The Humble Potato

If you want to learn a foreign language you need to do a lot of guessing. In the beginning, it's easier to understand than to can speak. Understanding requires less words.

You don’t need to catch every word. You don’t even need to catch every sentence. You just need to gather enough evidence to reconstruct the events for yourself.

Native speakers can comfortably hear (and use) each of the words in a sentence: they can even play around with them. The rest of us spend our time trawling for key words, fishing them out, then placing them back into a meaningful sentence of our own.

Here in Vietnam I still need to use English throughout much of my day. I also need to adjust my language appropriately so that I can be easily understood, eg:

“Please … lemon juice … one.”

Even at work, where English proficiency is mandatory, I make adjustments to enable efficient communication, eg:

“Deadline … tomorrow … OK?”

This is not unusual: we all do this in a foreign country. It’s ignorant to expect them to follow your natural speech. On the other hand, it’s condescending to talk to them like they're morons (Edwina facial expressions being a prime example of the latter). These traps are easily avoided though. There’s plenty of room between ignorant and condescending ... it’s just a matter of knowing where you’re allowed to play.

(I do realise that technically I'm the foreigner in the above example ... but big whoop.)

Broken English is bloody difficult to master and mine has come a long way in a short time. I would now probably now call myself fluent. After a few months here I have slowed down and stripped out many colloquialisms, idioms, big words, games, mumbles and puns. ]I know the words to leave in, which ones to emphasise and the best word order. I can even translate for new potatoes without them feeling inadequate or bulldozed (ones needs to be very discreet, while remaining discrete).

I have added some new words, too. I no longer get back to you, I "revert". A friendly but firm "stop" works much better than "would you mind pulling over here" and "I haven't finished my order yet".

Certain words are much more likely to be understood on the first attempt:

- It is better to “google” something than to “look it up”.

- Questions which begin with “What time” outrank those which begin with “When”. Statements which suggest the time are even more effective.

- Jokes (which are kept to a minimum) must include a childish sight gag or an immature sexual innuendo. They don't need to be funny.

- Exclaiming "Bingo!" (with both thumbs up) continues to be very well received.

But all this is not enough. I also assemble my (unhurried) speech into clusters of words, with pauses between them. I keep my facial expressions and hand signals respectfully in tow. I have a closet full of “humble foreigner” faces which can be worn to suit any occasion: Dopey Grin, Confused Toddler; Village Idiot and Overzealous Gratitude to name a few.

So here I am ... Mr Broken English. Where I go from here? Where does this little potato take these new skills? I have found somewhere but I don't think it has a name. I think I'll use Elsewhere for now.

Here in Elsewhere, the little potato has started adding other words back in. New words. Special words. Words which do not benefit the listener. These ones are for me.

I figured that because I now know how to identify and use the right key words for people ... I have the freedom to put any other words in the spaces arond them.

It started with Nancy. I started saying “Thanks Nancy” and “Hi Nancy” to people in service situations which involve English: mostly potato cafés, stores or restaurants. It’s perfectly harmless and the extra bit is never understood. It also doesn’t matter if the other preson is male or female. As far as they are concerned I could be saying “Thanks Heaps” … they get the “thanks” and ignore the unrecognised syllables that followed it. I haven’t stopped at Nancy, either. Sharon and Kevin get a run as well.

There is something satisfying about having a friendly young waitress put your coffee down in front of me, ask if there is anything else she can get me, only to have me respond with a “Nothing. Thank you, Kevin”. She smiles. I smile. Win win.

This technique is also useful when narrating a situation that’s not going so well. It’s venting, but without the venting.

“One soda water please? Thanks. That’s great. Do you mind touching the top of the straw with your grotty hands? Excellent. I think you missed a bit … nope. Got it. Thanks Kevin.”

Or being seated at a restaurant:

“Where? I Go there? The crap seat by the air conditioner? OK. Thanks.”

Or even subtlely at work:

“You want me to do it? Dump it on me? No problem. Thanks for flicking.”

Or when someone tries to rip me off:

“I know you’re peeling me.” and on departure, when they have succeeded ... “Thanks. Got peeled. Bye bye.”

I would like to think that this is far more sophisticated than Cheesel and me in Moscow, calling people fuckwits to their face and giggling behind their backs. This potato would like to think that he has now rolled far from that patch.

I'm finding that this little habit is now working its way onto forms and documents. For example:

- My Marital Status on my HSBC Account lists me as "Estranged yet Hopeful" (there was a lot of space beside the þOther box).

- After years of describing myself as an E N T E R T A I N E R, My Vietnamese Arrival and Departure Cards NOW state my occupation as "F A N C Y M A N" or more recently, "F A N C Y P A N T S".

Didn't we all, as kids, say that we grow up we want to be a Fireman, or a Nurse, or a Doctor or or a Fancypants? I certainly recall hearing Lisa say it at the pool.

I don't know why I'm doing all this but I see no signs of it abating. Although I do see signs of it ending in tears. Or arrest. Or cardiac arrest. Or Winter.