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09 August 2010

Nanny Sequitur

My obsession with Nannies is not waning.

Here is a recent photo from the mall attached to my office. (The mall is attached, not the photo.)


This is a very common scene: most mothers meandre around malls with a uniformed nanny in tow. The nanny could be pushing the stroller or carrying the baby or just trailing a few steps behind the happy family.

In posher malls it's unusual to see young children without a nanny. Most will have one each. This is such the norm that I am starting to judge nicely dressed mothers who tend to their own kids. I am starting to scowl at them under my breath with a "What the hell do you think you're doing here without a Nanny?". Or more simply, "Fucking tight arse ...".

Last weekend I thought I spotted a nanny breast feeding but wasn't close enough to be sure. Like most things from 500 years ago, the idea of a wet nurse is gross. As are maggots in pubes.

Back to the nannies.

My objection to these nannyless mothers is somewhat Dian Fossey in nature. I understand that their motives are driven by money - or worse, love. I'm just concerned that the nanny race could become endangered.

I casually drop nanny references into regular conversation ... just to give things a kick. Last night I dunked a couple into the following conversation:

"So anyway ... nannies ... right ..."

-- "Why do you keep talking about nannies?"

"I don't know. I think I'm addicted. Bear with me."

-- "Mmm?"

"Have you ever actually seen one hit a kid? Did your nanny ever hit you?"

-- "No. Not personally."

"But it must happen. They look so bored and mean, looking after those spoilt kids."

-- "You saying I'm spoilt?"

"A bit. Did yours ever hit you?"

-- "Not that I remember. I doubt it."

"Is there ever any scandal about these nannies though? Like in the news?"

-- "Actually there are cases where they rent out the babies during the day to beggars."

Srsly.

There is nothing about this story that is not fantastic.

What's not to love about the idea of Indonesia's most indulged, privileged babies sneaking out with their nannies in the morning to play the Prince and the Pauper?

Here's how it happens. The mother leaves for a day at the spa (or whatever) and the nanny swings into action. Nanny heads off into town and cuts a deal some beggars' version of a pimp. The baby is removed from its cotton wool and re-clad in rags. It is then strapped to a fake mother and soon finds itself weaving through cars in bad traffic.

Your see these these beggars all the time, especially at traffic lights. They knock on your taxi window and shove the baby up to the glass, pleadingly.

I never give money to beggars with children - I don't want to contribute to these kids being out of school. Of course, I now have to reconsider this stance entirely.

The scam - like the nanny - usually comes unstuck when the parents start to notice their babies getting darker and weathered. Sometimes inexplicable rashes appear. Of course when the baby reaches for a pack of cigarettes it's ambiguous. Either way, they usually realise that their babies have been sporting something other than the cotton wool in their absence.

It seems like the perfect scam. Beggars are completely invisible to rich Indonesians. So are nannies. The mother would never recognise her baby even if it came knocking on the window, because she would pretend the knocking isn't happening.

I'd like to imagine that in these cases, the babies go a bit Method and mumble"Fucking tight arse" under their breath as they move on to the next car.