In Vietnam the lunar new year is called "Tet" and is followed by 4 public holidays. They stole it (the holiday, not the name) from the Chinese. If you've been occupied for 500 years you're bound to pick up a few tricks.
In retrospect, there were many signs that Tet was acomin':
1. The words Chúc mừng năm mới have been misleadingly written everywhere for a couple of months. And I mean ... everywhere. This roughly translates to "We wish you a Merry New Year" (forgive them, they don't get a merry Xmas). Originally I thought these signs were for "our" new year until a potato told me that no one gives a shit about the calendar year. Evah. It's all about Lunar, baby.
2. Vietnamese flags are flying everywhere: even off motorbike rear view mirrors. I got a face full on my way home tonight. (I imagine my assailant lining me up in their mirror and waiting for the wind to change before slowing down abruptly.)
3. People are selling cheesy balloons everywhere, even though have see no child (or adult, for that matter) brandishing one. The only evidence of balloon usage has been when I branded my own steer so that other rustlers couldn't steal her.
4. Peasants (OK, ladies in conical hats) squatting beside roadside mats selling illegal firecrackers.I particularly enjoyed seeing a traffic cop stand in front of one. She didn't panic. She just impassively moved her merchandise 20 metres up the road so that her customers could illegally pull over to illegally purchase her illegal products. 10 metres for the traffice cop's customers, 10 metres for hers.
5. Manicured trees in every house. We have a large cumquat in the apartment garage ... as if the other motorbikes, rubbish bags and security guard's children weren't obstacle enough. People have been carting trees around in ceramic pots for about 3 months and I didn't know why.
6. In the lead up to Tet, the police are out in force ensuring traffic violations are not committed without a bribe. A traffic violation in Hanoi nearly always means a payment of between 50k-150k (and no receipt). This is how the police save for their Tet holidays.
New Year's Day was last Sunday, the same day I returned back from Hong Kong and everything has been closed for the week. Even the supermarkets. The only food I can get is from those places that stay open through Tet because they do such a bad trade all year round that they can't afford the time off. I've had the most disgusting street food that I'm going to need a lot of fucking Chúc mừng năm mới to keep poisoning at bay.
Oh, and most of my potato friends have also abandoned Hanoi. They knew it was coming and have long been planning their holidays in Tetless countries like Thailand or Laos.
Oh, and the maid is off all week (full pay) so the apartment is slowly unravelling.
Oh, and it's fucking freezing. The coldest weather I've yet experienced in Hanoi. Possibly the world. No, definitely the world. Hanoi is the coldest place in the world.
Oh, and did I mention that everything is closed? Yes I think I did. But it is.
Oh, and get this. There appears to be a proliferation of Mary Kate and Ashley movies on TV. The security guard loves them. Unfortunately they're not dubbed so I get to hear them speak as I weave my way through the obstacle course.
This almost (just almost) makes me wish Nancy was still here. Almost. OK not at all.
"Spotted leaving the scene of the crime ... The suspect is described as a 5'6" female potato; in her mid 40's or possibly early 60's; poorly dressed; blue and white "Lousie Brooks style" helmet; riding a black Nuovo registration number 29-Y7-8717. Due to the slow speed of departure from said telegraph pole, we have approximately 200 witnesses of her 3 prangs and 17 near misses. The suspect was trailing a pink pussycat balloon while sporting a permanently bored-yet-shocked expression on her face. She is considered to be armed but not dangerous, as both arms appear to be firmly fixed to the handle bars which indicates early stage rigor mortis."
