Missing Links

My only remaining clean shirts all need cufflinks. However, the little black box where I keep my (only three pairs of) cufflinks has gone missing.

It was last seen on the dining table. Next to where Trang was sitting.  Last Sunday.

I can't help but suspect Trang. It's in keeping with my theory that She Be Actin' Like She Some Kinda 'Ho Who Turned. She had motive. She had opportunity: last seen packing up her things in that area, while I was fetching (and I mean fetching) her a glass of water. Besides, she's an opportunistic little miss. So I'm calling it early: Trang stole them. Maybe she did it as she thrust the "homework" papers at me, like one of those gypsy kids in Rome who use a newspaper to distract you while they pickpocket you.

I will start working on a questioning approach for our next meeting. What's the word when the police interview the witness? Actually I think it's interview. Like "I need to interview the suspect". No, I think it's a more specialised word. Interrogate! That's it! I will interrogate Trang on her next visit: shake her down and see what falls out.

Grenouilles

There is a constant sound of frogs gribbetting outside my apartment. 

What could they possibly have to talk about all night?

Piece of Work

I had my introductory meeting with Trang this evening. What a piece of work she turned out to be.

Our meeting was planned for 11am. 

At 10:30 I received an sms saying "I am still doing things so how about later, like 4?"

At 10:35 I replied that, yes, 4pm is ok .

At 10:37 Trang responded with: "Thanks...! I will be there abt 4:30 and 5. See you then."

By 16:55 there was no sign of Trang. I call her phone and there as no answer. 

I recall Trang's website, which offers 30 minutes free with every lesson. I couldn't work out what happens in these 3o minutes  but now I know: she uses them to run late.

At 17:05 Trang turns up, rings the doorbell a few times too many, smiles briefly, leaves her heels on and shakes my hand quickly as she trots in. I admire her grooming and her pluck.

We sit down. I offer her the seat across from me at the dining room table but she says she prefers to sit next to me. I am about to offer her a glass of water when she bursts out of the blocks.

"So you want to just learn survival Vietnamese or you want to be perfect?"

Me: "Well, I am staying here a long time. 2 years. So I want to learn properly, with structure. Not just basic."

[She couldn't look more bored if she tried.]

Her: "So you want perfect? Reeeally?"

Me: "Ok. Umm. Yes. Perfect, I s'pose."

Her: "No it's too hard for you. Too difficult to learn perfect. Just basic Vietnamese is good ... [Then, get this] ...  "Anyway I only have 15 workbooks and I have to give you one if you learn proper Vietnamese. So you will do basic survival I think."

Me: Yes but I know how to learn a language--"

Her: "It will be fine. Survival and conversation. No problem."

She then tells me how she hates having to think up all the different scenarios for teaching survival Vietnamese so hopefully my homework can include me thinking up some scenarios for us to practice with, too. She then complains how tired she feels this afternoon.

I get the feeling that this is not quite her calling.

Trang: "When you would like your lessons?

Me: "Saturday if possible." [I notice she screws up her face.] "Is that OK? What's up? Not good?"

She starts to look like she's sulking.

Her: "Saturday..? Awww...! But I want to hang out with my friends!"

An awkward silence appears. I am not liking  Trang's tone at all: she's behaving like a hooker who turns on you the minute she's been paid ...  I automatically feel for my wallet to check it's still there.

Her: "OK then, Saturday."  [I notice a slight turning of the nose, as if she thinks someone has farted but is not quite sure.]  "When do you want to meet next?"

Me: "Umm ... next week please."

Her: "No. I'm too busy. We start in 2 weeks. OK?" [Fishes around in her bag.]  "Here. Take these papers and learn them. Your homework." [She thrusts some photocopies into my hand.]

Me: "OK. Thanks then. See you in two weeks."

Her: "I go now. First give me a glass of water."

[Stockholm kicks in and I start to nod and smile obsequiously as I head for the fridge.]

Despatching a currier

Sam: I need Edwina to focus on document XYZ because I don't have anyone else.

