Our latest initiatives have been branded "Diversity 3.0". [Fuck you, iSnack]
The whole concept of diversity started with women's equality... important issues like equal pay, maternity leave and sexual harrassment. Diversity now covers other issues like race, religion, sexuality, disability etc.
In Vietnam we have a Diversity Leader and she's been busy putting her own stamp on things. This is her modus operandi:
1. Set up special email groups for women and men. Call it "Ladies" and "Gentlemen" to remind us of former times.
[The Good Ole Days.]
2. Make sure you Cc: the Gentlemen on your email. They have a right to know what the women in the office are up to.
[No good, of course.]
3. Make the subject of the email enticing. Yet ambiguous. Refer to a "brand" like it's a good thing. "Brand" has such a wonderful ring to it ... your image as perceived by the outside world ... the core values of your product ... the position you hold in the market ... or in this case it's a permanent mark seared onto your arse with a hot poker.
[That dark, black mark of womanhood.]
4. Take a swipe at men. All men. Because they deserve it. Keeps them in their place.
[Motivates the men to do the same to women.]
5. Get all the Ladies into the one room to focus on issues which are important to women. In some countries it is maternity issues. In others it's managing stereotypes. Some even still focus on sexual harrassment. For the Vietnamese Lady, it's:
a) Time management. Women are clearly terrible time managers, what with the babies and the boobies. All that time putting on make-up. And they get emotional too, right, which makes them so easily flustered when deadlines are looming.
b) Cooking. Teach the bitch to cook a fucking pizza. Nuff said.
[Can't cook a pizza, your husband will start to wander to other ladies' ovens.]
6. Invite your male colleagues into the room to judge your new cooking skills.
[Actually I'm starting to feel a bit woozy as I right this ... I can't quite believe it myself.]
7. Tell a little joke about having anti-nausea medication ("Berberin") on hand in case the silly bitches can't even manage their time well enough to cook a fucking pizza properly. This also balances the anti-male joke at the beginning of the email; turning on women. All women. Because they deserve it. Keeps them in their place.
[Motivates Women to do the same to men.]
To: Ladies
Cc: Gentlemen
Subject: Diversity to Making a better BRAND YOU!
Ladies,
There is a wise saying from a lady (men can't say such wise thing):
"We are CEOs of our own companies: ME Inc. To be happy in life and successful in career, our critical job is to be chief marketing officer for the brand called YOU".
So let's make an investment in the most important person to you: Yourself. Make your brand special, shining, and desirable. Let's impress the surroundings!
Our Vietnam Diversity Group will be organizing a number of activities to help you be a better you, to help you brand yourself as a truly unique company successful and happy woman. However you must play a big part in it. The first activity starts this Friday, 6 Nov from 4:00 to 7:30 at Hanoi Room with:
1. How to effectively manage our time: Roundtable (Facilitated by Ms. Quyen Tran Thi)
2. How to make Italian pizza (instructed by Sua Tham Chef)
Gentlemen: You are invited to taste our office-home-made authentic, delicious, fresh hot pizzas at Hanoi room at about 6:30PM.
Berberin is available at first aid box.
Warm regards,
Nguyen Trang Mai
Diversity Lead
I'm living in a 1950's tv commercial, aren't I?
A trustworthy man in a flannel grey suit is about to walk in ... any moment now ... to highlight the scientifically proven benefits of smoking.
