Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 6

Like most people, I work in an open plan office.

In such offices people use a meeting room to make conference calls so that the noise doesn't distract others.

Not in Indonesia. No sirree.

The noisiest country in the world has no such concerns about disruption. People here just crowd around a desk, pull chairs up and sit there speaking into a phone which talks back at them. A magical phone.

The cacophany of 3 or 4 conference calls happening around you can be quite distracting but I've learnt to block it out. I've even started making my own noisy calls on speaker at my desk: a habit that will ensure I can never work in an organised country again.

Today I witnessed a new variation of this practice in the desk beside me. 4 people were standing around a desk, on speaker phone. They were waiting on hold and the music was quite groovy - Indopop groovy, mind.

All of a sudden people started giggling and dancing around the phone, singing a long. Then someone at another desk about 10 metres away popped up from his desk divider and into view. He too started giggling and broke into an arm waving jig for about 5 seconds before sitting down and getting back to his work.

Faggots

This, from Urban dictionary

Word: Faggot

Definition: A bundle of sticks or wood.

Usage: "Faggots built my home."

Indian Non Sequitur Number 1

Some phrases often used by my Indian colleagues, which I like a lot.

Doing The Needful

Known to most of us as "Would you mind ...?".

It is commonly used in India and I like it a lot. Email I received today:

Hi Anthony,

Please do the needful, to comply with requirements set by Dee Kuan in the mail below.

Sometime

Known to most of us as "Fuck off - not yet".

The emphasis is on the word "some", not "time", which is why I spell it as one word.

"Sometime" is used to obtain additional time to complete any task. It overrules any previous commitments made.

Conversation from today (imagine a very strong, Apu-like accent):

Me: "It's really overdue. Are you working on it today?"

Sudhir: "Yes Anthony. We are working on it now."

Me: "When do you think it will be ready?"

Sudhir: "Oh ... I think it will take sometime".

Me: "So how long then?"

Sudhir: "Oh ... not long Anthony. Soon now. It just needs sometime."

Me: "Umm ... great. Thanks."

Sudhir: "You're welcome Anthony."

Or this, from the call centre queue at Idea Cellular, the second largest mobile phone company in India. Imagine a hyper-enthusiastic Indian woman:

"Thank you for calling Idea! All our operators are busy! Please hold the line! We will be with you in sometime!"

The missing article

For some reason, while Indians speak fantastic English (most people I work with are educated in English and speak it like a native) they always omit the "the" when referring to the USA or the office.

"That was when I was working in USA ..." or "Oh yes. That's quite common in USA"

"Are you in office now?" or "OK Anthony I will call you when I am back in office."

I have now incorporated these shortcuts into my own vernacular.

It's really quite a time saver. A linguistic dishwasher, as it were.

Turtles

What is it with turtles these days? No matter where you go, then always look grim.

This oily turtle was found in the Gulf of Mexico and seems very annoyed with BP.

Lazy and annoyed.

Singaporean Non Sequitur Number 3

This evening, ordering my room service. Imagine a strong Singaporean Chinese accent on the other end of the phone:

"And what would you like with your omelette sir? You can have 3 items."

-- "Ham, onion and green chilli please"

"That's a ham, onion and green chilli?"

-- "Yes please."

"OK. Oh. And the green chilli. You know it soaked with a nigger?"

I have a very bad habit of repeating whatever I hear. This was no exception.

-- "Umm ... [bold gulp] ... soaked with a nigger?

"Yes. With a nigger. Is that OK yeah?"

-- "Nigger? ... Oh! You mean soaked with vinegar?"

"Yeah yeah sir; with a nigger. "

-- "With a nigger is no problem. Thanks"

"Welcome. Good night sir."

Propheteering

Raj is not used to writing salesy proposals, but seemed keen to try so I thought I'd give him a go.

This evening I opened up his latest draft, to review it before being sent to the client. On the first page, Raj had written an Executive Summary which began with:

As rightly told by prophet Kahlil Gibran “A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle” .

Goodness.

I love the deliberate inclusion of "rightly".

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 6

Usually included on CV's in Indonesia:

- marital status

- how many children, their sexes and ages

- religion

- date and place of birth

Found today in a CV:

- married

- no kids yet ("none yet")

- Muslim

- Bogor, 24/04/1978

...

- kindergarten

Yes. His kindergarten!

How sweet.

Singaporean Non Sequitur Number 2

In a progress meeting today for my current project. There were 11 people in the room and it was my turn to talk. (It's usually my turn to talk when I'm standing up at the front of the room with a whiteboard marker in my hand):

Me: "This pricing shouldn't be taking so long to finalise. The issue here is that there are too many chiefs."

The cliché explains itself and the sentence doesn't need to be finished.

Then I noticed 10 faces politely staring back at me.

Then I realised.

Apart from me, everyone else in the room was Indian.

I started to worry that they would think I stopped the sentence out of some sort of last-minute racial awareness panic.

At that point one of the group (who I am good friends with) looked up and smiled as he said:

"What a relief, Anthony. Usually people say that there are too many Indians!"