Me: Yes but that worries me. She needs supervision. Which is stupid I know, but she does.

Sam: Well I don't have anyone else to do it so we have to take the risk.

[2 hours later]

Me: Edwina can you please review document XYZ? We're running late here so I'd like you to focus on it, update the English and highlight anything that we need clarity from. Call them in to clarify once you have a list.

Ed: What? Oh. Yeah. Sure. I don't know if I will know what they mean but I can try.

[One day later]

Me: Have you finished? Can I see? How was it?

Ed: No I haven't finished it because I didn't understand it. It was impossible. Their English was everywhere.

Me: Just change it then.

Ed: But I don't know what they're saying half the time. It's impossible.

Me: Give me an example

Ed: Well I was reading one sentence that they wrote "send something through using a currier" -- I mean ... what's a currier?

Me: It's courier. Just change it. Obviously they mean courier. They are referring to sending documents from one location to another. Please don't turn it into a personal crusade.

Ed: Yes that's what I thought. Courier. But "currier" didn't come up in spellcheck in Word so then I checked it on google and it's an actual word, did you know?

Me: I don't care. It's not relevant. Make the changes please. Did you met with them to clarify other things which aren't clear?

Ed: No but I called them and said you were not happy with their progress.

Me: I'm actually more worried about your progress.

Ed: Yes, but a "currier" is certainly nothing to do with the process that they were writing about. It relates to someone who--"

Me: We don't have time to be pedantic. Please just change it and stop scoring points. We know their English is not good, so change it. We don't have time and we do know what they mean to say most of the time.

Ed: It actually has something to do with leather tanning--"

Me: Please. Stop. Now. Change it. Please."

[2 days pass] 

I'm doing a final review of Edwina's document. I come across a comment in the revised document ... "Please explain currier. Do you mean courier? Currier doesn't make sense in this sentence. Please outline what you mean." Fer fuck's sake.

Simultaneous Translation

The week before last I delivered a speech to a bunch of Hanoi bankers. The subject of my presentation was assigned to me 2 weeks earlier by someone in Marketing: "New Ideas in Customer Relationship Management". Of course, I had no new ideas. And no time to find any. So I grabbed a lot of other people's old ideas, tied them together with string and chewing gum, arrived 5 minutes early to load my PowerPoint file onto the central computer.

I was told the speech would be translated, simultaneously. I was also told that while I had 45 mins to speak, I would only to use 35 mins of material because of the speed of the translation so please go through the other material quickly. An interesting stage direction to say the least: "You will need to go slower than normal, so will not get through everything, so please go quicker through some parts."

I asked to meet the translator. I opened up my PowerPoint and showed him the sections where I would not be sticking to the written words on the screen and what I would say; how I would introduce myself in the beginning; checked that  he had good translations for obscure words such as advocacy, psycho-demographic and end-to-end multi-channel process architecture; asked how quickly he would like me to speak and whether there was anything else he needed to know or vice versa. Turns out he didn't want to know anything at all, except where I was from:

"Sydney."

-- "I studied in Adelaide at Adelaide University for 3 years."

"What did you study? English language?"

-- "No. Finance."

"Oh. Do you need me to go through my speech with you?"

-- "No. It's OK. Just speak a bit slower than you normally speak. But not too slow. Just a little bit. Like 10%."

"What about this pace, is this OK?"

-- "No that's too slow. Just a little quicker but not too much."

"Oh. OK."

There are about 10 rows of people in the audience. Having studied the invitation list I knew they had job titles like Vice General Director and Deputy Director, Payment Promoting Department. So I knew I was in for a good time.

Next thing I know I'm getting mic'ed, then announced, and walk up the aisle to the podium through gentle applause.

As I start to speak, the entire audience reached for the pair of headsets in front of them and puts them on. So now no one is listening to me. My wisdom (OK, other people's wisdom) is being filtered via a slack-jawed Adelaide Uni finance graduate. And I am looking out onto rows of bumble bees. I know how Jaws 3 felt.

