But How Do You Make Her Stay? And Listen To All You Say?

Friday Prayer (followed by lunch) is an important weekly event. The Prayer and the Lunch support each other in some sort of symbiotic time wasting relationship. The two are inseparable, which is why I call itPrayerFollowedByLunch.

I have already learnt not to schedule meetings during this period. I have also learnt not to rely on Maria for anything on a Friday afternoon. She may not be Muslim but she certainly avails herself of Islam's benefits.

If I need to do anything at this time I make sure it's not with locals. I have blocked time out from my calendar every week to ensure that I don't forget.

In other news ...

This month we have had a lot of people in the office, visiting from different countries. Most of them are working with me and they don't always have access to book our local meeting rooms or conference calls. I asked Maria to help certain people. Then over the last couple of weeks she expanded this catchment area. Maria is even offering her booking service to many of the self-sufficient local people as well; I don't know why.

For some reason Maria makes all these bookings under my name. She has access to my calendar so has decided to use it liberally. This means that *I* receive emails from people all around the world, asking if I can reschedule this or that call or giving reasons why they will or won't attend or asking me what the meeting is about and why they are invited. You gotta hand it to Maria ... ask her for a favour and the punishment is both swift and creative.

I've asked Maria to stop booking them under my name - to user her own name and and on whose behalf. This means that any questions will be emailed to Maria and not me. She promises she will do that, then seems to put the phone down and return to my calendar for more bookings.

Last Friday there was also a problem with my calendar and things were disappearing. Maria had booked a big meeting under my name but many people didn't receive the invitation.

I knew nothing of this until someone who sits nearby me said: "Hey Anthony - are you running the Friday prayer from now on?"\

To provde that this was my calendar's fault, and not hers, Maria sent a screenshot of my calendar to everyone in the group. For reasons of privacy Maria decided to block out details of my remaining meetings, except for one.

This is what she sent to a large group of people that I mostly did not know:

It came with an explanation which read "As you can see from Mr Anthony's calender, this meeting does not appear anywhere".

Of all the things to leave unblocked, why keep the one that makes me look ridiculous? The only think I can be sure of is that this was not deliberate.

I wrote her the following email:

Maria

Please don't send my calendar to people without my permission.

If I want people to have access, I will give it to them.

Thanks

Anthony

I didn't get a response but later we crossed paths in the lift area. She was leaving work for the day and (for whatever reason) dragging a large wheelie bag behind her. I greeted her as we walked past:

A: "Good night Maria. Have a nice weekend."

She turned around, stopped, smiled and said

M: "Mr Anthony your calendar has a problem."

A: "Yes I know. But please don't send copies of my calendar to people."

M: "But then if saying they didn't receive the invitation so I wanting to show them it isn't even in your calendar even when it was before so then the calendar is wrong and they don't think it's another thing."

I felt the swish of bullets as they whistled past my ears.

A: "Next time just tell them there is a problem ... no need for evidence. This is not a court room."

She nodded, quite satisfied with this. At the same time one of the other secretaries walked passed with a friendy "Maria! What is this bag? Where are you going? Somewhere?"

Maria's reply was a curt "Nowhere. Bye"

And with that she waved a perfunctory farewell to the Chairman of Fridayprayerfollowedbylunch, swivelled around on a heel and rattled off towards the exit.

I believe that she was going nowhere. I think the bag is what she uses to haul her sly grog.

And I Never Know Exactly Where I Am

Today Maria approached me and asked if she could have my passport.

This is the 3rd time in the last 4 weeks that she's asked for it. I reminded her that 2 weeks ago she had scanned a full copy of it. So why did she need it again?

Her answer was a bit confounding: something to do with copies or extra pages or something and the embassy was mentioned but I'm not sure which one. I suspected that I was being glamoured, so I just handed it over to save us both the effort.

She was pleased as punch as she skipped off with it.

Something's up, that's for sure. My money's on identity fraud.

How Do You Make Her Stay And Listen To What You Say

For more than a week I have been trying to meet with Maria to understand why she still hasn't done my expenses. Today the meeting was held.

We finally locked in a time this afternoon. Maria arrived at my desk, looking pleased as she annonced that everything was completed and it just needed my approval to submit.

Me: "Let me log in and check it all now, before you go."

Maria: "OK."

Me: "Wow - this is a really slow connection."

Maria: "Yes that's why it took me 2 weeks because it's slow and ..."

Me: "I meant 5 minutes slow, not 2 weeks slow. And actually it's been more than—"

Maria: "... and also gets a connection error. Wait. You'll see."

Me: "Oh! Yeah. Why is that ...?"

So that shut me up quicker than a punch in the mouth. I pressed the button again and it went through but by then the moment was lost.

I needed to rely on memory when I checked the items as I don't keep copies of expenses (no comments please Cheesel). She had missed out a lot of information.

Me: "Maria I've been to Malaysia twice but there's only one trip here."

Maria: "Yes that's what I was confused about. Why you had 2 air tickets."

Me: "One was in May and one was in June. Anyway next time you're confused you should call me and ask me. Please don't just do nothing."

