Apartment hunt

I think I've found an apartment that I want.

It's very central, in a shabby area with lots of noise around it. It's not as nice as the one that was above a gym but it's close to lots of restaurants. Oink oink.

Will be making an offer on it tomorrow. I'm "cutting a deal" in terms of penalties if I break the year lease. I want an option to bail if I'm unhappy. Of course, if they don't agree I have no choice but to take it anyway.

I'm trying to get it under $2k USD per month, so I have money left in my housing allowance to buy extra furniture or electricals. Or lollies. Oink.

B - I - NGO

About a week ago I had a meeting with someone who is normally very reserved and disagreeable. At least, she is with me. The issue was fairly complicated and after slowly going through it in detail, with a few laboured language struggles, she suggested a solution that I thought was spot on.

My response: "Bingo" (thumbs up).

Her response: Spontaneous laughter and a softening around the eyes.

I have since used "Bingo" a few times with different people, male and female , in each case receiving a positive response.

I feel like Alexander Fleming when he discovered penicillin: don't know why it works, but it does, so use it for everything. I likewise expect that people will soon build up resistance to my techniques. Until then, though, it's a sweet ride. Bingo makes everyone happy.

My new favourite language teacher

Trang is a local Vietnamese teacher. I think she's the one in the middle. Here are some highlights from her website.

Firstly I'm not sure what those other smiling Vietnamese people are doing in the picture. I'm not convinced these are her students. The girl in red does not look genuinely happy, either. Her right shoulder seems insincere to me.

Trang says:

Here is what one of my best students had to stay: "I particularly appreciated your energy and enthusiasm, which never waned, despite the fact that I have been such a disappointing student!!"

But what she really means is:

"Anyone can be broken, even my best students. Think about that before you try to ask me the same question twice."

Trang says:

Cost of Lessons? Negotiable, depends on how fast you want to learn.

But what she really means is:

"The more you pay, the more I try. Think about that before you try to negotiate an attractive rate for yourself."

Trang says:

Non-cash payment choices:

Paypal
Good: Fast and inexpensive. Free to set up accounts. Transfer is instantaneous. Paypal only charges the recipient a very small percentage on each payment.
Bad: Must be Paypal members. This should take only a few minutes for most U.S. residents, but it can take several weeks for others.
Western Union Money Transfer
Good: Available in more countries than Paypal. Transfer is instantaneous.
Bad: Must go to the Western Union retail office to receive your money. The sender is charged a significant fee. This fee depends on the office location.
Direct Deposit:
Good: Nothing to set up. Very convenient if our accounts are at the same bank.
Bad: If you cannot access a branch of the bank where I have my account, you will be charged the inter-bank wire transfer fee. This fee to be usually approximately $35 U.S. equivalents at most banks.

But what she really means:

"If you don't pay me cash, I'm going to make your life hell. Think about that before you try to pay with a card."

Aside from Vietnamese, Trang will teach me to tell the truth.

Linguistic observation of the day

The only difference between  "cunt" and "can't" is how long we hold the vowel sound in our mouths.

Next time a foreigner says "You cunt be serious", don't be offended.

Tragic assumption of the day

"So you speak English?"

-- "Yes of course."

"You laugh at my joke. So your English is very good.  So did you go to school not in Vietnam?"

How I love ya how I love ya

My dinner tonight was Swan and Bamboo Noodle Soup.

The swan was revolting. "Sinewy" comes to mind.

Dinner conversation

"Those fucking ball-breaking women in senior management positions don't need to be like that. Someone should have pulled them aside much earlier in their career and had a word with them."

"So then I see this bird and she's - like - 15 out of 10 you know? Her jeans were practically painted onto her."

"Do you follow cricket mate? No? How about golf? No? Rugby? Um. Oh. Just tennis then? That reminds me of a time I went to see Ana Kournikova play and we were so close you could see the beads of sweat running down her leg."

I may add more when I've recovered.

Who wants a Tung Bash?

I went looking for Mr Tung three times today: 8am, 10:30 and 18:30.

No sign. 

Each time I asked where he was. Each time no one knew.

Is this Vietnam's Nicky Webster?

Pacific Rort

I intend to meet this high achiever tomorrow and rate him myself.

If he cannot handle being put through his paces,  I am not above appealing.

For the record, Mr Tung:

• I, too, was working in an industrious-but-friendly manner at the Pacific Place building last month.
  

• I, too, like flowers.
  

• I, too, am the sort of person who would accept a silver Logie.
  

• I have never even seen you on the front desk, much less being nice to anyone.
  