Needless to say, I abandoned all attempts at light hearted repartee and ploughed on through the material. Halfway through, I noticed that I had abandoned the podium and my hands were gesturing a bit too hard and my arms were occasionally flapping. I think my message was looking for other ways to get  out in its raw from. Quite tragic but beyond my control. About 3/4 of the way through I got bored, so I started speeding up my speech to annoy the translator. At one stage I was rabbiting on really quickly about key customer life event triggers and how to recognise them and how to operationalise them, while thinking to myself "Simultaneous that, yer cunt.".

That's not my only experience of simultaneous translation though. No, no, no. 

Edwina provides simultaneous translation for me - in English - on a daily basis. 

For some reason, she feels that by repeating things I say she is helping people understand it. Sometimes it's condescending to the locals when it's staccato. Sometimes confusing. But mostly it's just disruptive, superfluous filler. This from a document review last night with our contractors:

Me: "Could you just add a table in that section which gives a simple breakdown of what you are providing."

My echo: "You need to add a table in that section there. Just a breakdown of everything.

Me: "I don't understand this bit. I think I know what you're saying but the client may not understand. Could you please reword it?"

My echo: "This needs to be reworded so that the client understands it. Can you see the sentence there that begins with--"

Me: "Yes Edwina - they know which sentence. They're already marking it up on their page.

My echo: "So that sentence that you're marking up - yes that one. That needs to be reworded to make sure the client under--"

Me: "Let's have only one voice saying the same thing, OK?"

things i will remember to negotiate in my next lease

1. bedding for the spare room

2. soap dishes

3. towels

4. chopsticks

5. coat hangers

6. kettle

7. tea towels

8. corkscrew

9. toaster

First Written Warning

Not yet 24 hours and I've been served my first written warning. By hand, no less.

[Knock Knock]

I bend down to look into the peep hole and the security guard is standing there brandishing paper. Firstly yes, I have to lean down because everything here is build on the assumption that I'm 5 foot 3. Secondly, I open the door and the paper turns out to be a typed letter. Highlights as follows:

SOCIALIST REPUBLIC OF VIET NAM

Independent  --  Freedom  -- Happiness

[My face pretends it is studying the page, but my mind  wanders disobediently  ... Wouldn't "Independence" sound better ...? Or perhaps a "Free"/"Happy" combo would sound fresher and contemporary ...? No, "Independence" is better ... more befitting of a governmental department.]

PAYMENT APOINTMENT MINUTE

[One typo didn't keep me interested for long.]

Today, 28th March 2009

We are Hoa Ngoc  Development Co., Ltd.

Herein referred to as the Party A

[Well that's just plain cute, isn't it?]

Party B [that's me] should pay Party A the apratment deposit and apartment Rent right after hand-over the apartment.

Because of some personal reasons, Party B [yep, me!] have just requested to put off all these payment above. The deadline for payment will be on 3rd April 2009.

[Personal reasons? I fail to see how "give me your bank details please" are personal reasons.]

Confirmed by Party A

[His signature, in pen]

Confirmed by Party B

[I fetched my special Stilnox pen for the occasion, signed it and wrote "I am waiting for your bank details, dipstick" underneath. I have the security guard the papers, he returned one of them, and departed with a pleased look on his face.  I have my suspicions about this government; you mark my words.]

Zayafka

No Tax 4 U!

Late landing request from the landlord about my rent. I can either:

a) pay it to an account in the US; or

b) open a special US-dollar bank account in Vietnam and give him power of attorney to withdraw from it.

Apparently my fantastic negotiation skills on Thursday had me agree to one of these options. 

I'm going with a).

This will no doubt end in tears. Mine.

Let me go on the record though, that I will Deep Throat this rhinestone-studded landlord if he crosses me ... even at the risk of Ben giggling at the DT entendre.

Post Purchase Cognitive Dissonance

I was finally inducted into the new apartment this evening at 8:16pm. We had to conduct the inventory walkthrough while I was on a conference call. My inventory guide didn't speak any English so it wasn't so rude. He didn't have any rhinestones on his jeans, either, so it's not like we'll ever be friends. 

