Taken. TO the Cleaners, BY the Cleaners, FOR the Cleaners

I received a new email from my building manager, Hang Nga. The email’s subject pun was quite sweet, making the sting in her tail far more painful.

20 May 2009 23:17 Subject: Clearing up your queries

Dear Mr Anthony,

We would like to inform you that:

Ms Hao (your cleaner) has been your cleaner since you came and lived here.

We only favour you with these such as washing dishes, folding clothes in short time. However, If you want our cleaner to do these, you shall have to pay for these. And the charge is as reported in last time.

Many Thanks and best regards

Lake side garden

hang Nga

If I can be of any help, please contact to me.

Well, well well ... yes I do remember this “charge as reported last time”. It was $100 USD/month. And I refused to pay. And I suggested alternatives. But I guess it’s just easier to go back in time to the part where I have to pay money.

'That fucking two faced fucking Bich Ha!*', I mused.

I think the subject of her email should have been something like:

Subject: Maybe you thought you were up 15-30? Well Anthony I’m still fucking serving!

[Either way it’s now 30-All]

10 minutes later I received another email. So we're calling it “trouble” now? What am I - Northern Ireland?

20 May 2009 23:27 Subject: My opinion of your trouble

Dear Mr Anthony,

 I tell following idea in a private capacity (I tell myself, Not on behalf of Lake Side Garden)

 In my opinion, You should give your cleaner (Ms Hao) improved item(incentive bonus)instead you have to pay for small things such as washing dishes, folding clothes monthly. I guess that you do not have to pay that fee.

If you want, I can talk to her. However, If you do not want, Please count that I have never concerned with this matter. 

[Let. First Service.]

Thank you very much! 

Hang Nga

Well I'll be. I think Hang Nga has just turned double agent. And I think I like it. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, but I’m going with “caramel”.

Of course this threw me into a complete spin. I had no idea what to do with this late-landing development. After extensive consultation with R on merits and ethics I decided on the road most taken: bribery. 

In the absence of any experience we agreed it would be best to offer just under $25 USD/month, which is about half of what R pays for his cleaning..

Here is my email response back:

21 May 2009 00:50 Subject: My opinion of Re: My opinion of your trouble.

Dear Hang Nga

Thanks for your suggestions. This is very little work but what do you think if I left 400,000 VND for her on the table every month?

[30-40]

To which I received the following:

21 May 2009 16:08 Subject: Re: My opinion of Re: My opinion of your trouble.

Dear Mr Anthony,

If you want, I will tell to her. 400,000 every month, I think it is too much. You can reward less than

400,000vnd every month. However,it is great If you left 400,000 vnd for her. 

[Deuce]

Thank you. I shall tell to her on tomorrow morning.

[Ace!]   [Advantage Server!]

Thanks you and best regards

Hang Nga

Whoa whoa whoa whoooooooa there ... Hang Nga! 

Let me be clear: this all started with me not wanting to pay anything at all. Now you think I'm the one insisting on paying above market rates?  And while it’s not about the money ... it’s about being fair on all potatoes past and present. I will only be peeled so far.

I sent the following email:

21 May 2009 19:37 Subject: Re: My opinion of Re: My opinion of your trouble.

If it is too much then I will leave 300,000.

I don't want to pay too much - just a fair price.

[Deuce]

To which I received the following reply:’

21 May 2009 20:42 Subject: Re: My opinion of Re: My opinion of your trouble.

Dear Mr Anthony

It depends on you. I have prospected for view of some people. someone reward 300,000, others award 400,000 and some reward 500,000 to their cleaner.However, I think 300,000 or 350,000 is hightly appreciate.

[Advantage Server]

I shall talk to her about this in tomorrow morning.

On behalf of her, I thank you very much.

Have a nice trip!

Thank you and best regards

Hang Nga

Whoa whoa whoa whoooooooa there ... Hang Nga! 

Oh, so now I’m a scab???!!?! If you and your private thoughts know what I should have been paying, then why aren't you telling me?

At this point I imagine myself scuttling along the bribery sea bed, squinting through my darting beady eyes with my sour mouth and my 300,000 VND tightly grasped in my hand. I also have a forked tail.

Oh - and another thing - Hang Nga also knows I’ve gone away today. How does she know? I didn’t tell anyone.  The security guard must have told the cleaner who told someone who told someone who told her. 

This is some of grapevine and I think to myself,  'I bet everyone also knows I’m a scab.'

One last email to salvage my tarnished reputation. This time I added lowercase to appear groovy and skypey.

21 May 2009 20:45 Subject: Re: my opinion about your trouble

hi hang nga

i think 350,000 is fair then. i will leave this amount every month.

thanks for your assistance.

[Game to Ms Hang Nga! Ms Hang Nga leads 3 games to Love ...]

At this moment I imagine Hang Nga in a tennis dress, gulping on her Coke-branded water bottle before getting up from her chair to change ends.

21 May 2009 20:53 Subject: Re: my opinion about your trouble

Dear Mr Anthony,

Thank you very much

I shall talk to her.

have a nice trip!

Many thanks and best regards

Hang Nga

On balance, I should also see this as a win for me. Deep down, I think HN was guiding me away from her rip-off building owner and into a more suitable outcome for all.

It’s not always so easy to hit the right notes when you’re singing in the Key of Bribe … but I think this little birdy just found its voice. I'm going to buy people's love and friendship via a bribing campaign.

* There is someone in my company whose real name is Bich Ha. Regrettably (for her) she is also a bit of a Bich Ha. She occupies one of those anonymous admin jobs which you never knew existed until one day, it reaches up out of an email and bites you hard on the nose. I recently received one such introductory email from Bich Ha, where she highlighted some process violation which delayed me getting expenses paid. Something along the lines of saying I should have used cash and not used a card. A card is for hotels, not transport. So explain yourself and don’t you dare do it again. No it’s not documented anywhere but you should have known. I quickly settled matters with an apology which was both outwardly heartfelt and inwardly detached. From then on, R and I have used the term Bich Ha to refer to any person or admin event which is unnecessarily cold. Mostly it’s along the line of “I don’t even know what this email means – what a Bich Ha”.