NFAR

Pedestrian tip of the day

This from the Hilton mini guide to Hanoi:

"When crossing the road, walk slowly at a constant pace. Do not change pace or turn back."

It works.

Driving tip of the day

Do not ever, under any circumstances, hesitate to pull out into oncoming traffic. 

Say my name, say my name.

Nearly everyone in Vietnam has a first, middle and family name and, in keeping with the language, they are all single syllables. Vietnamese names are written in reverse order as well, eg Nguyen Long Quoc's first name is Quoc. 

I've been set up in the intranet with my name backwards.

So today I received a phone call which began:

"Hello? May I please speak with Murrell?"

-- Umm ... Murrell speaking.

Followed by an email which began:

"Dear Joe, Stephen, Jessica and Orgill ..."

Happy my surname is not Hogg. Or Cockburn,

Direct insults of the day

Edwina, my Australian colleague, is chatting with one of our Vietnamese clients.

Her speech is a combination of baby talk and eager-but-staccato-slow-to-the-point-of-condescending speech. I think she sees them as them as friendly natives.

A few quotes from her:

"So do you speak Chinese? Oh No? That's right, yes yes. Because the Chinese invaded you didn't they?

"Do you speak French? No? Well they were here, too, before, also. They stayed until you fought them - fighting them - and they run away." [I kid you not. At this point I was just sitting there, mouth agape, no longer typing my own document but typing out this dialogue in total shock.]

"But now you speak English very good, right? You learn English a long time? Even though you fight to get the Americans out. And you win and they have to leave? But you still learn English now."

"Everyone wants to move here to Vietnam and you need to fight them to go."

-- For fuck's sake, Edwina. 

Backhanded insult of the day

"You speak good English ... when you sing."

-- said by my Australian colleague, to one of the locals in our meeting, when he hummed a few notes from a song.

Oh, but what a journey it were, Pip!

"Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh."

-- Quentin Crisp

I have now been brushing my teeth in Hanoi tap water for 3 weeks with no ill consequences. This journey could go one of three ways: 

1) Using tap water to wash down my morning vitamins; or

2) Implementation of a similar initiative when I'm in Thailand; or

3) Old Lace (http://news.bio-medicine.org/biology-news-2/Northern-Vietnam-drinking-water-contains-dangerous-arsenic-levels-9565-1/)

Засада: the sequel

Well, I've received several more messages now and will be decrypting them over the weekend.

All I need now is to find an outfit that will blends nicely with the Siberian landscape.

Happy St Patrick's Day. Cheesel I hope it wasn't green undies again.

Hinterhalt

Засада, or "zasada", is the Russian word for ambush.

I can now say that I am being spied on by Russians and it's all very 70's Zhivago Cold War realness.

Yesterday some new people from the client's HQ in Moscow arrived, without warning, to run our project. In one day we have already received a bunch of vague questions and mixed messages and I'm yet to work out what they mean.

Last night when I was asked to attend a client meeting in hte evening. I arrived in the boardroom to see the Russian CEO, Russian CMO, Russian CIO, Russian COO, two Russian consultants and one Vietnamese local (clearly a double agent).

They sat me down in a central chair across from the CEO. He smiled, leaned forward and said "So, Tony, tell us how your workshops are going ...".  It was such a silly cliché but at the same time too scary to giggle about in the moment.

I leaned back and maintained eye contact. I resisted the urge to ask for a cigarette and a phone call. I tried to quickly guess his agenda and took a deep breath. I decided to take the "you probably think things arre not progressing well" assumption and launched into my spiel: "Well it's perfectly natural to feel a bit anxious at such an early stage of the project ...". 

Take your Засада and shove it up your arse, Boris.

Arriving back at the hotel

Being greeted by the uniformed Hilton Commissionaire as my colleague and i arrive at the hotel and he opens the taxi door for us:

-- "Good evening sir ... Oh ... You two don't look so good."

Dinner Fears

I'm sitting in a very boring workshop presentation behind a very boring colleague who is also Australian.

Oh no. Now she's taken off her shoes, hiked up her skirt and is sitting while hugging her knees to her chest. She's also interrupting questions to the presenter by providing her own answers in excruciatingly slow English that is more condescending than useful. Like yelling at deaf people.

We have a team dinner tonight and she contaminated the previous dinner by going through that day's work events again, and again, with obvious insights and inaccurate retellings, banal pontification and embellished-yet-still-dull anecdotes.

I live in dread.

Insight of the day: weight.

No matter how much I weigh, I will always be aiming to lose 5 kg while secretly hoping for 8. Fact.