Do The White Thing

I'm in Jakarta this week to do a presentation to the board of directors of a large company. In this country of 231 million they can't find anyone as fantastic as me. So they spend a few thousand dollars on me fly here. I stay at the Grand Hyatt and have me speak to 15 executive for 20 minutes on something they are gagging to hear. What pearls. What wisdom. What wonderful me.

What? Wonderful?

Moi?

Last week I received 2 separate requests on the same topic, albeit from different sources:

22/02 from S:
"... [the client] keep mention to bring "caucasian" expert. Sorry, not try to be racist but the CIO said that the new Board now dominated by the "caucacian" especially the CFO."
Caucasian - tick.
Expert - cross.

So not just caucasian ... but the caucasian. The article puts quite a sting into it and adds an almost dehumanising quality.

23/02 from W:
"... [the client] also coached us that the "WHO" giving the message is as important as the message itself. He told us the profile of the ideal presenter: Caucasian, even better if a british citizen ..."
Tick. Cross.

So I've got 2 crosses against my name? Turns out it didn't matter. My skin colour pulled me through. Horray for my white skin! They asked me to come over "just in case we can't get anyone better". I'm not sure if these were the exact words used but that's how I remember it; though I'm pretty sure at one point they said "at least you're white".

In follow-up conversations, as we went through a list of potential candidates to support me, I heard things like "I know he's from NZ but his name sounds a bit Chinese - are you sure he's white?".

I'm also the only one who seems awkward with these conversations. When I say "I can't believe we're even having this conversation" and the people listening to me just smile politely. They're probably not even listening ... just sitting these waiting for The Caucasian to shut up so they can ring the maid to check she doesn't forget to buy fabric softener. Lemon.

Within 5 hours of arriving - via an overnight in Bangkok and an early Sunday flight to Jakarta - I was told they had pushed it back by a week ... did I mind staying an extra week and maybe we can find someone better in the meantime.

So we're still hunting for an upgrade. It ain't over until the fat lady sings and I'm not on until next Tuesday now.

Like any good Nazi, I have joined the throng. Within days I was saying things like "Do you think they'll take an Indian? He's worked in Europe." I'm no Schindler. I"m 17 going on 18.

I felt both white and underqualified as I walked into the Jakarta office on Monday morning. I blushed as I was greeted and thanked for coming over to do the presentation ... maybe out of embarrassment but probably in an attempt to appear less white. Srsly

Those fucking Indians and Chinese can do almost anything; the uppity fuckers. So it has proven difficult to find a suitable potato. I eventually tracked down an Irishman but he couldn't get here for another 14 days.

So it's back to me. I am going to rote learn a bunch of stuff I know nothing about, stand confidently in front of over-valued potatoes and ooze my white confidence. I'm thinking of stealing one of my bed sheets and working it into headwear. Something like this: