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29 November 2010

Au Revoir DK

I bought my Blackberry at the end of May. In mid June I asked Maria to connect it to my work email.

This process requires Maria to navigate some red tape.. I'm not saying it's difficult ... but it requires a few extra steps.

And Maria hates steps.

So here we are at the end of November and it is still still not done. A few weeks ago, I put some heat on Maria to close it out. By "heat", I mean emails littered with "pleases" and "thank yous" because it's Maria we're talking about.

As a result of this heat, The Blackberry has usurped The Expenses as Maria's number 1 subject of choice to interrupt me with ... the interruptions she barks out through lift doors and in passing, to stop me asking what she's doing away from her desk.

"Hi Maria how are you?"

-- "Good Mr Anthony. How are you?"

"I'm well. Actually this morning I sent you a note--"

-- "Your Blackberry!! Mr Anthony!! Your Blackberry!!"

And so on and so forth. We all know how it goes by now.

Over the months I have become so tired with the Blackberry topic that I can only chase her up on it intermittently. I've now run out of Valium so can only follow up on these matters after a good night's sleep. And after all, expenses had been dominating our relationship until recently.

This morning was one such occasion. I dug up an old email from Maria from a few weeks ago and tried to follow the instructions she had sent me.

I clicked on the link she sent me. Again.

It still didn't work so I promptly called Maria. I explained to her that my link didn't work. Again.

She chirpily replied that she would be done to see it. I tried to stop her - to tell her that it was the same blank screen she saw last time - but she had already hung up. Maria likes to see things in person: it's a trip away from her desk.

17 minutes later she arrived at my desk stinking of 2 cigarettes, smoked in quick succession. She hovered over me as I clicked on the link. My eyes watered and a blank screen appeared.

"That doesn't work Mr Anthony." Her diagnosis was instant and confident.

-- "You don't say." I mumbled to myself inaudibly ... the whispered retort of the weak.

Maria feigned shock at this outcome, said she would get right onto it and wandered away to the lift. Even though the lift is less than 15 metres from me, I noticed her stop for a chat a couple of times and wondered how many facebook friends she has.

2 hours later I contacted her for a progress report. Her response was self-explanatory:

"On Nov 10, Ipshita of India said they were going to investigate your case but nothing happened after that."

It seems that Ipshita has fucked up my Blackberry. It's not every day that you get to say that: Ipshita must have heard that Dirty Keith had returned to Singapore, spotted an opening and jumped into it.

I am now faced with 2 options - do I ask Maria to continue with her investigations, or contact this young Ipshita upstart myself?

The question seems to answer itself.

23 November 2010

They Call Me 'Stacey'. They Call Me 'Her'. They Call Me 'Jane'.


You may remember Dirty Keith from Singapore Non Sequitur Number 4?

Well Dirty Keith is back.

For the past month I've been working with DK on a client proposal and yesterday he had to do a demo.

Apart from being the target of my childish smut, Keith is also is an expert in databases. Something like that.

There he was yesterday showing people all sorts of things, various bits of data moving around Indonesia. Something like that.

Part of the presentation included showing a typical customer scenario. In this part of the world, Joe Bloggs doesn't work as a sample customer name. Keith used Ronald Chan. I assume he is the Joe Bloggs of Singapore, where Ronald Chans are as common as skinny arms and rudeness.

Keith is a diminutive Chinese Singaporean who uses his bad haircut to camouflage a sharp brain. He parts his hair on the side, pulls his light grey pleated trousers up a little too high and swings his skinny arms out from an ugly golf shirt. The shirt itself is from a 2008 database conference in Bangkok: sponsor logos are sewn onto each sleeve.

Keith's age hints at Generation Y but his styling screams 1940's Chinese nerd convention. He doesn't wear glasses but if you had to draw him from memory you could be forgiven for including them. His presentation style is friendly and animated - compensation for the dreary content:

"It is proven to scale almost linearly. Therefore Job estimation of end time can be extrapolated based on previous run time and volume."

