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28 February 2011

Swing Low


It is fairly common for Indonesians to swing from broad exaggeration to inexplicable understatement. It's hard to predict which method is going to be employed; or why.

Examples below.

During a job interview last Wednesday.

Me: "Why did you leave your last job?"

Him: "I felt I was not treated fairly."

Me: "In what way?"

Him: "Well ... in terms of workload and also in some cases I was bullied by the management to work harder or to deliver bad news to the client. I mean ... I told them ... I am Indonesian. I can't say these things."

Me: "So what did you do?"

Him: "I had a choice to continue or to quit. And to continue I means I would probably die."

I quickly wrote this down, knowing I would question my memory of it, before pressing on:

Me: [straight faced] "You would die? What do you mean you by that?"

Him: "Well because I was not sleeping and losing weight and people were saying 'Christian you don't look good" and 'Christian if you continue like this you will die' so I realise I cannot continue living so I quite. [sic]"

A job interview is not usually the place to contemplate your demise and I had to admire Christian for breaking ranks. Admire. Not hire.


On a conference call this morning:

A: "Hari won't be in today because his mother died."

B: "Oh. That explains the email I got this morning."

A: "What was that?"

B: "He said he couldn't meet the client today because he was sad."


In a phone conversation this morning with my CEO:

"You know Andi his kid is in hospital so he can't meet us today which guess that's a good thing because we are not ready for this meeting with him anyway."

I didn't feel too bad for Andi. There is no sick child. No hospital. He may not even own a child. "Hospitalised child" is just code for needing a couple of days off. He's probably got some visitors from out of town.

16 February 2011

Más Fotos

I found these pictures loitering around my blackberry.

1. Hati Hati
Setiabudi Mall

Indonesia produces a shitload of cigarettes and a shitload of people to smoke them. The government helps pave the way for its citizens by removing all barriers to churning through all this tobacco.

Indonesian cigarettes carry small warnings on their packets but they are not scary. They are simple messages like "smoking sux", "not good" and the like.

Australia's smoking laws obviously forced many people to head upstairs to Indonesia.

This smokers' paradise called Jakarta ensures that most Indonesians and expats can smoke. Continuously.

Sometimes it feels like everyone decided to stop watching tv in the 50's, when everything was healthy.


Jakarta restaurants have also started offering non-smoking tables, sometimes with ashtrays. I have never seenanyone here request a non smoking table. I have never seen anyone annoyed by smoking. You cannot live in this country if you get annoyed by smoking. It would be like an anti-semite moving to Jerusalem. (Palestinian, anyone?)

I was intrigued to see this long warning under the LA Lights sign at my local supermarket.


It's un-Indonesian to discourage smoking. But it's very Indonesian to be long-winded in attempting to disagree with something. Sometimes at work I stand there staring for ages trying to figure out people's answers to my simple questions ... long stories that ramble on continuously about nothing ... going nowhere ... "So you mean no then?" I interrupt, which often triggers another pointless story.

Once I was in a meeting with my CEO and we were discussing a project issue. I asked him if we should go and meet the client later that week and he started his answer thus:

"Anthony you've been in Indonesia for some time now so you'll understand what this means ..."

He then started banging on about how they were considering outsourcing our printing a few years back but he eventually rejected the idea and now the printing stays in house. I had no idea what he was talking about and after 10 minutes I had to make a guess that the answer was "yes". I made a mental note to warn people not to mention the printers.

I translated this photo when I got home. This is what the sign says.

SMOKING CAN CAUSE CANCER, HEART ATTACKS, IMPOTENCE AND TROUBLED PREGNANCY AND FETUS.

It's pretty straightforward but I'm struggling to see how smoking could cause impotence and a fetus. But like I said - they don't like to exclude anyone - so what the hey.


2. Blind Dates
Plaza Indonesia


I just don't think the client would have approved this slogan in Australia.


3. Internal communication
17th Floor

I mentioned above about how Indonesians can be a little long-winded. This sign was on the door of a locked meeting room last week.


It took me a while but I finally worked out what they meant. They are moving some people to a new floor and this meeting room is storing surplus furniture for a few days. That's it.

As an aside, I like the Braille numbers on the door. They are very inclusive ... even though we have no blind people in the office ... and even though we use the room names (not numbers) when we make bookings.

