I returned to work this morning after a week off and am going through hundreds (literally) of unread emails. It's a tough job but somebody ... well ... anyway ... let's just say ... that by the 40th email I was feeling a little overworked and overwhelmed.
Until one particular email walked into my Inbox and into my life. It is from our National Security Manager, Giang. You may remember her from such emails as the Mean Chinese Streets of San Francisco. Giang has been at it again. In the process, she has tied some very loosely related concepts into a very tight knot.
Dear colleagues,
Fire is one of the most destructive and disruptive catastrophes to people, facilities, assets, and businesses and fire can be ignited by just an incompletely extinguished cigarette. Businesses have long recognized the danger of fire. This is the reason modernized commercial and residential buildings are equipped with fire alarm sensors, smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, and fire sprinkler systems.
As seriously as fire, secondhand smoke is proven to be hazardous to our health.
Our policy states "it is our intent, in response to employee concern, to provide an environment that is smoke free for its employees. Unless state/local laws provide otherwise, a smoke free environment can be achieved by prohibiting smoking inside the building..."
Please restrain from smoking inside the office area at anytime. If you smoke, please go to the designated smoking areas.
Thanks and Best regards,
Giang
Good to see she's not blaming the Chinese this time, mind, but Giang's associations are becoming a little too abstruse for my liking.
I don't ever recall hearing that second-hand smoke had caused a residential building to burn down. Or wiped out a village in a bush fire. Or badly-scarred a well-behaved child. Or necessitated skin grafts and helmets. Or was prevented via ceiling sprinklers. To my knowledge, second-hand smoke has never been linked to Sophie Delezio - a logical first stopover for any self respecting disaster.
Sure. Fire can cause harm and injury to people. Even death. But so can a meat cleaver (especially if brandished by a Californian Chinaman). So can stress. So can a fall from a ladder. So can a wrecking ball at a building site. So can a loose bolt on a ferris wheel. And so can second-hand smoke. And so what?
Sure. The occasional barmaid pops up on the telie reeking of lung cancer ... having never smoked a cigarette in her life (apparently) ... shedding a few tears on 60 Minutes ... blaming her customers ... obscuring a couple of ugly gormless teens on the couch ... but I ask you:
a) Is it any coincidence that she also happens to be poorly dressed? I think not.
b) Is it any coincidence that her hair is badly cut and poorly dyed? I think not.
c) Is it any coincidence that her make-up gun was set to "5" (Whore) this morning? Doubt it.
This retired barmaid's lung cancer is swimming in a pool of so many potential causes that I'm surprised we can even see it. I blame the lung cancer on her hair.
Secondhand smoke is an easy scapegoat, while the immutable link between cancer and bad hair goes largely unacknowledged. Her body is clearly (clearly) protesting against the wiry peroxided tangled cloud it is forced to live under. Her body is simply revolting.
And so is her hair. (Boom boom.)
I have never met someone with both cancer and nice hair and that's all I've got to say on the matter. For another 40 emails at least.
In the spirit of non sequiturs ... please remember to vote my potato up (and the competition down). If I need to bend my neck for a medal, I want it to be gold.
