Yule Timing

In: The office
On: 24 December
At: 1 pm

Discussion between me and a colleague, who is Muslim.

Me: "Aren't we supposed to be allowed to leave early today?

-- "No. Only the Christians

"And you're Muslim, right?

-- "Yes.

"Am I considered a Christian in this office?

-- "Yes

"Why can't I go home?"

-- "Because you are too busy today." [giggles]

"Why is the office so empty now?"

-- "Every one goes home."

"But aren't most people Muslims?"

-- "Yes. About 80%."

"So have the Muslims gone home?"

-- "Most of them. Yes."

"So why do they get to go home now?"

-- I think they just convert to Christian for the afternoon." [giggles]

"And what about me? Isn't this my holiday?"

-- Maybe you pick the wrong afternoon to convert to Muslim."[giggles]

I hate it when that happens.

Except For Every Meal

Maria fell ill in the days leading up to her weekend birthday. It was unfortunate timing.

Friday evening must have been kind to her because during the weekend she had recovered. I know this from the multiple changes she made to her Blackbery profile (a common habit in Indonesia). Her progress was mainly charted via cupcakes, party references and shopping.

Unfortunately, Maria must have suffered a relapse on Sunday night because she was sick again on Monday. I began to worry that it was something serious.

You can imagine my relief when she returned on Tuesday. I know this from her reply to an email I sent 6 days earlier. The usual excuses about expenses and payment signalled that she had returned to fine form. I paused halfway through her email to think up some teasing questions and call her bluff about the "illness"

Then it happened.

I felt a tap on my shoulder with a pen and spun around. To this.

I mean ... what could I say?

You gotta hand it to Maria - she knows how to see a plan through to the end.

Unless it's my expenses.

The Slip

Last weekend I met someone who runs an importing business and has a lot of contact with Indonesian Customs and shipping.

I asked him about corruption, which fascinates me.

For the past year (or so) the Indonesian government has been clamping down on corruption and bribery within Customs. The new policy requires importers to issue a letter to their assigned Customs Officer (the one in charge of your shipment).

When your goods arrive in Indonesia you present a bunch of documents to the Officer, including this letter. The letter states that the Officer has not requested or received any form of bribe from you.

Apparently they put the bribe in the same envelope. When the Officer opens the envelope he finds shipping documents, an anti-corruption letter and his cash bribe.

Srsly.

I guess there's point using 2 envelopes. It would be a waste of good money.

Life And Milk

I run a regular team meeting on Monday afternoons.

Today I received the following "decline" from my colleague in India:

"One of my colleagues in Delhi expired yesterday due to heart attack. I am rushing to his cremation now. Please excuse me for today's 2pm meeting."

I wonder how - in his search for the appropriate English - did he settle on "Expired"? It's a little Orwellian.

Euphemisms are tough in a foreign language. Even still, Expired is a weird resting place .

And speaking of resting places ... what's with the rapid cremation? It's as if the guy collapsed onto a fire and they had no choice but to stoke it and ask people to hurry.

Solve A Problem

I was looking for a little clip to accompany my Maria post and found this

It is excrutiating in so many ways. The real test is if you can watch all the way to the end, continuously. (I failed on both fronts.)

Santa Baby

I was sitting at my desk this afternoon and without warning, Xmas music started playing loudly on the speakers. It was quite a surprise because I didn't even know we had speakers.

"Let it Snow" came out loudly on the speakers (the Dean Martin version) followed by an announcement.

I looked out the window. As usual, it was humid, hot and choked up outside and a northerly traffic jam was blowing across Jalan Sudirman. Throw in a bit of snow and the city would be fucked.

Secret Santa was hereby announced. Muslim empire is not protected from a bit of Secret Santa. Or excitement about snow, for that matter.

This was followed by Asian Santa. I think he was one of the guys from Receivables (why is it always the secretaries and the guys from Finance who drive this stuff?).

He didn't "ho ho ho" so much as say "I'm Santa! It's Santa" in a semi booming voice. As he got closer I realised how terrible his costume was, in both manufacture and carriage. The beard wasn't even covering his mouth. I he must have found it annoying, preferring it loosely hanging under his chin.

A couple of randoms from the secretarial pool were wheeling the mail trolley through the office, doling out German looking candy.

If there's anything that Indonesians love more than being Muslim, it's something that involves dressing up - prefereably with a holiday thrown in.

How Do You Keep A Wave Upon The Sand?

In Indonesia when it's your birthday you have to bring a cake to work. It's the same in the Philippines.

One of the other secretaries came up to me this afternoon and whispered to me "It's Maria's birthday tomorrow [Saturday]. Don't tell her I told you."

Maria sits on a different floor to me, an arrangement which suits each of us. So I decided I would send her a quick note to tease her ... ask if she could come in to work tomorrow.

After a couple of hours I hadn't heard back from her. She usually takes the bait by then. So I told her informant what I'd done.

"Oh. Yes. She's sick today. Yes. Very bad flu."

So sick just a few days before her weekend birthday? Not just a bout of flu; a bout of bad luck.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 17: Christbucks

Christmas has certainly hit Starbucks Indonesia in a big way.

They are selling a special Christmas Mix coffee. There are special Christmas concoctions and some other strange offer of a calendar once you achieve 24 stamps (stocks are limited). There is also a Christmas CD mix, on continuous loop since mid November.

I am writing this from a comfortable chair, nestled against a speaker at a less than comfortable volume. Today is a Muslim holiday. I think it's Lunar New Year or something similar that sounds like a hoot.

Currently playing in the cafe? A jazzed up version of RTRNR. Boom cha boom cha style.

Its antecedent? The little drummer boy, drawn out as a slow dirge.

I am sharing this Christmas CD with 2 women in the outdoor seating area. They would be my neighbours, but for the window. Both of them are wearing stylish glasses and a hijab (one yellow, one green). As is the custom here, each has ordered a tall, fluffy, stylised drink. If coffee was gay, this is what it would wear. // a drag version of food/coffee

One of the drinks seems to be a chocolate avocado creamy type thing (nicer in the mouth than on the eye). The other looks like one of the Christmas specials, with raspberry sauce drizzled over the whipped cream. It's supposed to look festive, but hers looks more like a grizzly murder in the alps.

They are both banging away furiously on their Blackberries and not paying attention to each other - another Indonesian social norm. Maybe they're even chatting with each other. Green is chain smoking, effortlessly incorporating quick drags into her Blackberry frenzy and occasionally flicking her glasses back up her nose. Call me a sentimentalist, but there's something about seeing Muslim women chain smoking that makes me feel confident about the future of our planet.

This is a strange country.