some in the room who said to themselves "I initially thought this sounded dumb but it must be me who's dumb because everyone else here fucking loves it."

Others in the room must have been thinking "this sounds really stupid but I'm too junior to say anything. I hope I've got a new job before it comes out.".

The overpaid marketing consultant who advised that Kraft must not to run consumer focus groups in case of a leak. We know how to ensure we are aligned to what our consumers want, she told them.

Kraft's senior marketing executive who - 2 months earlier - sat in this same boardroom thinking to himself "iSnack 2.0? I don't get it. Everyone else seems to get it. What's wrong with me? Is that why they picked on me at school? OK you'd better say something soon so people remember you're in charge." He's the one who is now announced yesterday that:

"The winning entry was chosen for its personal call to action and clear identification of a new and different Vegemite".

I was talking to J today about what must be now happening at Kraft's offices.

Multiple conference calls with Global Marketing: loud American accents screaming down the phone. Muffled stammers and awkward silences coming back from Melbourne.

Global immediately despatch the big guns. The American Marketing Executive arrives in a Purple power suit. It looks like Armani but is really a copy she had made in Thailand during a recent business trip. You can tell by the distinctive sheen of the fabric she selected from the bolt ("Silky"). She has never worn it in New York but thinks Australians won't be able to tell the difference. She has a long blonde bob, pulled back by an age-inappropriate Alice band. Her flight arrives at 6.20am, on time (it wouldn't dare not), and she heads straight to the office for a series of emergency meetings. The first person she sees when she arrives is a girl with wet hair.

The Sydney branch of the international PR agency; appointed from New York to mop up this mess. They are at Purple's first meeting. Their team of senior sycophants suck up to her, nodding while she instructs them on obvious first steps that they have already completed. They are all "great" and "excellent feedback" and "he he ... you've obviously done this before" while secretly thinking she is an idiot. In the taxi back to their office, they make jokes about her Alice band.

The CEO of Kraft Australia who signed-off on the winning name. He is not turning up to these conference calls with Global. This helps him distance himself from the problem. Teflon. He is currently deciding which of his employees will be the Spokesperson, forced into being humiliated in front of TV cameras. He is deciding which executive will be forced into breaking the news to Spokesperson. High grade Teflon.

Poor little iSnack 2.0.

I love everything about this name. So much so that it has inspired me to start another blog in its honour.

I can't keep up with this blog so what do I do? Launch a spin off, of course. My own Knots Landing.