What did you call me?

The first step in any foreign language it to learn its standard greeting: hola, bonjour, sawat-di kap and the like.

The most common greeting in Vietnamese has two words which roughly translate as "Hello, you".

The first word is Chàu. It is pronounced like Ciao in Italian and used in the same way (arrivals and departures), which makes it very easy to learn and remember.

Chàu also requires you to use a low tone … which makes it sound like you're slightly disappointed as you say it. This is the same tone of voice that you would use when arriving late to  a work function and realising that the only seat left is at the end of the table next to the most boring person. As I pronounce Chàu, I try to imagine myself desperately scanning for other empty chairs.

The second word is slowly destroying me.

There are many “you”s in Vietnam and the correct one must be selected at the beginning of a conversation, then used extensively from that point.

Selecting the correct “you” requires you to make assumptions about the other person. You must incorporate any differences in your ages, your genders, your personal histories, your social ranking, marital status, childbearing, personal preferences and even relationships that your friends or family may have with their friends or family. And you must make this decision in a few seconds.

This is an important word ... try having a conversation with someone and not using the word "you" in it ... 

Once the  pronouns are established, they will influence how you select many other pronouns such  as me, him, your, her etc.

Below is a consolidation of all the wonderful help and guidance I’ve received on this subject … supposedly to help me not make any more mistakes.

"Chàu Em"

Em is used to address a male or female who is younger than you ... which means more than 3 years younger. 

"… but how do I know if they're younger than me or not?"

-- "Don't worry. You just know. You know. You know? If you're not sure - then you ask them."

"Do you ever ask them?"

-- "No need. I always just know."

"But what if I can't tell?"

-- "You can tell. It's OK."

Once you've got an Em, he or she will also allocate a pronoun to you. This will be based on how much older they think you are and can be quite confronting.

The following exceptions apply:

a) People who are further down the food chain than you mus also be called Em, even when they're older. It keeps them in their place. You call a waitress or a taxi driver "Em" even if they are your age or older, "because they are not your equal". (Each time I apply this rule it is with apologetic shame written all over my face.)

b) If you are a man under 40, you should use Em for women who are your own age or even up to 3 years older. This will imply that they are still youthful. However, some women within this age range will find it condescending to be called Em. So don’t make this mistake of using (or not using) Em with the wrong woman. I am told that there is also nothing to worry about, though, because I will apparently find it easy to tell which situation suits which word. I am yet to find it easy.

c) When Em is used between two men, the Em  must be at least 5 years younger than you or  he will be insulted that you’re not treating him like a man. If he is more than 5 years younger than you, you cannot call him Em because that would be like implying he’s old and boring like his parents.

d) If the man is 5 years younger than you, but he is your client or your boss, you should not call him Em.

e) ... although sometimes your client or boss who 5 years younger than you will still want to be called Em. He will not tell you this explicity but don’t worry, because “you will just know” when this is the case.

f) If your client or boss is more than 12 years younger than you, you must  always use Em regardless of his or her role.

g) If a man and a woman are the same age but they are going out together, he calls her Em but she doesn’t call him Em.

h) Once you pass a certain age you “cannot” be referred to as Em by anyone. I have been told by some of my younger colleagues that my Em days are numbered. I am becoming disEmpowered.

i) You will always know how old someone is so should never worry.

"Chàu Chị"

Chị is a married woman just a little bit older than you or, on occasion, the same age as you or, in rare cases, even a little younger.

The following exceptions apply:

a)  Married women who are over 35 should probably be called Chị anyway … even if she is younger than you. 

b) Waitresses or cleaners must be downgraded to Em in nearly all cases, even if married.

c) If you address a woman who is within another group of women who are younger than her, you should address her as Chị and the others as Em.

d) You should use Chị if you are at work and the woman is younger than you, but is senior to you, but only if she is close to 30 and you are over 35 and you are sure she is married. Look for a ring to start with.

e) If the woman is over 35, even if she is married you may not use Chị if she has no children.

f) There are "many other situations" where  you "must use Chi”. You should not worry about these situations because you will “just know".

g) If you use it with the wrong woman she will be offended

h) If you don’t use it with the right woman she will be offended.

I have only achieved one confident “Chàu Chị” during my whole time in Vietnam. That is with the woman who runs the street stall near my house where I buy my breakfast. She seems quite responsive to this greeting so I use it extensively. Then again, I am paying her so she could possibly be a bit of a Chị ‘ho - she will Chị for cash.

When I used this with my secretary she said she was not a Chi to me, she was an Em. I thought we were the same age but she told me I am 5 years older than her and therefore it was completely unacceptable. I asked her how she knew I was older and she said she had checked the photocopy of my passport. Then she hit me and told me not to do it again.

"Chàu Anh"

Use Anh for a man who is anywhere from your own age, up to about 12  years older.

