Brace Yourself

In a developing country like Indonesia – whose economy collapsed after the Asian currency crisis of 1998 – orthodontic services were in short (or no) supply until recently and the rich would have sent their children overseas for braces. As they still do for education.

Most families find it hard to afford orthodontists and their children have to go without. Luckily Indonesians have pretty good dental hygeine and nice teeth, especially compared with the rest of Asia.

It is increasingly common to see adults wearing dental braces and many a Jakartan smile is adorned with a row of metal.

Arief is the boyfriend of someone I know. I have only met him a few times but last Saturday I noticed his braces had been removed and mentioned it to him. He smiled back through a row of perfect white teeth.

"Congratulations." I said.

At that point someone whispered that the braces had not been for straightening hsi teeth; that they were purely cosmetic. 

So I asked him:

"Did you need braces for your teeth?"

-- "No. Accessories only."

"Accessories? REALLY ...?"

-- "Yes."

"Why"

-- "Fashion."

"How long did you have them?"

-- "6 months"

It has become fahionable to wear dental braces, real dental braces which applied by an orthodontist but without any tightening bands. This luxury, unuttainable to many, carries social status.

It's fashion, Jim, but not as we know it.

It may sound strange but judge ye not: there are many worse crimes being committed in the name of fashion. Like selling your kidney for an iPad 2. Or carrying a dog around in a Fendi Baguette. 

Algunas Fotos Recientes - Las Compras

1. Chicken Caesar Salad, Mad For Garlic restaurant, Grand Indonesia

Indonesians love salad dressing. They fucking love it. Some of the salads are best described as "served soupingly".

This afternoon I did my best to get through the Signature Caesar at Mad for Garlic.

The dish won.

2. Bikes For Rent, Kota

I don't understand why they pair a summer hat with each rental bike, but I like it.

I also like it when the punters wear these hats as they ride the bike.

Nits and all.

3. Cocktail Menu, Bibliotheque

I remember the days when a Californian Mother Fucker was the cheapest bitch on the menu.

I don't know why they jacked up the prices but I blame Governor Schwarzenegger.

4. Laden With Stories, Traffic lights, Jalan Sisingamangaraja, Jakarta

This, a couple of days after the assassination.

NowI regret not buying it. I would have whited out the "ING" added a comma after "UP" and a couple of exclamation marks after "LADEN".

5. Save The Women And Children.

... for dessert.

This dish is known colloquially as "The Sharon Tate".

6. Wandering Around Ranch Market, Basement Level, Plaza Indonesia

Australia's Finest

No one in Australia has ever heard of this product.

Comme un poisson hors de l'eau

These little guys live between the pasta aisle and the yoghurt fridge and seem to be screaming "let me out".

By way of contrast ...
These little fellas seem much more content in the afterlife.

It's nice to see entrails finding happiness in death, considering the things they are asked to do in life.

7. Please Tell Me Which Honey Bread Am I - eX Mall

The only legend here is that this scary dish is considered "Jakarta's Best Dessert".

I don't know what this Honey Bread looks like. Or if it even exists. I have never seen someone eat in there. Perhaps it's a myth. Or some kind of um legend. Get it now.

8. Sticker Lifter, Home-Fix The D.I.Y Store, Plaza Indonesia

There is nothing remarkable about this plastic lever, except that it removes stickers from things.

Oh. And it kills people.

Judging by the DANGER warning, one can assume that someone, somewhere, was done in.

The doctor explaining it to the next of kin:

"He swallowed the sticker lifter and I'm afraid he didn't make it."

On the death certificate:

"Cause of Death: Sticker Lifter"

At the burial:
The family frantically using their fingernails to remove the sticker on the cheap tomb stone

At the inquest:
The judge orders the National Sticker Lifter Association to comply with strict new labelling regulations.

dari

conjunction: dari, daripada, kecuali

Mrs Brady

http://www.watoday.com.au/technology/security/elderly-woman-loses-life-savings-to-indian-scammers-20110607-1fpya.html?from=smh_ft

The only thing shocking about this article is that Edna, at 80, had access to $57,000. I mean ... look at her. Just look at her.