Managed to say "I don't see any chopsticks in this drawer but they're listed on my inventory report and so can we please look harder or strike them off the list?", using only hand signals and some odd smiling thing, whilst on a call talking about whether our Russian client is just trying to find fault or has a point and if so what that point could be.

The rice cooker was sitting up on the bench when I walked in, pride of place. Phew. No toilet paper though. I'm going to conquer that damn cooker.

That new dwelling feeling is strange though. I always feel very discombobulated after moving to a new residence. I don't get it in a hotel room, so it's probably linked to the irrevokability of the choice.

I've found a lebanese restaurant (of all things) nearby and am now in it. I was the only person here at 9:30 and no one else has come in during the last hour. Friday night, too. There are 5 waiters, 4 bad hairstyles and 3 t-shirts with fresh spills down them. Staff lunch must have been poorly plated.

I'm going to somehow say "bingo" when I pay; just to break the ice. It's important to make friends in a new school. 

Blunt instruments

Had an extremely busy day with tight deadlines and angry client and too much work and stress and concentration. So I've been dans la zone all day; furiously typing, and formatting, and basically doing things which no one will read. But important, right ...

Anyway at one point Edwina pipes up out of the blue, for the tenth time, with something inane and distracting. This one I wrote down:

"Isn't it funny? Don't you think it's funny how people always think it's a lot further to walk --"

Me: "No. Edwina. Not now. I can't listen to this now. Sorry".

She didn't seem to mind at all.  I somehow think I'm not her first.

Worst lease ever

I forgot to negotiate an iron, ironing board and towels (tea or bath) with my landlord. I'm sure there are many others standard items as well. So I now have to steal some towels from the hotel before I check out, to tide me over for a week or so when I can buy some.

Yesterday,  when we walked through the apartment with the inventory list, I did ask if he supplied a rice cooker. Oh yes, I have successfully worked a rice cooker into my lease. (Get me.) I didn't ask for towels, or an ironing board, or an iron, or indeed anything of a standard, perfunctory nature. I was probably trying to sound Vietnamese during the negotiation or something, God knows. I've never even used a rice cooker.  Even when I was given one.

Dirty clothes

[Ring Ring]

"Hello Good Morning Hilton Reception this is Mai speaking how may I help you?

"Hello Mai I am checking out today and I was won—"

"Check out?"

"Yes I am checking out today. BUT—"

"Yes sir, what time you like to check out?"

"BUT I need to do my laundry. Is it possible to do my laundry and also check out?"

"Your Laundry, sir?"

"Yes. I am checking out today. But also I want to do laundry. Is it possible to do laundry?"

"Laundry."

"Laundry. And check out."

"Yes sir. You have a laundry bag sir?"

"Yes."

"Please leave laundry in room. You want me call housekeeping to pick up?"

"Yes but not until I now if I can also check out. Is this possible?"

"Check out?

"Yes. Check out AND laundry. Is that OK?"

"Check out? What time you check out?

"Umm. Early I think. Morning. Now. Soon. L"

-- Check out now? OK. No problem. Please come to reception for check out.

"What about my laundry?"

-- Is there anything else I can help you with sir?

"Yes I just want to ask about my laun—"

" Thank you, sir. You're welcome, sir."

[Click]

Les Fleurs du Mal

By the way I negotiated that the landlord buy me some bedding because I don't have time and want to move in tomorrow. I had visions of arriving to new, fresh floral extravaganza.

So then, right, I write the agent an email and say:

"If the landlord is buying any bedding for me could you just ask it to be only white? I have very simple tastes so no patterns please."

So gay.

expression of the day

"Flash as a rat with a gold tooth."

Best expression. Ever.

Holy holy

I am working with someone who begins his emails with: 

"Dear [Name],

"Blessed morning! ..."

I kid you not.

Lease

Met the new landlord. We argied. And we bargied. Then I signed the lease.