And Suddenly That Name Will Never Be The Same Again

After weeks of waiting, I've finally been allocated a new secretary. Her name is Maria.

Our first interaction, via chat, was to book my flights:

Me: 2 things please:

1. Just call me Anthony in emails. Mr is too formal.

2. Arrange approvals for my travel. What time is the cut-off for booking?

Maria: Actually it is at 4.

Me: We don't have much time. Please call them directly. Don't rely on email.

Maria: and for #1, i'll call you Mr. anthony

Me: do they already have my credit card on file?

Maria: i have the number, expiry date and your name stated on the card

Me: OK but Mr is too formal. You can use Mas if you really need to.

Maria: nop

sorry, but I never like to used that words in the office

except for my friends

Me: OK. Up to you. Please call amex also to make sure the card is activated

I guess that was OK - a bit of cultural learning on my part. We established some boundaries. (Or more accurately, Maria established some boundaries and I had to tow the line.)

I didn't think much of it, though. Until our chat today:

Me: Hi Maria. I still have 4 expense items that need to be processed this week:

1. relocation from Vietnam

2. travel to Malaysia (KL) in May

3. travel to Malaysia (KL) in June

4. travel to SG last week

5. travel to SG this week.

Maria: thats more then 4

Me: OK 5 key items!

Note that the first 3 were already approved by Finance.

Maria: ok

Anthony: this is a lot of money, too ... so please make this a priority,.

Maria: ok. noted.

no worries.

btw, i would really appreciate if you using less exclamation in the conversation

Me: less exclamation?

Maria: yes (exclamation sign --> !)

Me: i used one.

i think that's acceptable.

Maria: i mean next conversation

if you remember, the first time you introduce yourself

you used around... well, more then 10 times.

ok then

I've been accused of many things, but nothing this heinous. I was stunned and my jaw dropped: slowly but literally dropped.

Further, I am not a heavy exclamation mark user by any means. I didn't even use them until I was about 30. (Remember the theory, Alexandra?). There may have been a couple of emails on a Stilnox but that doesn't count and Maria would never see these.

So I scoured all of my old emails and chat history to Maria, looking for signs of excitement or exuberance. I found nothing. Not a whit. The only instance of any exclamation mark was the one used today.

Indeed, my first written words to Maria were:

Maria - could you please book travel and coordinate my approvals? Please don't confirm flights until all approvals finalised. I will probably look at a 6.30pm flight on Monday morning

And yet here we are, Maria had already issued her new boss with his first written warning and I decided to fight it.

Me: you've got the wrong person. That wasn’t me.

.. to which she did not respond.

I think there are many layers to this Maria onion but I also need to defend my name against being unfairly branded as an Enthusiastic. Given the way things have started, Maria could turn out to be the most confronting creature I've ever encountered. (And that's coming from me - raised by a mother with Cheesel's hair and styling.)

Singaporean Non Sequitur Number 1

I have a colleague in Singapore whose middle name is "Wee Wee". Her surname is "Lee".

So it's Wee Wee Lee.

I wanted to know what the WW stood for, so looked her up on the intranet. I pissed myself when I first saw this. Perhaps "Wee Wee" does not describe her, but the effect she has on others?

[Tee Hee.]

Communication

This is the email I sent:

Please check each person's availbility before you confirm the meeting time. Call each of their secretaries on Friday morning.

This is the response I got:

Understand , in this case I can't do it cos don't know when is the available and on the otherhand the scheduled time is there .

So , unfortunately

Fyi , until today , hasn't get back to me .

You Tard

Utah executes Man By Firing Squad

Utah has carried out the wishes of convicted murderer Ronnie Lee Gardner and executed him by firing squad. Yesterday the U.S. Supreme Court refused a request to stay the execution.

Gardner, 49, is only the third person in 33 years to die by firing squad in the United States. He was killed at 12:20 a.m. MST (2:20 a.m. ET), a Corrections Department spokesman said. A hood was placed over Gardner's head and a paper target pinned to his chest. He was heavily restrained as a five-person firing squad took aim at the target and shot him, witnesses said. Journalists who witnessed the shooting said it happend quickly. One reporter said she noticed that Gardner moved after he was shot. "It was over pretty quickly," said Cheryl Worsley, a local radio reporter. "It was cleaner than I expected. It was fast. But he moved. He moved a little bit, and to some degree that bothers me." Outside the prison in Draper Utah, there was a candlelight vigil attended by members of Gardner's family.

If I ever get the chance, I'm going to demand a wrecking ball.

Simpsons Non Sequitur Number 1

[The gay pride parade is going past the Simpson house.]

Chanting marchers: "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!"

Lisa Simpson: "You're here every year. We ARE used to it."

Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood.

Homer: You had me at "hello".

Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Marge: A woman doctor? Well, now I've seen everything.

Bart: You could be my father figure.

Homer: No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck.

Lisa: Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know.

Nelson: Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

[Homer wearing a beer keg on his head]

Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland.

[everyone in the bar starts laughing]

Marge: How are the kids supposed to get home?

Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.

Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?

Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.

[pockets money]

Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 5

Took this with my Blackberry (yes, ahem ... Blackberry) while walking to the Batavia cafe, Kota.

