Tate-ology

Tater Tots

A Tater Tot is the young child of a potato. This toddler is under five years old and lives in a large house by the river with two parents, a maid, a nanny and no discipline. The TT usually has a dirty face, stringy blonde hair and demeaning clothing. A female TT will nearly always be wearing an ugly dress; threadbare gingham is not uncommon.

Unlike its western counterparts, the TT tends to be very well behaved in public, although good parenting plays no part in this. The excessive heat and humidity in South East Asia becomes a most effective babysitter, by stripping the TT of all its energy and playfulness. As a result, the TT will sport a bored look on its face even when the occasion providers for proximity to other TTs, or sugar.

Potato Chips

Potato Chips are typically aged between 5 and 12. During this period, the chip develops a sense of superiority to mirror that its parents ... the chip never falls far from the bag. Typical behaviour includes rude commands to waiters, eye rolling at taxi drivers and refusals to ever attempt the local language (even for a "thank you:).

Tater Teens

I will use this term until I think of something better.

Sage Potato

This potato has access to information that is normally kept from other potatoes, eg the real price for mangoes, or when the police are due to arrive at the pub, or who is getting the sack tomorrow for rejecting her boss's sexual advances (an actual example).

Sage potatoes usually store a raincoat under the seat of their motorbike, know exactly how to use it and exactly when to pull it out. They handle street names and historical facts with equal aplomb.

The Sage Potato is never on an Atkins Diet ... it must be surrounded by other potatoes in order to demonstrate superior local knowledge in great detail. No nauseatingly smug stone is left unturned.

Exaggeration is not uncommon, eg adding casualties to an otherwise normal motorbike accident observed on the way to work.

A male sage potato is normally found playing soccer on Saturday afternoon with a local team. Female sage potatoes are typically found volunteering at hospitals.

Tate Modern

A yuppie potato who supports the local contemporary art scene.

The Tate Modern is quite partial to suffering: works by artists who are missing a limb or a spouse receive high praise indeed.