Srsly. You can't make this stuff up.

"The challenge with semi on-line storage is decision how the data can be aggregated for longer retention periods."

Keith flicked around more grey screens. He was big smiles and flailing arms - but it wasn't enough to compensate for this boring shit.

"I will now demonstrate the job monitoring features: please refer to the process' CPU consumption" here.

After a while my mind started wandering. That while was 53 seconds.

I noticed that Keith's trousers were the same colour as the OK buttons on his demo screens. I pondered whether it was intentional.

"Data lineage is demonstrated in how the changing formula will show analysis of the impacted report"

My eyelids were heavy and his golf shirt was blurring into the projector screen.

"De-duplication is challenging. Common names can appear many times in the database but you don't know if it's the same Ronald Chan."

I was starting to fall asleep.

Then it happened.

"I don't know if and of you remember my name?"

My eyelids sprung into life. I became alert but contained. Anticipating a kill like a cat spotting a cockroach in the corner.

"I'm Kum Yeung Kok."

And scene.

I'd never heard Kum Yeung pronounce his full name before. People usually call him "Koom" or "Koom Yoong" to avoid going all Benny Hill on his ass.

Kum Yeung, on the other hand, has no such hang-ups. His pronunciation was perfect. Every. Word. Of. His. Name. Was. Enunciated. Precisely as it is sniggered.

"There are not many Cum Young Cocks in the world", he declared again quite loudly. Indeed.

This got me wondering how I could transition my pronunciation of Koom Yoong closer to his own, more accurate yet Benny Hill version? The disobedient side of my brain was grappling with being able to use a socially acceptable norm, and was intimidated.

"Because Cum Young is quite rare," he continued. Deary me.

This was all so inappropriate. So Dirty Keith.

I wondered whether Keith was having the last laugh, with his skilled poker face.

Surely someone else must find this amusing? The eyes of my own poker face swept the room, looking for signs of recognition or wry. I maintained the stiff composure of a toddler who has stolen a shoe.

But there was only one person sniggering and it was me. I imagined him doing this in Australia and chuckled along with my imaginary friends.

"So you can find my name here very well. See? I'm not like Ronald."

No you're certainly not. You dirty bastard.

17 November 2010

Hogswallop

This article discusses about Prince William's engagement to Kateshername.

My favourite quote is this:

The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, was informed of the engagement during a cabinet meeting and said the news was met with a "great cheer" and with "a great banging of tables".

Sometimes you wonder what the fuck is going on with Britain. Just when you think it's in the 21st Century, you hear of them carrying on like Hogwarts.

Cameron - 5 points!

05 November 2010

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 16: Starbucks

Here are 2 pictures I took this morning in Starbucks Setiabudi, across from my apartment.

Both of them decry this country's reputation as a conservative, Muslim dominated state.

Let's start with Christmas.


That's right. This morning they launched Christmas today in Starbucks, 7 weeks and 1 day before December 25. Hats on to them for getting in there first.

Alongside this they've repackaged some regular offerings into Xmas specials, mostly by squirting a shot of raspberry into your beverage.

There's nearly always something free at Starbucks for the oddest things - like a Friday donut. Or a free muffiin if you use your (labour intensive) BCA credit card to make a purchase between the 3rd and 16th of the month, or a creme brulee with every purchase of a syrupy Xmas beverages. Or not saying thank you.

Let's finish with golf.

Golfers obviously don't just come out. They really come out.

This issue of whatIthinkisagolfingmagazine was taking pride of place on the Table For Reading Material (as it's called).


I understand that the above implicates me as a regular Starbucks customer ... and I hang my head in shame. And reach for my coffee. And sip from my Venti Quad Non Fat Latte. And take a bite of my complementary donut. Which I now spell in the American way. As I also do with "organization". Just to fit in.

03 November 2010

Baby

This morning I received the following email:

Hello Dearest,

I came across your contact at www.englishbaby.com and I decided to contact you.

