Night Three in Bangkok ...

... and off I went to Thai Boxing.

Yes, Muay Thai. มวยไทย.

I went there with J. He had already bought a ticket and I caved in to peer pressure. A lack of social alternatives can do strange things to a person ... just ask William Golding.

I hate violent sports but given I went to the girly bars on Wednesday night I thought ... well ... "what the hey". May as well scratch my arse and spit into the sawdust with the rest of them.

The ticket said that it started at 18:30. Luckily the hotel told us not to go until about 20:30 when the adults get into it. Until then, I think it starts at kindergarten and works its way up.

Needless to say we arrived at 20:15 and they still looked pretty young. (Actually the whole country looks pretty young.)

"Shut up!"

"No YOU shut up!"

"No. YOU. YOU shut up!"

"Mum! Muuuuummmm! Somchai just kicked me!"

"I did NOT!"

As soon as the bell sounds, though, they are completely nice to each other. There was a ring of sincerity (and maturity) about the way they smiles and patted each other on the back at the end of each round.

Fagin: "You'd like to make pocket handkerchiefs as easily as the Artful Dodger, wouldn't you my dear? "

Oliver Twist: "Yes, if you teach me sir."

Fagin: "We will, my dear, we will."

At the beginning of each fight there is a dance. Apparently this is for the fighters to pay respect to their teachers. If I taught boxing and my pupils came out and did this, I would be mortified:

Ummm. Excuse me? Do you work here? Which stadium is playing the fight? Oh. Are you sure?

If these were my students they would be in so much trouble. Embarrassed, even. I would be like "No! No! That's not what we practised at all!".

Like the Sydney Olympics Opening Ceremony, when Cathy Freeman lit the flame and it stalled on its way up to the cauldron.

I went out to check what this guy in the box was doing. I think it was a crossword. At least he wasn't smoking.

The worst part though? I actually, really, sincerely, wholeheartedly ...

Enjoyed it.

"Well you can tell by the way I use my walk"

I even enjoyed it when the blood came pissing out of the last guy's cheek. Maybe because. Maybe especially because. I don't know. I just liked it. It was fascinating and interesting and suspenseful. And violent. And I was a bit pissed by then.

"Mummy are two those men fighting?"

"Yes dear. Yes. Fighting. Now grab your bag we have to go. Quick!"

"But can't we stay to the end of this fight? You promised!"

"No. Hurry up. We're going to miss our train."

"But we don't catch a train."

"Don't talk back to your mother!"

Until then, I had no idea that's why they called it the ring.

Sweating the Small Stuff

Today was all sweat sweat sweat cough cough cough sweat sweat cough sweat.

A mini bout of flu, with some fever, and coughing, doesn't mix with 35 degree humidity. Nor does a chambray coloured shirt. I looked like the potato who just landed yesterday and hadn't gotten used to the humidity. All I was missing was a hooker and a fake Rolex.

I've had a pretty bad cold for a few days and a bit of fever. You say man cold; I say dengue fever.

Today I had a lot of presentations with the client, meaning walking up the road to various meetings in full suit and tie, in 35 degree humidity.

This is never good on a slight fever. It is even worse when you have to do hours of standing in front of people, waffling on confidently about something you don't know.

It is a lot of pressure to be flown into a country and be trotted out as the world expert in a subject that you didn't even know existed 48 hours ago.

I coughed and sweated my way through 3 presentations today. Each one was about 2 hours duration and I was the main presenter (meaning that I strut up to the front after a 5 minute intro and stay there).

Today, because of the heat and the fever, I didn't have time to cool down from the walk. I had to keep my suit jacket on during the presentation to cover the unsightly large patches of sweat on my shirt. This only made me hotter. Temperature, of course.

Because the World Expert was quite new to this topic and probably had less experience (but far better PowerPoint) than many people in the audience. So he had to really concentrate. And I really concentrated.

Notwithstanding all this focus, I still couldn't stifle a second narrative inside my head.

Imagine if someone really wanted to become a translator but didn't have language skills. One day they find themselves lying their way into a job as a film subtitler for, say, something obscure like Bulgarian. "Sure, I can speak Bulgarian" they said in the interview, desperate for a break. For whatever reason, their references aren't checked and they get the job.

When they get their first Bulgarian film to subtitle, they have to create another story that matches the visual on the screen. My second narrative today felt like I was that Bulgarian actor, whose words were being butchered.

