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20 April 2011

Más Fotos Que Las Algunas


1. Over At The Frankenstein Place, Plaza Indonesia

There is no bookstore anywhere near this sign.
I walk past it every day and know the area well.

The arrow points directly into a clothing store. And said clothing store is not called Lifehouse Bookstore (which wouldn't have surprised me).

Moreover, there is no Lifehouse Bookstore listed in the Store Directory.

I blame the cleaner. The cleaners in this mall are very easily distracted. They as much time stopping and leaning against the mop, as they do on the mopping.

I walk through this mall on my way to work.
Each morning at least 3 cleaners will stop and pause in my honour. The process starts long before I pass them: as the cleaner sees me coming far in the distance ... she or he will abruptly halt, lean, stare and make eye contact ... as I get within striking distance they smile while slowly nodding and saying "Pagi Pak"
("
Good morning sir"
) ...
this gaze is maintained as I pass by and it feels like parental supervision.

When it first started happening I assumed these cleaners just hoping to see the fat white cunt slip over. Now I realise it's standard Indonesian politeness. "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Vietnam anymore."

Back to the sign. One of these cleaners probably just plonked it down a few weeks ago while supervising a passing office worker. She must have moved on to some other task and never came back. Or, given that the Lifehouse Bookstore sounds like a Christian shop this could be a new style of terrorism, where the infidels are left dazed and confused.


2. Starbucks, Plaza Indonesia

Indonesians avoid conflict and have a very roundabout way of giving an opinion, using copious amounts of small talk and metaphor.

Nevertheless, surely there are nicer ways to provide feedback.


I'm not sure if this sign is directed at the chef or the farmer. Probably both.


3. Baby On Board

This all looks so creepy. I felt I was Angelina Jolie as I walked passed it.


Romania Angelina, not Africa Angelina.



4. Tattoovertising

For one, this inscription is bullshit. Everyone knows that wings are useless for carrying things (Twin Towers, anyone?).

Or that a tub of chicken wings will make you heavy (man boobs, anyone?).

This tattoo may be the best that this parlour can offer.
It can also be used as a warning sign: like a gangrenous stump on a cigarette packet.


5. Hati-hati, Prambanan, Yogyakarta

Why do I love this sign? Because it's so careless.


"If we don't know how to put up a sign properly, good luck on our stairs. "


6. Adisucipto Airport, Yogyakarta,

A lot of cheap Indonesian ice creams in here but not a single Magnum.


Unilever must be tickled pink with the results of their Indonesian advertising spend.


7. Suits and Ties and Porn and Violence

This sign appeared on a wall at our office, next to the area undergoing renovations.


Patience my arse. This is a pervert magnet.

15 April 2011

Algunas Fotos


I blame my Blackberry for the poor quality of this montage. Nevertheless ...


1. Semen all over Jalan Sutan Syahrir

"Semen" is the Indonesian word for "cement" and t
axis in Jakarta advertise it on signs above their number plates.


I chuckle every time I see it ... because whatever way you look at it ... it's a funny thing to advertise on the back of a taxi.

Who is buying all this semen? That's what I wanna know.



2. Out of the Woodwork: Sogo Department Store, Plaza Senayan

How many shop assistants and security personnel does it take to sell a single dvd player?

The answer to that question is ... drum roll ...

"Itwilleventuallytake9".


The above sales process was kicked off by a single, rogue Sales Assistant. He was Squite capable of handling all aspects of the DVD Player purchase, even when it became complicated by a sub woofer and a set of speakersit.

Nevertheless, back-up soon arrived.

Various other Shop Assistants started appearing from nowhere. Most of them would pace around a bit before settling on a spot to stand. They remained in place staring at the goings-on, making eye contact and smiling.

I got the urge to start feeding them.


When you buy something large in Jakarta you don't have pack it up. You don't have carry it. You don't have to anything it. People do all that for you.

You are even free to in a bit of window shopping around the mall and they will trail behind you, lugging the purchases. I don't quite have the heart to do this, but I know 2 girls at my gym who wouldn't have an issue. They take their maids with them to the gym. The maids stay a few steps behind, carry their gym bags to the lockers, while the girls trot ahead gossiping and supping on Gatorade.

2 friendly peasants in khaki uniforms appeared from nowhere to pack, carry and stalk what had turned into an expensive home theatre.

So really it was 11.


3. Plaza Indonesia - Obligatory Nanny Shot.

The nanny stays back (10 steps) to babysit the balloon while the child enjoys quality escalator time with its parents.




4. Hacky Sacks: Mall eX

When current affairs, terrorism and retail advertising come together the results are breathtaking.


I wonder if it draws a crowd when they cut them down?



5. The new keyboard

If you look closely at my recent key restructure, it is a little nauseating.




6. Smoking Lives

Marlboro is the proud sponsor of many an event in Indonesia.


It's quite strange how quickly this type of thing has come to look ... umm ... quite strange.



7. Sunset cocktails at Ku De Ta, Bali





8. A wall of baby

I don't know what creeps me out more ... Justin Bieber himself or people I know who have never heard of him.

They pretend not to care about such fads, but these same people end up tapping their feet and humming along to "Baby" at the gym. How can you protect yourself if you're not informed?


This bookshelf had 5 books dedicated to Bieber - 3 biographies, 1 photo montage and an autobiography.

Juzzie must have many a tale to tell. He's coming to Jakarta this Saturday night to share some of them with the world's 4th most populous country.

01 April 2011

Praise You Like I Should

This article explains little about Fika's motivations, but does explain why last night's traffic was so bad.

I'm quite fond of Fika, I have to say. And I have such a clear image of last night:

... his colleagues form a dark blue uniformed cluster around the base of a unsecured ladder. You can see "SECURITY" embroidered boldly on their backs as they inspect the tree like a bunch of gormless twits
... a mob of chanting monkey disciples provides a fitting soundtrack.
... one of the guards gets inspired and climbs halfway up the ladder to toss bananas, like a vertical version of Horseshoes. A banana eventually gets stuck on a twig and the ladder wobbles as he descends, gingerly.
... the traffic groans to a standstill and morphs into a long, thin carpark.

It's Monkey Madness!!!

Jakarta is not a tourist city but there is always something interesting going on, with or without Fika. Take this other story for example, which is Also Good.