If she has $57,000 then of course she's a sitting duck. I could shake that thing down for cash in 2 minutes with some smelling salts and a bag of compliments. Quack quack.

Edna should be thankful that these "Indians" didn't come over and knock her out. Or off.

"Edna Sloan, 80, lost $57,000 to elaborate Indian scammers."

This caption underneath the photo is completely misleading:

1. It claims that Edna "lost" this money. This is not true. She didn't leave it on a bus. She didn't make choices on the ponies. She tossed it across the Indian Ocean like a hot potato.
2. It calls the Indian scammers "elaborate". There's nothing "elaborate" about telling Edna to keep her trap shut ... it's the oldest trick in the paedophile book. Moreover, Indian scammers should be ashamed of themselves for being a bunch of lazy amateurs with poor attention to detail. I mean ... Edna still has a large floral couch. And I see a microwave back there in the distance. A professional wouldn't have left a skerick. Elaborate my arse.
3. How do we even know that the scammers were Indian? It is tempting to blame Indian telemarketers for all ills, but doesn't it all sound a little clichéd? Dennis was too quick to point his grimy little index finger at India. I wonder if Edna's immediate family was properly questioned by the police? What's to stop Dennis from using an Indian accent to scam Edna out of a few grand? He knows the target ... her weak points ... and the old girl would have been so thrown by the accent that she wouldn't even notice an accidental "Mum" from time to time.
4. What are those documents she's holding? The transcripts of her bank transfers? Can't be. Look at the page on the top - it's not a bank transfer. Someone plopped some old bank statements into her hands for the photo shoot and Edna once again just did what some stranger told her to do.

I prefer this slogan:

"Edna Sloan gave $57,000 to her son Dennis, an Indian impersonator"

But most of all I am suspicious of Edna. By the age of 80, people are either very rich or financially fucked. Edna's hair clearly proves the latter. So where did this money come from? And why was it sitting in a bank, doing nothing? This is the type of geriatric selfishness that would force her own children to take what's theirs. Just as God intended.

Let this serve as a word of warning to Cheesel:

When this happens to you old girl - and you mark my words it will - don't expect to be left there sitting on a luxurious floral couch, entertaining the media (and me) in a dated white twin-set. There will be no couch and no microwave. And no documentary evidence.

You'll be left on a plastic stool, dressed in a ratty tracksuit, eating slops.

I can see it now.

No, I really can:

Cheesel, December 2009, Barbecue Restaurant, 47 Ma Mai, Hanoi

Sinking Ships

Here are some ads which are running on Indonesian television.

The first one shows a woman sitting in her comfortable, happy home talking about her comfortable, happy marriage. Call her Sharon.

Watch it first ...

iklan resik-v manjakani - take 1:

Ahem.

Apparently the translation goes something like this: after a couple of kids, the "lady muscles" aren't as elastic as they once were.

That's where vaginal tightening ointment comes in. 

The formula is simple. She knows that this impending marital friction will be her fault; or more accurately, her cunt's fault. Loose lips sink good marriages.

Queue ointment with acorn/hazelnut/Ferrero Roche hybrid as key ingredient.

As the animation shows - nay, proves - that her cervix has contracted back to a tidy V. The rubber proves that so has her vagina.

"Spoil yourself, spoil your husband" and the marriage is saved.

The product name translates to "treating rehearsal vagina", although I imagine "rehearsal" is slang for "lazy".

This next one shows Sharon boasting to her friends. I could spend hours watching the one who applaudes vigorously ...

iklan resik-v manjakani - take 2:

This next ad is more of a farmyard version. Gloria (a decidedly rougher version of Sharon) is ignored by her strapping, body-building husband. No doubt as to why.

He tries to chase tighter tail until she rubs in a bit of Treating Rehearsal Vagina and Voilà! Her cervix contracts while her hair and clothes are transformed as well. The hubby runs back to her arms, only to find that she's flirting with a 12 year old Hell's Angel. I image her womb is looking tidier as well but they didn't animating that, so no proof.

iklan resik-v manjakani - take 3:

This whole thing - the ointment, the adverts, the story - could only have been created by men. Then again, they say the only people who hate women more than men do, are other women.