At one point I tried to look intent and negotiatingly ... which is like "lovingly" for relaxed but serious businessmen like me. But I don't think they bought it. I don't think my body language was smooth enough, eg my inelegant trajectory when lifting the glass from table to lips.

Lesson: come with a laundry list of stuff you want in the apartment and use them as bargaining chips.

But I managed to get a 1-month termination agreed, but he insisted it was both ways. I guess that's fair but I still ensured that the wording of the English version (which I updated on my computer, casually smiling and relaxed) would protect my interests, give only me the power to terminate the lease, and make it hard for him to rip me off.

He seemed nice though: very strong hair gel and random rhinestones on his jeans.

Word back from Trang

"Hi Anthony!

"Thank you for enquiry. My normal fee for the beginner's level is $15USD per 2 hours (you get an extra 30 minutes for free) That breaks down to one hour of instruction and one hour of oral practice ..."

30 minutes free? So here's my breakdown. If I always get 30 mins free then I'm really paying $15 for 2½ hours, non? But then when she breaks it down, there's only one hour of this, and one hour of that. So 2 hours. What is going on in the other 30 minutes? 

Free? Let's not forget her website: "the more you pay, the faster you learn".

I have this image in my head of the lesson with Trang: she arrives at 10am and we have 2 hours of laughs, activities, tears (on my part) and cheers (on hers). Then, at midday, a hitherto-obscured alarm clock goes off. Trang stops mid sentence, turns the alarm clock off, sets it on the table between us and we both stare at it, silently, for 30 minutes. After 30 miutes which point she gets up, shakes my hand, I thank her and she leaves.

Moneyshot Girl

This was the title of the t-shirt I wore tonight. I think the slutty woman on it made my colleague quite intrigued. 

"Excuse me what means this moneyshot?"

I told him it was really nothing, which only bought me 10 minutes. Then it comes again:

"Moneyshot? What is?"

Me: "Not a good word. Don't type this into Google" ... then ... "Don't type this into Google using your work computer".

He was married 3 weeks ago but I don't think he's ready for this.

Cheesel: don't type this into Google. You won't like what you find.

cuckold the sequel

Let's just call it a "sub-optimal" outcome.

i'll give you cuckold, mate

I have accepted (but not signed) the apartment which is outside town.  I sent an sms to the agent saying I would take it, he confirmed the rate and conditions and I need to sign this afternoon.

So later this morning, I received an sms from another agent regarding an earlier enquiry I made on the web. So I have arranged to see another apartment at 12:30 today.

I am now playing the game. 

Of course, I expect the whole thing to blow up in my face.

apartment

I'm going to take the one that's a bit out of town, if they will accept short-term.

My waistline is not going in a good direction and this has a small gym downstairs. That's enough for now. 

Au revoir, gras.

I really think so

This on another website advertising Vietnamese lessons:

"You'll be surprised at how far a little Vietnamese will go." 

On what? A ham sandwich?

It actually reminds me of another scene from yesterday. One of Edwina's tales of derring-doo ended with:

"... and then all the little Vietnamese seemed quite OK with it ..." or something like that.

Me: "Little Vietnamese? Little, eh?

- "Well yes haven't you looked around?" [Stands up, flattens her hand and raises it to chin level] "Most of them probably only come up to here."

"Yes but the term is a bit condescending. I was hoping you'd stop using it, not explain it further with science."

It reminds me of a few days ago when I was saying how annoying I found one of the Russians we're working with. She started shaking her body going "Yes, it does get annoying doesn't it?" to which I replied "It's not his Parkinson's that I find annoying, it's his attitude." 

"OK but it is annoying too, right?"

-- "No. Please stop doing that. It's not funny."

"OK. Fair enough."

A new day, a new story

To sufferers of WAAD, it is not uncommon to interrupt any group conversation or meeting with a new anecdote. This just in:

"My son has taught his friends how to say 'I am tired and I want to go to bed' In Italian.

