Trouble in Hell's Paradise

Hell's Potatoes is now an established VBG*. Unfortunately, its founding members are off to a rocky start.

R joined Hell's Potatoes with about 23 minutes more motorbike experience than me. But oh what an eventful 23 minutes it must have been, because R has all manner of experience and advice to share with me on any given motorbike topic at any given motorbike time. Don't lock the spokes, mind the muffler, don't worry about wearing thongs, leave the helmet here like this, no-no-no-no-no that's not the way to do it, lean here, careful with shorts, it's free to park here, your blinker your blinker, park like this not that, what the fuck just happened at those lights.

These condescending tips are not just annoying. They are also threatening gang harmony. R seems a little unclear as to who is the Alpha potato in this crop and is skating on very thin ice. Unless his behaviour improves dramatically he will find his membership card revoked quicker than Meryl Streep can throw a child at an SS guard.

This is places me in peril. Here is a recent example.

Last Sunday R warned me that the muffler on my bike can "get very hot" and to "be really careful". 

Derr ... I told him. I'm not an idiot ... I told him. It's not like I've never been on a bike before ... I told him.

What he didn't tell me, is to be very careful of this muffler when I park my bike outside a restaurant, especially when I don't do it properly due to my throttle hand getting twitchy and lurching the bike violently between R's bike and another. Nor did he tell me that his bike muffler also gets hot. Nor did he mention that if I tried to wriggle my body (and dignity) quickly out of this highly visible spot while wearing shorts and thongs, I may bump my left leg against my muffler and it would hurt. Or that as a reaction to this initial pain I might tip back over my seat and fall against R's muffler with my right calf. Or that now, with pain on both legs, I would stumble backwards through our two bikes and land on my arse in the dirt in front of the al fresco diners at - where else - Al Fresco's.

I went to the chemist to get something for my burn. I showed her the leg and reenacted the injury using a nearby bike. She shoved a tube of something in front of me (which I bought) and apologised for having no bandaids, bandages, gauze or related material. That is, if a non-chalant shoulder shrug with a blank face counts as an apology.

Moving on though ... Hell's Potatoes is starting to build it's own language. We are starting to speak in our own code, much like rappers and management consultants. I expect this means we'll be selling drugs soon. 

Here are some common terms.

Potato Salad

Any large gathering of potatoes, particularly when semi clad and in situations requiring immobility and lounging . For example, all around the swimming pool (and adjacent bar area) at the Sofitel Metropole last Sunday they were serving up a LOT of potato salad.

Mashed potato

A motorbike accident involving at least one potato. Often includes a muffler burn.

Baked potato

After a long day on the road, ie last Sunday, you lift up your t-shirt sleeve to find a sharp red line of sunburn.

Potato wedge

A manouever commonly seen when taking off from the traffic lights. It requires at least 2 stupid, fat potatoes  sitting beside each other on separate bikes at the front of the traffic lights. Both potatoes accelerate too quickly on green and get a bit confused about where each other is going. This results in both potatoes weaving back and forth in front of the traffic in a confused manner. In all the confusion the other traffic grinds to a halt, expecting at any time for a crash to open up the road. As a result, by the time the potatoes clumsily recover their trajectory, they have ruined the entire traffic flow of the street.

Potato famine

A potato orders a meal at a local restaurant. On arrival he realises it is completely inedible.

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* Vietnamese Bikie Gang