I bought some tea last night at the supermarket. It's called Dieu Tien Dieting Tea.
When I got home I looked up Dieu Tien and it means "effective fairy". So I knew I was onto something.
Luckily, the effective fairies who make up the Dieu Tien empire have had the foresight to provide translated instructions with their tea. So I brewed a cup of tea and settled down to read them.
Firstly, the side of the box lists the following "Benefiicial effect"
- "Fat reducing effect for merely obese people"
Merely obese. The target segment is those people who are just plain fat. Not fat and interesting. Not fat and intelligent. Just fucking fat.
Tick.
- "Effect in People in tendency to become fatter"
Tick.
There is a brochure inside the box with more information and recommendations, starting with this:
- "After more than 1 month of drinking Dieu Tien Dieting Tea, your appetite will be increased. You should keep an appropriate food regime for ensuring a well proportioned body."
I start to fear that these effective fairies don't define the word "diet" the same way that I do. A desire to eat more is not really the outcome I anticipated. Then this:
- "While taking Dieu Tien Dieting Tea, beer drinking should be restricted, and user must not abstain from any kind of food."
Having recently switched to wine, I find this instruction very suitable indeed. Moreover, after having now tasted this bitter brew it's reassuring to know I can add sugar or honey. But that's not all:
- "Women should take Dieu Tien Jasmine Tea for keeping their good looks."
That's one hell of a cross-sell message. Is there anything these effective fairies can't do?
Apparently not, according to Section 4:
"4. Expansion of using scope
"Dieu Tien Dieting Tea is also very useful for the following people:
"+ People with weak liver, especially patients of hepatitis B
"+ People with high blood pressure
"+ People with lipidemia
"+ People with hemotothermal status
"+ Constipation"
This tea can do anything. It seems too good to be true ... and I'm starting to sip faster and faster until the final section makes my heart sink and my cherubic optimism starts to dwindle.
"Supportive Exercices". There's the rub. Those sneaky fairies are about to slap me with so much exercise that any accusation about the tea's abilities will be defended by them pointing at a fly-blown treadmill.
I spoke too soon. Yes there was a rub, but not as you know it.
"Every day when you get up in the morning and whenever it is possible, you should masssage your belly to facilitate the transformation of fat, thus raising the effectiveness of Dieu Tien Dieting Tea."
Now that is what I call a "Supportive" exercise. And you only do it whenever it is possible? What a fantastic bunch of fairies. I'm starting to realise that I didn't pick this tea after all. This tea picked me.
At this point I am sipping away at my tea like a serial killer. The ones that wear knitted vests and spend their weekends sitting in the kitchen of their inherited two-storey house while sipping tea and looking out the window ... but of course not really noticing anything in their back yard ... because their mind is wandering into images that do NOT resemble an overgrown garden at all ... except perhaps for the final burial scene when they are digging a shallow grave in the thicket. So that's me ... sipping away distractedly ... albeit a little more legal but equally distracted ... as I imagine myself getting thinner and thinner with no effort ... while my final scene contains a victory weigh-in on the Biggest Loser and no shovels or corpses ... but I still nearly forget to read the final sentence:
"DIEU TIEN DIETING TEA IS NOT USED AS A SUBSTITUTE MEDICINE FOR CURING ANY DISEASE"
I'm afraid that on this point, dear fairies, I beg to differ.