"So he and his friends say that in class and the teacher has no idea what they are saying ... cheeky bugger."

The apple is 18 and a first-year law student. And not rolling very far.

A new agent, a new day.

I'm off to see a 4-bed apartment now.  It's near the Truc Bach lake area but I fear it's too big, even taking into account my recent weight gain.

Breakfast conversation with my Vietnamese colleague:

"You should eat more. That is not enough."

Me: "No. It's enough. I am getting too fat eating all the time in the hotel."

"Oh. Yes. Fat. Probably this is enough."

Word Association Anecdote Disorder

That's the name of the disease my colleague has. Yesterday, as I was leaving the office: 

Me: "I'm off now. I'm not going straight to the hotel, though. So no point sharing a cab."

Her: "Where are you going?"

"Chemist"

-- "What are you getting?"

"Toothpaste"

-- "Oh. I got toothpaste just before I left Australia to come away here. It was on my shopping list for Coles. Toothpaste and shampoo. I always go to Coles just before I leave and toothpaste is always on the top of my list."

[So I try to pretend I didn't really hear the full story.]

"I went to Coles for Vegemite and Tim Tams and I forgot the Tim Tams."

-- "I got all my things just before I left. From Coles. I took a long list with me the night before."

[So I try to change the story.]

"Didn't you get a night flight?"

-- "Yes you're right. So I guess technically it was the day before I left. Not the night. Althought it was Thursday so everything is open late anyway, even in Lane Cove."

"So do you want me to get you anything at the chemist? Toothpaste?

-- "No thanks. Already got it. Not from the chemist, though. I got everything from Coles."

"Oh. OK. Bye then."

Toothpaste at Coles! That's not a fucking story. Maybe if she stole it. But she bought it ... from Coles ... I mean ... Coles ...

The toothpaste I eventually bought is called Germicheck. Which is why I bought it.

"How do you make a hormone?"

-- "Kick her in the cunt."

That joke will always be funny.

bait and switch

In consulting there is a phrase called "Bait and Switch", where the A Team (the "bait") is heavily involved in the sales and solution process and very impressive to the client. Once the contract is signed, the A Team go onto other sales opportunities and are "switched" with the B Team. The B Team is typically a group of lesser workers; often distinguished by worse clothes, worse hair, worse work ethic and a happier home life.

I think I'm being baited and switched with these apartments.

Truc Bach Lake. The first time I am shown an apartment I love. The next day I ask for it, only to find that it's priced 50% above the maximum price I gave to the agent. By way of coincidence, though, there happens to be one in the same building which is within my range. I  go and see it but it is much lower quality. 

Tong Duy Tan. The second time I am shown an apartment which I love. Within hours I start asking to negotiate price and rent conditions and am told it may be now given to someone else who saw it earlier. By way of coincidence, my agent happens to another one in the same building. I go and see it but it is much lower quality. 

Perhaps I should just take the one which was the river (with a gym downstairs) and hire a motorbike to ride the 10-15 min get into town? Or hold out for something else closer to the city ... 

Fuck fuck fuck.

the only apartment i've liked

Looks like I'm not going to get it. 

Apparently someone else saw it first and is considering it.

If he's trying to drive up my price, it's working.

Soooooo disappointing ...

... but i won't shine

[Ring Ring]

"Hello?"

"Yes-good-morning-sir-this-is-your-wake-up-call-you-have-a-good-day-OK-bye-bye." [Click]

Apartment hunt

I think I've found an apartment that I want.

It's very central, in a shabby area with lots of noise around it. It's not as nice as the one that was above a gym but it's close to lots of restaurants. Oink oink.

Will be making an offer on it tomorrow. I'm "cutting a deal" in terms of penalties if I break the year lease. I want an option to bail if I'm unhappy. Of course, if they don't agree I have no choice but to take it anyway.

I'm trying to get it under $2k USD per month, so I have money left in my housing allowance to buy extra furniture or electricals. Or lollies. Oink.

