Edwina Monologues Part X

R: Hey Edwina - who was that you were just talking to?

Edwina: Dunno. They all look the same.

The Edwina Monologues (Part L)

Loose Lips

When Edwina is pleased with herself she licks her lips. This usually happens mid monologue, while she is working up to an important point. She often does it between the words “and” and “then I”. Out comes the tongue for a quick whip around the lips before it is sent back inside. 

There is no sign of any lipstick (or other makeup) that could get in the way. The effect is quite creepy … more reptile creepy than paedophile creepy.

SUMS

Spudupmanship

The process by which a potato tries to demonstrate his superiority over other potatoes. This can be manifested in many different ways such as: daring food choices; overt use of language skills; motorbike prowess; knowledge of history; or interesting stories based on direct experiences with locals.

This term was coined this morning, while I was being overtaken by a potato on the way to work. This guy was weaving in and out of cars so daringly that he must have been overcompensating for a weak chin that must be constantly getting in the way of him looking cool. I'm sure he saw me up ahead and that having a potato in his sights provided extra motivation to be extra daring. At least ... that's what I would do ... I'm that petty.

Other Worked Example

R and I demonstrated some spudupmanship yesterday when we invited another potato to breakfast and she ate cornflakes beforehand because she can't stomach chili and noodles for breakfast. She demonstrated spudupmanship on arrival to by parking her motorbike expertly in a tight spot while we floundered for larger spaces. We fought back by taking a backstreet on the way to work. She fought back by bringing in cookies that her cook had baked the previous day. On so on and so forth.

Other Worked Example

Those fucking people who tell you about interesting facts they learnt at obscure museums in small towns. Of course I think I want to be them, but the fact that I'm not makes me hate them all the more.

Tourists generally don't attempt spudupmanship with the same vigour as an ex-pat. This is because the expat is used to being shoved down the social ladder that he will do anything to scramble up off the last rung, even though the only things available (that far down) to use as leverage are other dull-witted spuds. This must be what it's like at the bottom of the ocean, with all these odd looking creatures fighting it out for the penultimate rank.