Really I am here to look for that lovely, great and ideal man to love. Honey remember that distance, age and race are not barriers to a true love. However, I am a single and lovely young lady who wants to be dated with love and passion. And I will appreciate if you can reply me. I am 24 years of age, 5.37 in
height, 64 kg, and never married. I will appreciate if you can reply my mail.

To enable me send you my pictures and more information about myself.
And while waiting for your lovely and positive reply,
I remain your lovely

Benita

Something tells me this could be the same Benita from yesterday. It also seems like I've been listed on a site called "englishbaby" ... which will certainly increase my odds of finding an Indonesian bride.

I suspect this is not the last we will hear from Benita. Or brides.

Send your emails and take a number, ladies.

02 November 2010

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Benita?

I received a note this morning from the lovely Benita, a lady with whom I am yet to have had the pleasure of making myself acquainted.

Benita's email arrived as a long stream of text. I have broken it up, below, into palatable bites which represent my unfolding reactions while reading it.

"Hello Dearest,

This is a strong, superlative start.

"I came across your contact at www. jakchat.com

At first I was a bit confused. Then I remembered. A few months ago I joined a web forum called "jakchat", which is a forum for English speakers to get news and information about Jakarta. It's a poorly organised site but after an hour I found an Indonesian teacher there and I haven't been back.

It's better than the (more visual, less informative) activities that could have been associated with that web address.

and I decided to contact you. Really I am here to look for that lovely, great and ideal man to love.

... so which one is it? Make up your mind, bitch.

"Honey remember that distance, age and race are not barriers to a true love.

Firstly, in my experience if you call a stranger 'Honey' it means you are waitressing in a midwest diner.

I imagined Benita pulling a pencil out from behind her ear as she greeted me, while flicking her thumb across her tongue then across the small notepad then writing "huevos rancheros and coffee - hold the grits".

On the other hand, Benita seems to be an equal opportunity girlfriend who welcomes all takers. That barries statement sure had a way of ruling out any "ruling out" on her part, as it were.

"However, I am a single and lovely baby young lady who wants to be dated

By this stage I was thinking of calling her so many things.But "lovely baby young lady" was not one of them.

Where did the fuck did the baby part come from? (No not the corner, Cheesel.)

That said, Benita's use of "dated" seemed more accurate ... as in "Benita I'll date you with this fucking email if you're not careful".

I imagined a somewhat surprised look on Benita's face. It was an obedient version of surprise and it gave me the creeps. I think it was subservience.

with love and passion.

Oh for fucksake, Benita ... you want both?

Benita seemed awfully confused about the immutable laws of life ... Passion is supposed to replace love, not co-exist.

I imagined a flowchart with "Benita" written above it. Illogical arrows were cross-crossing each other, like a modern-day Esher.

"And I will appreciate if you can reply me. I am 24 years of age, 5.37 in height, 64 kg, and never married.

In Indonesia, "never married" normally implies fresh and innocent, of which I suspected Benita of neither.

"I will appreciate if you can reply my mail.

How could I not?

And yet. Not.

To enable me send you my pictures and more information about myself.

It's interesting that she doesn't ask for pictures or information in return. I imagined the calbire of eligible bachelors (and husbands) that typically respond to such an introductory emails, and figures that photos can wait.

And while waiting for your lovely and positive reply,

I imagined Benita dressed in a pretty party frock (green) and a wide-brimmed straw hat. She's staring at the clock, waiting for my positive reply. It's the desert. The clock is sitting on a rock. Benita's smile is slowly fading. Tick tock. Tick. Tock. There is a pencil tucked neatly behind her ear.

"I remain your lovely

My lovely?

My lovely?

My lovely?

It didn't feel right. I haven't earned Benita's enduring devotion and monogamy. At least not yet. This tasted a bit one-sided. Like sugar.

Or honey.

"Benita"

By now I was sure her name was not Benita. Call me a cynic.