The Whole Set Of Permanent

Today I registered for our company health and life insurance program.

Even though the marketing material is in Vietnamese, it is littered with photos of goofy- joyous potatoes.

Case in point:

This is a very cheery family portrait. So I figured it must have something to do with dental benefits. Or pregnancy. But I still wanted to know more. Exactly why were these potatoes were so happy? So I asked Google Translate to help me and the results were somewhat unexpected.

"Tử vong" MEANS Death

"Thương tật toàn bộ vĩnh viễn" AKA"Injury the whole set of permanent"

What is Injury the whole set of permanent? Google Translate couldn't offer alternatives so I asked one of the secretaries.

"The Whole Set of Permanent" took some explaining. It demanded quite an insensitive reenactment of a severely disabled person. Think zombies; lots of grunts; more than a little gurning.

THEREFORE "Injury the whole set of permanent" MEANS Complete and permanent incapacitation, often mental disability.

So this is the part of the discussion where we talk about worst case scenarios.

$5,000/ người MEANS I will get $5,000 if I die or if I become a zombie.

This is the type decision that can only be made lightly. It's not every day that you get to put a price on your life. I headed straight to the dotted line and signed.

So now my life is insured for $5,000.

Then I realised why that goofy potato family in the picture are so happy. There were probably 3 ugly children in that photo the week before. Now there are 2 ugly children and a $5,000 windfall. Hence the smiling. Greedy potatoes.

"Horray! You're sick."

"Ha ha! Our kids are well but yours are sick!"

Perhaps these images capture the mood after all. Vietnamese people love being sick. I called my Travel Agent today and said "Hi Hana - how are you?" to which she replied "Not good. Tired. And a little Sick." I could hear through the phone that she was gently smiling as she told me.

By this stage I had given up on Google Translate and asked someone to walk through the rest with me.

Turns out I can also claim up to $400 per year on dental. $400! That should net me 2 cleans and a filling. The thought of what I could get for $400 turns me off sugar.

And if I am admitted to hospital I will be paid a stipend of $5/day. I wouldn't know what to buy. (I really wouldn't know what to buy.)

So much pain. So little gain. Who would be bothered with suicide nowadays? Especially with the US dollar being so weak. You can forget about wearing couture in your open coffin. These numbers say "get a tracksuit, deady".

The reason for including this next image was becoming clearer and clearer:

"Don't think you will avoid using this if you get sick - we're not a charity."

There is also up to $500 per year in medical. Hence this doctor, below.

"Heart surgery is expensive. Luckily, our surgeons are not fully trained, so they are quite cheap. "

This is a cheerily ill man:

"I'm off to present my Insurance Card and Id Card at the Hospital"

That's really what it says. He doesn't seem too sick to me.

"I'm going to collect all necessary documentation."

That's really what it says. I'd seen enough. If he was charging around with his briefcase like that, I would be asking him for a lot of evidence, too.

I started to speculate: what if Marsh Insurance is using these happy potatoes to incite racism? What if it is implying that the potatoes are still mocking dead or sick Vietnamese people, a generation after the Saigon had fallen? I wouldn't be surprised.

I can imagine the Marsh Insurance marketing workshop in Ho Chi Minh City ... "Let's shove some healthy smiling potatoes alongside tales of medical woe. Show how the potatoes don't care ... that they even think it's funny when we get sick."

By the time got to the part about claiming, I was certain this was the case.

"We're going to get 2 gay guys to laugh at your claim before we reject it."

"It wasn't us that rejected your claim, it was the fucking potatoes."

It's great to know that someone's got my back. I hope they don't have a knife. Insurance is so reassuring.