The following exceptions apply:

a) If you are a man greeting another man, take 5 years off his age.

b) If you are a woman who is greeting a man, add 5 years to his age.

c) With a waiter, taxi driver or security guard you must use Em unless he is at least 8 years older than you. This is to put him in his place. Apparently he will expect this and see it as friendly. But you can use Anh if he is more than 8 years older than you and this will be friendly. Break either of these conditions and it will be unfriendly.

d) If you are in a business meeting where you don’t know people you must greet all the men as Anh, except for the one serving coffee or adjusting the projector. These two must be completely ignored because greeting one of them will cause everyone in the room to stop what they are doing and look at you strangely ... including the one being greeted.

e) You may use Anh more freely if you are in a particularly good mood and wish to be friendly to someone who works in a department store or to the security guard of your building. However, if you try to be too friendly or misread how busy they are it will be extremely rude.

Say it like “ang”. But be careful because it is also the word for England. And food.

"Chau Cô"

This is an adult woman who is slightly younger than you but does not have children.

You may use it as long as she is not married, and  she is under 30, and you are at least 5 years older than her. 

But if she is significantly younger than you (whatever that means) you should use Em unless she is also a friend of the family. 

The following exceptions apply:

a) you may use it with any female teacher who is more than 5 years younger than you or up to 10 years older than you, as long as she doesn’t have children.

b) You can use Cô for a woman who is the same age as you, as long as it is a social setting, both of you are in your 20's and have only recently met.

d) You can use it your father's younger sister but not your mother's younger sister.

c) You should also use it for a woman who is your father's younger sister's age who you know well.

My podcast told me to use this for any woman who was your age or younger. When I checked this with people at work, they told me  it was entirely inappropriate.

"Chàu Bà"

Your grandmother, or someone as old as your grandmother. Also someone who is not as old as your grandmother  but is over 40 and deserving of respect. Also used to refer to a distinguished person, in writing.

In explicably, the Pimsleur Vietnamese Language podcast tells you to use this for all women that you don’t know. It’s quite a hospital pass because it’s considered to be quite insulting and in cases, tantamount to “Chàu Old Bag”

I’ve been in trouble for using this with the wrong person. I’m going to come up with a wrinkle count as a precondition for using this one.

Also means black sheep.

"Chàu Ông"

Your grandfather, or someone as old as your grandfather.

You’ve got to be careful with this one as the brain tends to remember it. This was the mistake I made with my 20-something cleaner a couple of weeks ago (the day my passport was put through the washing machine). As I was leaving the building I walked past her and smiled and said “Hello, Grandfather.” About 10 steps later I realized what I’d said and cringed.

"Chàu Ban"

This is for very close friends.

If you pronounce it slightly wrongly, it will sound like you are calling them your grandmother.

"Chàu Minh"

Only allowed to be used amongst high school students of any gender.

When graduation has taken place this word must be immediately replaced by Ban.

"Chàu Cháu"

These are two completely different words. The first word uses a low tone but the second word uses the low rising tone. Completely different, apparently, but I can’t hear it.

You use the second Cháu for your nieces or nephews

It is also suitable for your grandchildren if you had your children young and they also had their children young, leaving around 40 years difference in the ages. 

You may also use it with your friends' children as long as you went to school with your friend.

It may also be used for your cousins' children or your childrens' cousins (which I suppose are usually nieces or nephews).

"Chàu Mẹ"

Your biological mother.

"Chàu Cha"

Your biological father.

"Chàu Con"

Your child.

"Chàu Chú"

Your father's younger brother. Or someone you feel is like your father’s younger brother. It’s also applicable for a friend of the family who is as old as your father but maybe looks a bit younger. Or a formal greeting to a man who is only slightly younger than you but not quite Anh status.

"Chàu Thím"

Chú’s wife. Once you’ve Chú’d a man, you can Thím his wife.

"Chàu Chím"

Your father's younger brother's wife. Also the wife of someone as old as your father's wife who is also familiar to your family and can be treated as your aunt. 

If you are good friends, you will also use it for your friend's father's younger brother's wife.

Oh, and apparently it is used extensively and no one gets it wrong.

"Chàu Dì"

Your mother’s sister, or a friend of your mothers who is her same age. If you are within a 50km radius of Danang you can also use it to refer to your mother's younger sister but not to your mother’s friends who are the same age as her younger sister.

"Chàu Cậu"

Your mother’s brother, or a man as old as your mother who is a close friend. But if you’re in the north it should only be used for your mother’s younger brother. 

"Chàu Mợ"

Cậu’s wife – in all the above cases.

"Chàu Dượng"

The husband of Co or Di. Sometimes a stepfather. Or sugar. This seems to be the same word as sugar. And ocean. And mulberry.

"Chàu Bác"

The older sibling of either parent.

"Chàu Cụ/Cố"

Great Grandparent or someone else old enough to be nearly dead.

"Chàu Sơ"

Great great grandparent. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is also the word for corpse.

I mean ... for fuck's sake!

Anyway given all that, when I greet someone I say "Chau". Then freeze. Then mumble something nondescript. Then look away confused.