They were already posing for someone else's photo.

I think the one in red is going to turn into a slut. I don't know how I know this - it's a gift.

No, not the baby. The red recliner.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 4: Sincerely

Regards is the most commonly used email sign-off at work. It's occupied the top spot for many years now. And for some reason, the Regards people tend to not put a space between Regards, [comma inclusive] and their name. Why don't they just remove all the paragraphs squash up the whole fucking email into a few centimetres? Huh?

Cheers made a run for it a few years ago, but has recently retreated. I took on Cheers about 10 years ago and stuck with it. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but I'm used to it now. Much like nicknames, you stop noticing it with overuse.

Snaps was a good idea, poorly executed.

Kind Regards and Best Regards are useful for when I'm crawling to someone I don't know. I usually use Best Regards,, unless I think the person may be religious or unkind.

Thanks is becoming more common as well but seems ironic at times, eg at the bottom of complaints.

Nasty people tend to choose the fluffiest versions. I used to work with a cranky bitch in Sydney who urged people to "Keep Smiling" but never did herself.

In a similar vein, Cold, hard people are also known to shove a Warmest before their Regards.

Sincerely is quite ok and Faithfully is fucked. I've always harboured a secret fantasy to start using Cordially.

The most radical sign-off I have ever encountered comes from a colleague here in Jakarta.

He uses "God Bless You". I kid you not.

God Bless You hangs there above his name: no comma, no fullstop ... just sits there in the air above him, pretending to be kind. Much like God.

It may seem insignificant, but imagine receiving God Bless You at the bottom of detailed, technical corporate emails. An example from today:

Please ensure you have submitted your draft proposal by COB Wednesday, or the pricing and approvals will not be completed in time.

God bless you

Vincent

It's odd. Much like God.

God bless you too, Vincent.

Meeting Room At Work

Even blind people can see that there's something wrong with this room.

It is actually one of the worst meeting rooms in the office. You only use it when the other rooms are taken and you have to make a call in private.

Sometimes visitors need to work in it when there are no available desks.

I imagine that this is what solitary confinement is like in a white collar prison ...

... or how a home office is designed in a one-bedroom apartment in Tokyo ...

... or what what Siberia feels like ... in general.

This cramped, cold phone booth can only fit either one person sitting or 2 standing. It's a cunt of a place to spend an afternoon.

No crass puns please Cheesel.

Edwin

The blog has been rocked by scandal!

It's been revealed that Edwina used to be a man. This explains the big hands.

But it doesn't explain the son.

So I asked.

Turns out she fathered her son before the op.

Oh, and her former name was Edwin. This last little lack of originality is so believable that it kinda substantiates rest of the story.

Although she seems more like a Darren to me, does our Edwina.

Hobbies

We are currently recruiting a few people. This is an excerpt from a CV I was sent today:

Interests

Relaxing, surfing the internet and listening to music.

I think he forgot to mention "eating pizza" but it's clearly implied in the subtext. I mean ... can't you already see him sitting at home?

This honesty was so inspiring that I immediately asked HR to schedule an interview. He has no chance at getting the job but I'm dying to see what he looks like. Srsly.

Last month I had to write my own bio and "hobbies" was once of the sections in the form. Every new employee to Indonesia has to do this - a monthly email is sent to all employees with their photos and descriptions. I tried to wriggle out of it, claiming illness (pigment deficiency syndrome) but HR insisted. Laughed, then insisted. I was really stumped by the "hobbies: section.

I tried and tried to think of something to say.

Then I realised. I have no hobbies. How did it get to this? How could I have no hobbies?

No one knows me here so I decided to make some up.

I picked rowing and swimming. That's right. I submitted my HR form with false claims of swimming and rowing. Srsly.

Actually I prefer relaxing, surfing the internet and spending time with friends but I couldn't put that ...

The real me is much closer to my interview candidate than the HR me. He's my mirror. And I will judge this mirror harshly. And I wlil not give him a job. No matter how good he is. Because who can trust a man with no hobbies? Srsly.

I hope he's fatter than me.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 3

A recorded message last Friday night.

“We’re sorry – due to heavy calling we cannot complete your call at this time.”

Firstly I thought the lines were congested. Then I tried again. Same message. Other people must be getting through on their calls. It must be only me.

I may have gained a few kilos ... but now you're blocking my calls?

It's offensive.

Confirmation

Tomorrow morning I'm going to KL for a couple of days.

This is the confirmation email my new travel agent sent.

Why why why has she matched this font colour with this background?

And what what what was she thinking?

And how how how did this ever seem like a good idea?

So many questions. So few answers.

This is supposed to confirm my itinerary and help me feel organised. Ironically, I now have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do tomorrow, or whe

Then I saw who she cc:d. That made up for everything.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 2

I was in a meeting today and someone said:

"Well it's just another day, another 50 cents".

50 cents? Even the cliches have to be downgraded because of the GFC.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 1

This morning I was in a meeting with our country manager - a born and bred Indonesian - and he came out with:

"... well Anthony we either do something now or it's So Long Farewell Auf Wiedersehen Goodbye"

All I could think of was ugly curtains.