Like a Duck to Potatoes

People who are as childish as me are constantly trying to learn swear words in other languages. It's what we do.

However, according to Vietnamese people there is no bad word for "foreigner". And trust me ... I have asked many, many people. 

Every time I ask someone - after much prodding and nodding - I am given a new expression. It usually takes ages to learn, during which time I have sent away for the results and had them returned "benign". It goes something like this:

"What's a really bad word for a foreigner? Not a nice word. Just a slang word. One that people use against foreigners. A really bad word?"

-- "We don't have any words like that."

"Oh. Come on. I won't be offended. You must have something. Please tell me."

-- "Oh ... I don't know - maybe we say Blah-di-blah-di-blah."

"Is that the worst?"

-- "Yes that is the worst."

"How do you say it?"

-- "Aâêsewm qdêồôneyemôyer"

[... time passes as I practise the pronunciation ...]

"What does Aâêsewm mean?"

-- "It means foreigner."

"What does qdêồôneyemôyer mean?"

-- "It means bad."

"Bad Foreigner?"

-- "Yes."

"You've just taught me to say 'Bad Foreigner'". 

-- "Yes."

Is that the worst word you could think of?"

-- "We don't hate foreigners. We don't have bad words like that."

The person above who taught me how to say Bad Foreigner also told me earlier that the Chinese are poisoning the Vietnamese food. We were mid meal and he came out with:

"You know the Chinese are poisoning the North Vietnamese?"

-- "I don't believe that."

"It's true. Especially here in the North. It's very well known. It is in the food. They are trying to poison the Vietnamese through the food."

-- "Oh well ... [raising the chopsticks to my mouth] . I'm not Vietnamese so I'm don't have to worry."

I find it a little hard to believe that in a country that suffered 6 wars spanning 43 years, 3 major subsequent guerrilla wars, 21 years of division based on western interference ... and over 5 million fatalities from genocide and suicide and homicide and pesticide ... that they haven't come up with one bad word for a foreigner? Bullshit they haven't.

We have many terrible racist words for Vietnamese people, and Asians in general, and I probably wouldn't admit to them either.

Nevertheless, I think Vietnam needs its own nigger. And I'm the potato for the job. I'm taking the word "potato" to the masses.  It's khoai tây and I don't know how to say it but it doesn't matter. Firstly, they love it. It requires no explanation or pronunciation corrections. Secondly, they remember it almost immediately and embrace the nuance of the meaning. Thirdly, it goes well with pejoratives. Beautiful potato doesn't sound right. Nor does thin potato. But fat potato is perfect. As is ugly potato, or old potato, or stupid potato. 

Indeed, we learnt a new word last Friday when it was paired with potato. I used the dropped the word khoai tây into normal speech. My colleague corrected me:

"Khoai tây thối."

--"Khoai tây ... what?"

"Thối.""

-- "Thối? What does thối mean?"

"Something that smells ... stinky. Stinky Potato. You are a Stinky Potato"

-- "Oh. Umm. Thanks"