Here Today, Gone Potato.

All that passport stuff means I can go to Brisbane for the weekend. Phew.

My Deepest Consulate Shuns

I went to the Australian Embassy today to finally lodge my passport application.

Stewart was on 3 weeks leave. This is the same Stewart who has taken me under his wing. Stewart, who has been gently and kindly misadvising me to an early grave. Stewart who talked me into a temporary passport ($100 later this turned out to be inadequate). Stewart who advised me to get my birth extract Fedex'd over ($50 later this turned out to be incorrect). Stewart who hen advised me to get my original birth certificate faxed directly to him from some Births Deaths and Marriages slapper in Sydney. Stewart who told me I could get a non-Australian to endorse my photos.

Stewart wasn't there to tell me my photos needed to endorsed by someone who fits the criteria from some other form that was now being produced.

So I escalated. Here is a sample, to the Vietnamese person working the counter:

"I appreciate that when I go back out there [points to the window] I have no rights. But I am a tax paying citizen of this country and you are supposed to help me when I come in here. I am not leaving this building with any more new rules."

So I escalated again. Here is a sample, to the Parramatta Perm working the counter:

"I have visited this consulate too many times for such a straightforward request.  I have even kept my own written notes here on the laptop to record my recent conversations with Stewart. Each time I come back here I'm given another piece of information that was hitherto not revealed, even when I asked if there was anything else. You have told me to prove my identity. I've done that. You have told me to prove my citizenship. I've done that. The last time I came in here I spoke to Stewart again and he promised me that the only remaining step was the one I have just completed today and he even emailed me to say that my document had arrived and I have changed travel and paid money and taken time from many busy work days and kept coming back here so much so that your security guards on the front watchtower thingo even recognise me now. And you think you can just flap another form in my face and inform me there's yet another hurdle to jump over? This is completely unacceptable. I am not going to accept you blithely waving your hand and telling me to go back to my exercise wheel as if I'm a mouse tring to earn another block of cheese."

-- "It's an Embassy."

"What?"

-- "It's an Embassy."

"You're kidding, right?"

-- "No. You said Consulate.  We're the Embassy."

So then I escalated. Here's a sample, to the Middle Aged Mullet:

"I do not object to the process per se. I object to your complete lack of transparency and all the time and money I am wasting as a result of it." 

[I actually used my tie as a prop during this particular rant. Raised it pointedly like a cheap placard in a teacher's strike.]

So then I escalated. Here's a sample:

"So you're the Ambassador, are you?"

Application accepted.

Save the Potato

Less than 24 hours after submitting my entry for Potato (Slang), I received a written warning from a Wikipedia robot advising me that I had 7 days to justify myself or they would be Invoking Deletion Procedures.

The main issue seems to be that they can't prove I didn't just make this up out of thin air. How ridiculous. What other type of air was used for all the other slang in the world? What makes my slang a second class potato?

I read somewhere recently that a language is a dialect with an army and a navy. I think it was Stephen Pinker.

So I've launched a stay of execution campaign to help it survive beyond its remaining 7 days on Potato Row.

Firstly I referenced my self-penned tome: "Potatospeak: No Longer Underground." I then attempted to link it to a potato book in Amazon, which made Wikipedia go nuts with alerts and threats ... although a fake ISBN seemed to hit the spot.

This is just Viral Potato Marketing 101, so I've also included a reference to Urban Dictionary, after successfully submitting a new entry to them:

Thanks for your definition of Potato!

Editors reviewed your entry and have decided to publish it on urbandictionary.com.

It should appear on this page in the next few days: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Potato

Urban Dictionary

Much friendlier than Wikipedia.