Currency Fluctuations

This is an old joke that I hadn't thought about for years. However, since being in Vietnam I think of the punchline often ... and mumble it to myself as I walk away from a taxi/restaurant/supermarket/banana vendor. 

I use it to compensate for many of my underperforming social assets.

A Chinese man walks into the currency exchange in New York with 1000 yuan and walks out with $72. 

The following week he walks in with 1000 yuan and is handed $66. 

So he asks the lady why he is getting less money this week than last week.

"It's currency fluctuations.", she says.

"Sorry? What was that?", he asks.

Realising that his English is rough around the edges, she repeats slowly and more loudly, "Fluc-tu-ations.". 

At this point the man becomes incensed and responds, "Then fuck you Americans too!".

Oh … What Will Become of Me? (Part 1)

It was a Thursday afternoon about 3 weeks ago. I remember it well.

 I received a call from the manager of my apartment building

“Hello? Mr Anthony?”

--“Yes.”

[Giggle] “It’s Anh.”

--“Sorry? Who is it?”

“It’s Anh.” [slightly nervous giggle]

[Anh is more common than Sharon so this doesn’t narrow it down.]

--“Anh?”,

 “Yes Anh from Lakeside Apartments.”

--“Hi Anh. What's up?”

“I’m just ringing to tell you that your [giggle] passport is washed.”

-- Washed?

“Yes [giggle] the cleaners found your passport in the washing machine.”

[These were uncomfortable empathy giggles:  this was not schadenfreude.]

-- “Oh no. How does it look? Is it ok?”

[Giggles] “No. Not OK. It is not good. Very bad. Sorry. We will leave it out for you.”

-- “Oh. Umm ... OK. Thanks.”

I remember that the default washing machine settings are a hot wash for 110 minutes. 

When I arrived home this is what I found.

The page on the left says "Do not stamp this page" in French. I wonder how clean it feels now. 

My work visa for Vietnam.

My departure card for Vietnam.

The following day I went to the Australian embassy with my still-slightly-wet passport in hand and sheepishly slipped it under the security glass with my Drivers' Licence and Medicare Card.

I needed an Emergency passport reissue to go on a work trip the coming Wednesday. They told me it could be reissued that day and recommended a place nearby I could get photos taken. 

Although this outlet was just around the corner, the humidity ensured I was sweating heavily on arrival (no little comments please). I was taken up two flights of stairs, seated next to a bride who was getting her make-up retouched, photographed, then shuffled to wait in another room full of people on computers. As it turned out, they seemed to be using Photoshop to retouch all mannner of customer memories: romantic couples, wedding photos, ugly children in yellow organza dresses. I even saw someone turning an ordinary Hanoi restaurant into al fresco dining over Niagara Falls.

Eventually my name was called out by a nearby the computer operators. I walked over to him and saw that my image was on the screen and he just wanted my nod before he pressed Print. In that moment, through a series of hand signals and gestures I never knew I had in me, I asked him to smooth out my skin, remove a blemish on my neck, suck in my cheeks and change the colour of my tie.

I walked back into the embassy, up to the passport counter and sucked in my face to match the new photo that I was now slipping under the security glass.  This was the new me. Not the pathetic potato me that shuffled in an hour ago with a laundered passport and an ugly pink tie. This was the Oprah Makeover me. 

Still me, of course ... Just a slightly better me.

At about 16:30 that day (Friday) I came in to pick up my Emergency Passport. When they handed it back to me they told me it was only valid for 7 months, that I need to apply for a Vietnam visa replacement in order to get out of the country, that the renewal would take 3-5 working days for the Vietnamese to process this (more due to next week's 2 public holidays), and that I need to get a full passport in the next month because most countries in Asia require at least 6 months validity on your passport to let you in. This full passport should be obtained when I get back home, at which point I would need to apply for another Vietnamese Visa to get me back in. If I want to get it done here I need my original birth certificate and blah blah blah.

The Edwina Monologues (Part 2)

The other day I was sitting near Edwina as she was holding court from her workstation. She was sitting on the side of her desk and 3 others were sitting beside her on chairs. Given her audience was Vietnamese, the lecture involved much finger pointing and a level of condescension not seen since Mother Theresa crossed over. Out of the blue Edwina lost her balance, became dislodged from the desk and tumbled into her audience.

Timmmmmmmmmbeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr.

At that moment I recalled Edwina’s comments about how the local people are all clueless, like puppies …

Got me thinking about her puppy comments.

‘Stupid clumsy giraffe’, I hope they thought to themselves.