But if we did have blind people, and if we start using numbers, and if these blind people could get themselves to the correct door on the right floor and fondle the sign in the right place ... it will tell them the room number.

If I was blind I'd probably try to memorise the room names when I stepped them out the first time. Or ask my dog to. Or maybe if I was stuck I would ask someone for help, just like the sighted people do. It would be easier than patting my way around the filing cabinets and up the corridor, hoping to come across some lumps.


4. Toilet

I mentioned earlier that Indonesians love using the word toilet. This was the first sing put up on the new floor.

All the toilets in the building are in the same place, but I guess someone wanted to make it clear.


When you get to the toilets there is no sign (yet) to say which is male or female. Not even in Braille.


5. Supervision
Setiabudi Residence

In Indonesia every transaction is closely supervised. Unless there is someone standing there watching a transaction take place, I would argue that it could not be done.

I bought some wine glasses 2 weeks ago and 9 people were behind the counter. There were 3 people specifically allocated to watching the credit card machine being used.

When I went to pay my electricity bill on Saturday, there was only one person serving me. She went over to another desk to process my credit card, the cleaner must have realised she was alone. He stopped what he was doing and went over to ensure everything went smoothly.


I thanked them both as I left. He seemed to take most of the credit.


6. No, Honey
Gedung Wisma 45


I hate it when they just give away honey toast like it's anybody's business. It's reassuring to see that some restaurants are fighting back.

11 February 2011

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 20: Sincerely

One of my colleagues recently started a new role and started signing off his emails with: "Thank you and sorry if I say something wrong," An interesting way to deal with his learning curve.

It's quite sweet really. A mixture of humble and gentle ... and ... well ... cute.

Whenever I notice him walking past my desk I mumble "So you fucking should be".

Quietly to myself of course. Like any self respecting coward.

02 February 2011

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 19: Dressed


Indonesians dress their salad head to toe, like their shopping malls and their women.

This is - hands down - the worst dressed country I have ever been to.

Apart from an odd restaurant near my apartment (which laminates its food), most mid-range restaurants in Jakarta (even nice ones) use photos of their food on the menu.

The photos are often quite good and the salads seem happy: crisp and colourful and fresh ... and ... well ... dry.

So I point at the photo as I order a salad. Howevr, when it arrives at my table there is a whole different product staring at me. It looks like the salad suddenly caught on fire in the kitchen and the chef panicked. This is not dressing. This is dousing.

I've investigated the salad dressing situation with a few well-travelled Indonesians and no one seems to notice. I think they are protective of their dressing.

"Don't you think that they put a lot of dressing on the salad here?" I ask.

They look at me blankly, which stupid me misinterprets as a request for clarification.

" ... you know ... like ... how in Indonesia ... they usually put more dressing on the salad than they do in other countries?"

By the time I get to "usually" I've either lost them or insulted them. It's hard to tell with Indonesians - especially Javanese - you've insulted them or pissed on their shoes.

In Indonesia you must always remember to order your salad with the dressing on the side.

I have learnt this lesson so at Pizza e Birra tonight I didn't forget to order it correctly.

This is what arrived.


That glister to the salad is not water and the concertina pattern on the top is clearly the work of dressing.

I called the waiter back and leant against the left edge of the passive-aggressive bell curve. "Dressing on the side?" I said to him gently while waving a finger around my salad.

He smiled nicely and pointed to a ramekin sitting north east of the plate. It was brimming with extra dresssing.

I couldn't deny that he was right. I'd ordered the salad. I'd asked for dressing on the side. Both had arrived as asked.

I smiled and thanked him, too stunned to ask what the fucking burrito was doing there on the top. I knew it wasn't backstroke.

This concoction was too oily to eat, even without dipping into the extra litre of dressing up there in the ramekin. The chef must have seen my order and thought "this guy must really like dressing - let's give him some extra on here as well"

This close-up isn't very good but you can still see the oil pooling around the edges of the tomato.


I think I have to blame the Chinese for this. Not for their culinary skills, but for their whispers. There are a lot of Chinese living in Jakartra and "dressing" is very close to "drenching" when whispering recipes around a circle. There's no other explanation.