Singaporean Non Sequitur Number 4

One of my new team members is called Kum Yeung Kok.

Or Keith, for short.

I think I'll call him Dirty Keith.

Catch A Cloud And Pin It Down

I often bump into Maria while I'm en route to somewhere else.

My somewhere elses are not supposed to be on Maria's route - yet I often spot her nearby, chatting or eating. I think it's called Hanging Around.

This morning I realised how she gets away with it.

Maria uses some kind of smoke machine technique. She must crank it up the moment she sees me coming around the corner. By the time I get close to her, I'm so busy wondering where all this fog came from that I forget to ask what she's doing in it.

Like most brilliant techniques, The Maria Method is also very simple:

1. Get to him first. Don't give the boss an opportunity to ask you any questions. Make sure you're the first to speak.

2. Generate urgency. Notify him of a situation where you need urgent answers from him.

3. Make it all his fault. Find something that he hasn't done.

4. Imply that he's interrupted you, and head off in a rush.

5. When things are really dire, give him the thumbs up as you scurry off.

Her method loiters on that lazy end of the productivity curve, where regulars puff away on cigarettes they've scabbed off single mothers. Ergo Maria excels at it.

What does this look like in action? This morning was a perfect example.

Maria took 2 days leave last week without notice. This morning I tried to find her from 8.30 onwards to no avail. I headed out at 10:30 for a meeting. As I my lift opened at the ground floor, we crossed paths. She had her tote bag over her shoulder was clearly just arriving for work. I instinctively checked her bag for signs of bootleg.

In an instant, Maria deftly stuck her left foot out to hold the doors, while at the same time awkwardly twisting her body to look back at me. This was a contortion designed to look at once uncomfortable, yet dedicated (touché indeed):

"Mr Anthony!"

-- "Hi Maria. How are you?"

"Good good but yes about your expenses and everything there I have now done them but I need you to check quickly before submitting ..."

-- "But you didn't send them to me to review? "

"Yes yes - I'll send again [lie] and you check OK?"

-- "They were supposed to be finished last Wednesday."

"I know! So a quick review from you is better OK? I want to finish all today so what time you coming back?"

-- "I have to go to a meet ... I'm not umm ...--"

And with that she released her foot, jumped into the lift and shouted back a "Do it quickly, eh?" and was gone. I didn't see her give me a thumbs up, but I felt it sear into the back of my neck.

Maria was off-line all day and not responding to my phone calls or sms. 5 hours later I still hadn't received that email from her.

By 4.30pm I eventually got hold of her. I asked where she had been:

Me: "Where have you been today Maria?"

Maria: "What Mr Anthony?"

Me: "Where have you been? I was looking for you."

Maria: [pause] "Now just come from toilet."

It's incontrovertible, right? But I persisted ...

Me: "I've been looking for you all day."

There is a long pause. I felt myself receiving a warm hug from a false sense of accomplishment. Then this.

Maria: "Because ... I'm looking for the ... your relocation. So I leave my laptop so i'm signed out from computer. They say give me this, and give me that, but until now I cannot get anything from them. First they ask i have to wait. then they say they will service someone then no one calls for 2 weeks. then they asked me to give screenshot."

Incontrovertible again.

There is very little work value coming from Maria. Clearly I'm in the hands of a professional and it's time to give up.

My only option is to bite my bottom lip and approach her about a potential role in her sly grog racket. Stay tuned.