Maria: "Huh?"

Me: "Nothing."

Me: "But anyway these are really late now."

Maria: "Yes I know. The system is very slow."

Me: "What about my flight from Vietnam? Where is that?"

Maria: "Oh—I don't—Didn't—You should have ... OK I'll add that."

Me: "And there are no per diems entered anywhere."

Maria: "You want I put in per diems?"

Me: "Yes. I'm entitled to them and you need to include them - always."

Maria: "Sure. You're welcome"

Me: "I didn't actually ... never mind. So when can you finish these? I want to check them again before they are submitted."

Maria: "Before I go home."

Me: "OK then I'll —"

Maria: "—or before tomorrow lunch"

Me: "Oh. So when then?"

Maria: "Today or tomorrow lunch."

Me: "So before you go home please tell me what you have finished and I will check it. Then tomorrow lunch time I will check the rest"

Maria: "OK Mr Anthony. Bye."

Me: "Hey Maria - sorry. Umm ... wait please. What's this? This says I had a taxi ride in Vietnam that cost me $300,000 USD."

Maria: [laughs briefly, then reverts to a bored, non-plussed look] "Oh so I put USD. It should be local currency actually."

That girl could be my ticket outta here after all. I hope handcuffs are not involved.

Catch A Cloud And Pin It Down

I often bump into Maria while I'm en route to somewhere else.

My somewhere elses are not supposed to be on Maria's route - yet I often spot her nearby, chatting or eating. I think it's called Hanging Around.

This morning I realised how she gets away with it.

Maria uses some kind of smoke machine technique. She must crank it up the moment she sees me coming around the corner. By the time I get close to her, I'm so busy wondering where all this fog came from that I forget to ask what she's doing in it.

Like most brilliant techniques, The Maria Method is also very simple:

1. Get to him first. Don't give the boss an opportunity to ask you any questions. Make sure you're the first to speak.

2. Generate urgency. Notify him of a situation where you need urgent answers from him.

3. Make it all his fault. Find something that he hasn't done.

4. Imply that he's interrupted you, and head off in a rush.

5. When things are really dire, give him the thumbs up as you scurry off.

Her method loiters on that lazy end of the productivity curve, where regulars puff away on cigarettes they've scabbed off single mothers. Ergo Maria excels at it.

What does this look like in action? This morning was a perfect example.

Maria took 2 days leave last week without notice. This morning I tried to find her from 8.30 onwards to no avail. I headed out at 10:30 for a meeting. As I my lift opened at the ground floor, we crossed paths. She had her tote bag over her shoulder was clearly just arriving for work. I instinctively checked her bag for signs of bootleg.

In an instant, Maria deftly stuck her left foot out to hold the doors, while at the same time awkwardly twisting her body to look back at me. This was a contortion designed to look at once uncomfortable, yet dedicated (touché indeed):

"Mr Anthony!"

-- "Hi Maria. How are you?"

"Good good but yes about your expenses and everything there I have now done them but I need you to check quickly before submitting ..."

-- "But you didn't send them to me to review? "

"Yes yes - I'll send again [lie] and you check OK?"

-- "They were supposed to be finished last Wednesday."

"I know! So a quick review from you is better OK? I want to finish all today so what time you coming back?"

-- "I have to go to a meet ... I'm not umm ...--"

And with that she released her foot, jumped into the lift and shouted back a "Do it quickly, eh?" and was gone. I didn't see her give me a thumbs up, but I felt it sear into the back of my neck.

Maria was off-line all day and not responding to my phone calls or sms. 5 hours later I still hadn't received that email from her.

By 4.30pm I eventually got hold of her. I asked where she had been:

Me: "Where have you been today Maria?"

Maria: "What Mr Anthony?"

Me: "Where have you been? I was looking for you."

Maria: [pause] "Now just come from toilet."

It's incontrovertible, right? But I persisted ...

Me: "I've been looking for you all day."

There is a long pause. I felt myself receiving a warm hug from a false sense of accomplishment. Then this.

Maria: "Because ... I'm looking for the ... your relocation. So I leave my laptop so i'm signed out from computer. They say give me this, and give me that, but until now I cannot get anything from them. First they ask i have to wait. then they say they will service someone then no one calls for 2 weeks. then they asked me to give screenshot."

Incontrovertible again.

There is very little work value coming from Maria. Clearly I'm in the hands of a professional and it's time to give up.

My only option is to bite my bottom lip and approach her about a potential role in her sly grog racket. Stay tuned.

She'd Outpester Any Pest

Indonesians are very friendly, even in the office. I often have people drop by my desk for a chat - whether I've met them before or not. As the only white person permanently stationed here, everyone knows who I am. Sometimes they sit down and ask me where I'm from, whether I'm married and if I've had lunch yet. In that order.

For those who know me, we talk about various other things. Here is an example today:

Me: "Hi H - how are you?"

H: "Anthony hey! [there is always excited surprise] You know we're not having this meeting any more on Tuesday. [sits down next to me] They've changed management or somethinglikethat and the VP no longer has this project on his KPIs or somethinglikethat so not interested to meet.