B - I - NGO

About a week ago I had a meeting with someone who is normally very reserved and disagreeable. At least, she is with me. The issue was fairly complicated and after slowly going through it in detail, with a few laboured language struggles, she suggested a solution that I thought was spot on.

My response: "Bingo" (thumbs up).

Her response: Spontaneous laughter and a softening around the eyes.

I have since used "Bingo" a few times with different people, male and female , in each case receiving a positive response.

I feel like Alexander Fleming when he discovered penicillin: don't know why it works, but it does, so use it for everything. I likewise expect that people will soon build up resistance to my techniques. Until then, though, it's a sweet ride. Bingo makes everyone happy.

My new favourite language teacher

Trang is a local Vietnamese teacher. I think she's the one in the middle. Here are some highlights from her website.

Firstly I'm not sure what those other smiling Vietnamese people are doing in the picture. I'm not convinced these are her students. The girl in red does not look genuinely happy, either. Her right shoulder seems insincere to me.

Trang says:

Here is what one of my best students had to stay: "I particularly appreciated your energy and enthusiasm, which never waned, despite the fact that I have been such a disappointing student!!"

But what she really means is:

"Anyone can be broken, even my best students. Think about that before you try to ask me the same question twice."

Trang says:

Cost of Lessons? Negotiable, depends on how fast you want to learn.

But what she really means is:

"The more you pay, the more I try. Think about that before you try to negotiate an attractive rate for yourself."

Trang says:

Non-cash payment choices:

Paypal
Good: Fast and inexpensive. Free to set up accounts. Transfer is instantaneous. Paypal only charges the recipient a very small percentage on each payment.
Bad: Must be Paypal members. This should take only a few minutes for most U.S. residents, but it can take several weeks for others.
Western Union Money Transfer
Good: Available in more countries than Paypal. Transfer is instantaneous.
Bad: Must go to the Western Union retail office to receive your money. The sender is charged a significant fee. This fee depends on the office location.
Direct Deposit:
Good: Nothing to set up. Very convenient if our accounts are at the same bank.
Bad: If you cannot access a branch of the bank where I have my account, you will be charged the inter-bank wire transfer fee. This fee to be usually approximately $35 U.S. equivalents at most banks.

But what she really means:

"If you don't pay me cash, I'm going to make your life hell. Think about that before you try to pay with a card."

Aside from Vietnamese, Trang will teach me to tell the truth.

Linguistic observation of the day

The only difference between  "cunt" and "can't" is how long we hold the vowel sound in our mouths.

Next time a foreigner says "You cunt be serious", don't be offended.

Tragic assumption of the day

"So you speak English?"

-- "Yes of course."

"You laugh at my joke. So your English is very good.  So did you go to school not in Vietnam?"

How I love ya how I love ya

My dinner tonight was Swan and Bamboo Noodle Soup.

The swan was revolting. "Sinewy" comes to mind.

Dinner conversation

"Those fucking ball-breaking women in senior management positions don't need to be like that. Someone should have pulled them aside much earlier in their career and had a word with them."

"So then I see this bird and she's - like - 15 out of 10 you know? Her jeans were practically painted onto her."

"Do you follow cricket mate? No? How about golf? No? Rugby? Um. Oh. Just tennis then? That reminds me of a time I went to see Ana Kournikova play and we were so close you could see the beads of sweat running down her leg."

I may add more when I've recovered.

Who wants a Tung Bash?

I went looking for Mr Tung three times today: 8am, 10:30 and 18:30.

No sign. 

Each time I asked where he was. Each time no one knew.

Is this Vietnam's Nicky Webster?

Pacific Rort

I intend to meet this high achiever tomorrow and rate him myself.

If he cannot handle being put through his paces,  I am not above appealing.

For the record, Mr Tung:

• I, too, was working in an industrious-but-friendly manner at the Pacific Place building last month.
  

• I, too, like flowers.
  

• I, too, am the sort of person who would accept a silver Logie.
  

• I have never even seen you on the front desk, much less being nice to anyone.
  

NFAR