My spoken word:

"The industry expectation of change has more than doubled since 2004."

The subtitles:

"Is that a bead sweat on my forehead? I wonder if I could brush it off discretely? Oh fuck I don't think I can. Hang on. Just turn to look at the screen and go to point at something. Brush past it on your way through."

Spoken:

"We are starting to see more focus on revenue growth and business model innovation. This will likely continue until 2012."

Subtitles.

"Oh fuck it really was a full bead of sweat! This is not going well. What if I break out and it starts running down my neck? Don't think about it. You'll only get your heart rate up and it will happen. Just concentrate on breathing slowly and not moving around too much."

Spoken:

"The highest impact to capital expenditure will come from the creation of new assets to enable informed and collaborative customer insights."

Subtitles:

"Oh no. There goes the neck. There's going to be a ring of sweat on my collar soon. Who's controlling the airconditioning here? Is it working at all? Is that a ceiling vent over there? Maybe I should see if it's blowing out any cool air. How can I get myself under it? OK so let me do a little walk-and-talk. I'll find a reason to walk to that whiteboard and draw something and go via the vent. If it's blowing, I'll go back to that spot when I'm finished on the whiteboard. Just draw a triangle on the board - don't worry the rest will come to you one the triangle's been committed. OK so let's go now ..."

Spoken:

"This creates 3 competing priorities for your organisation. The key is understanding how to balance them."

[Selects a green marker, it doesn't work, replaces it and picks a red one, this works, draws a triangle.]

"Firstly, there's the overall customer experience ..."

Subtitles:

"I don't think I felt any air coming out of it. I think it was cooler back at the other spot. Should I try to get back there before ... wait a minute. I think I'm cooling down. Maybe that Panadol has kicked in. Oh no now I need to cough again. When was the last time I coughed? Should I wait a bit? OK just try speaking in a low, even tone for a while and it might go away."

Spoken:

"A new, converged, competitive media and communications landscape is evolving."

Subtitles:

"That didn't work. I think I'll try a little cough now to clear the throat. I hope it doesn't open the flood gates. Where's the glass of water? Oh fuck it's back over there. How can I get back over there again? I know ... just start pacing and looking across at everyone from left to rightflood. [Cough cough cough cough]. Oh fuck that didn't go well at ALL! At least someone else just coughed in the audience as well. I might be starting something."

Spoken:

"Organisational restructure provides many benefits. However, if it is not timed effectively the benefits will become eroded."

Subtitled:

"Fuck I feel hot again. Oh no. Now I'm sweating at the front ... I think it's visible through the shirt again. [cough cough] Why did you wear the blue shirt today when you knew you would be presenting to these people? You shouldn't even wear it when you're not sick. [cough cough] OK time to do up the button on the suit jacket before I look like a complete mess. [cough] So now all the heat is going to bottle up and rise out the top. I must look terrible. I wonder where we're going for lunch today. I think I'm feeling a bit faint. What that dizzy or did the lights flicker? Oh no. Who's that fucker with his hand up?"

Spoken:

"That's an excellent question. Firstly, I would ask whether you consider your strategy to be cost driven or value driven. I'll be talking about these alternatives soon in the presentation. ... This next slide covers component business modelling to drive process transformation in large entreprises. It should answer your question quite well."

Subtitled:

"I have no idea how to answer this. Just put him off for a few slides ... he won't have the guts to ask it again later. Fuck there is a typo on this slide as well. I hope we don't go anywhere for lunch where they ask for our jackets. Because this one isn't moving. This is going to take a lot of toilet paper to dry me off."

Spoken:

"That concludes my presentation. Does anyone have any questions? I'm happy to share my experiences and point of view."

Subtitled:

"Keep a straight face when you say 'share my experiences'. If only they knew the truth. Please just please no one ask anything. Oh no ... shit ... who's that nerdy engineer looking guy with his hand up. This is going to be tricky ... fuck!"

I think you get the drift. Is there anyone out there who would envy this job?

Night Two In Bangkok ...

... and my pants are split. Thankfully it was the leg at the seam. I'm referring to it as a wardrobe malfunction.

... and I got electrocuted with a massive jolt up the arm. I jumped back and made a very odd sound in my throat. I guess I'm supposed to be all Zen now. Like Randle McMurphy.

... and when you book a wake-up call at the Four Seasons they do it personally, with a knock on the door. When you open it they hand you coffee.