Me: "OK. Well let's keep trying though. Just have dinner with him or something."

H: "Sure thing. Hey by the way have you lost weight?"

Me: "I don't think so."

H: "You look like it [looks me up and down] ... in your face maybe?"

Me: "I think it's probably my haircut. Whenever I get my hair cut people think I've lost weight. I drink too much to be skinny."

H: "Yeah maybe. I never drink. Do you drink every weekend? Or every day?"

Me: "More like every weekend. It's too expensive here in Indonesia to drink every day. Why don't you drink? Is it because of religion?

H: "Not really. More cultural I think. None of my friend drinks. [sic] So what about Vietnam? Is it expensive there? [tone of voice is excited surprise again]

Me: "No - it's cheap. About 1/3 of the price of here."

H: "Yeah? Hey Anthony you know Maria?"

Me: "Maria?"

H: "Yeah - Maria W. Maria who used to sit there [points] and then she moved to the 18th floor."

[At that point I realise it's *my* Maria but do not let on.]

Me: "Yes yes I know her."

H: "Well she came up to me the other day and said 'Hey H - I have a friend who sells alcohol cheap - you wanna buy some?' but I said no, because I never drink anything but maybe you could ask her?"

Me: "She asked you what? She has a friend? What do you mean?"

H: "Yeah ... I don't know. Maybe she knows people and they don't pay the tax or something. But you should ask her hey? She says very cheap."

Me: "Thanks for the tip."

So now I know what Maria is doing instead of arranging my phone or managing my expenses. She is bootlegging sly grog to her muslim coworkers. That girl never ceases to impress.

A Will O' The Wisp

New good things about Maria:

Example 1: bribery tips

Maria: "Mr Anthony here is your new Police card."

Me: "What's it for?"

Maria: "You have to carry it with you."

Me: "Why?"

Maria: "In case Police stop you and ask for it."

Me: "Why would they do that?"

Maria: "Just put it in your wallet ok?"

Me: "There's no room in my wallet for another card. Also , I need this card for my residency so I don't want to lose it. Why would they stop me? Like ... when I am drink driving?"

Maria: "Yes. Maybe."

Me: "Then I can just bribe them when I'm drink driving? I don't need to carry this card. I'll just give them money?"

Maria: "No more than 100 thousand, ok?" [It's about $10]

Me: "No more than 100 thousand? For drink driving?"

Maria: "Drink driving or other things. 100 is enough. No more."

Me: "Thanks for the tip."

Maria: "Yep."

Then she turned on a dime and was gone.

Example 2: Dehors

Maria doesn't like being at her desk. This means she will happily do any errand to avoid it - pay bills, top-up my phone, buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning, get me something for lunch. I find this far more useful than booking meeting rooms and conference calls.

At 11:30am today she went for her usual 15 mins Friday prayer-followed-by-lunch. Maria's Friday lunch typically lasts between 2 hours and forever, depending on how many cigarettes she wants to cram into it. I try not to need her on Friday afternoons but at 1:45pm today I needed to call her back for an errand I didn't have time for.

I sent her straight back out to buy phone credit and she reacted as if I had asked her to take the rest of the afternoon off. Which I suppose I had.

How Do You Solve A Problem

Maria is helping me get a postpaid phone number.

Just like in Vietnam, it requires an enormous amount of paperwork including full copy of passport (all pages), mother's maiden name (slutface), etc.

After a strong nudge, Maria filled out as much as she could and came to my desk to guide me in the remaining areas.

Me: "Religion? What should I put?"

Maria: [laughs] "Something. I don't know. Just put Christian."

Me: "Really? Isn't religion like Catholic or protestant or something?"

Maria: "Christian. It's stupid. No one cares."

I didn't bother clarifying whether Maria considered the question itself to be stupid, or the Christian.

The next section was Marital Status, which I loved because there were only 2 options:

1. "Married"

2. "Not Yet Married"

Finally we got to hobbies.

Me: "Hobbies? They want to know my hobbies?"

Maria: "Yeah. Just write 'hanging around'"

Which I did.

It was only later that I realised she may have been trying to insult me. Other secretaries would suggest that I may like golf. Or swimming. Or reading.

Not mine though. Maria seems to feel that the most her yet-to-be-married christian boss could amount to in his spare time is to hang around.

And she's kinda right. Ok mostly right. OK right.

I like her pluck.

Maria Non Sequitur Number 1

For the last 3 hours, Maria has been wandering around the office with a bright lime green polyester handbag. I think she's trying to sell it because she held it up to me and asked if I'd pay 30,000 for it (about $3).

As I walked to my meeting room and saw her sitting in a pod, still clutching the green bag but surrounded by young men. They were all distracted from their work and chatting away in Indonesian

As I walked away I heard the word "Anthony" followed by a lot of laughter. A lot.

"This can't be a good sign," I thought to myself, so I turned around and said in perfect Indonesian slang "Hey - I understand what you're saying."

But I didn't understand. This is just a phrase I rehearsed to help me fit in. Fucking backfired.