Word back from Trang

"Hi Anthony!

"Thank you for enquiry. My normal fee for the beginner's level is $15USD per 2 hours (you get an extra 30 minutes for free) That breaks down to one hour of instruction and one hour of oral practice ..."

30 minutes free? So here's my breakdown. If I always get 30 mins free then I'm really paying $15 for 2½ hours, non? But then when she breaks it down, there's only one hour of this, and one hour of that. So 2 hours. What is going on in the other 30 minutes? 

Free? Let's not forget her website: "the more you pay, the faster you learn".

I have this image in my head of the lesson with Trang: she arrives at 10am and we have 2 hours of laughs, activities, tears (on my part) and cheers (on hers). Then, at midday, a hitherto-obscured alarm clock goes off. Trang stops mid sentence, turns the alarm clock off, sets it on the table between us and we both stare at it, silently, for 30 minutes. After 30 miutes which point she gets up, shakes my hand, I thank her and she leaves.

Moneyshot Girl

This was the title of the t-shirt I wore tonight. I think the slutty woman on it made my colleague quite intrigued. 

"Excuse me what means this moneyshot?"

I told him it was really nothing, which only bought me 10 minutes. Then it comes again:

"Moneyshot? What is?"

Me: "Not a good word. Don't type this into Google" ... then ... "Don't type this into Google using your work computer".

He was married 3 weeks ago but I don't think he's ready for this.

Cheesel: don't type this into Google. You won't like what you find.

cuckold the sequel

Let's just call it a "sub-optimal" outcome.

i'll give you cuckold, mate

I have accepted (but not signed) the apartment which is outside town.  I sent an sms to the agent saying I would take it, he confirmed the rate and conditions and I need to sign this afternoon.

So later this morning, I received an sms from another agent regarding an earlier enquiry I made on the web. So I have arranged to see another apartment at 12:30 today.

I am now playing the game. 

Of course, I expect the whole thing to blow up in my face.

apartment

I'm going to take the one that's a bit out of town, if they will accept short-term.

My waistline is not going in a good direction and this has a small gym downstairs. That's enough for now. 

Au revoir, gras.

I really think so

This on another website advertising Vietnamese lessons:

"You'll be surprised at how far a little Vietnamese will go." 

On what? A ham sandwich?

It actually reminds me of another scene from yesterday. One of Edwina's tales of derring-doo ended with:

"... and then all the little Vietnamese seemed quite OK with it ..." or something like that.

Me: "Little Vietnamese? Little, eh?

- "Well yes haven't you looked around?" [Stands up, flattens her hand and raises it to chin level] "Most of them probably only come up to here."

"Yes but the term is a bit condescending. I was hoping you'd stop using it, not explain it further with science."

It reminds me of a few days ago when I was saying how annoying I found one of the Russians we're working with. She started shaking her body going "Yes, it does get annoying doesn't it?" to which I replied "It's not his Parkinson's that I find annoying, it's his attitude." 

"OK but it is annoying too, right?"

-- "No. Please stop doing that. It's not funny."

"OK. Fair enough."

A new day, a new story

To sufferers of WAAD, it is not uncommon to interrupt any group conversation or meeting with a new anecdote. This just in:

"My son has taught his friends how to say 'I am tired and I want to go to bed' In Italian.

"So he and his friends say that in class and the teacher has no idea what they are saying ... cheeky bugger."

The apple is 18 and a first-year law student. And not rolling very far.

A new agent, a new day.

I'm off to see a 4-bed apartment now.  It's near the Truc Bach lake area but I fear it's too big, even taking into account my recent weight gain.

Breakfast conversation with my Vietnamese colleague:

"You should eat more. That is not enough."

Me: "No. It's enough. I am getting too fat eating all the time in the hotel."

"Oh. Yes. Fat. Probably this is enough."

Word Association Anecdote Disorder

That's the name of the disease my colleague has. Yesterday, as I was leaving the office: 

Me: "I'm off now. I'm not going straight to the hotel, though. So no point sharing a cab."

Her: "Where are you going?"

"Chemist"

-- "What are you getting?"

"Toothpaste"

-- "Oh. I got toothpaste just before I left Australia to come away here. It was on my shopping list for Coles. Toothpaste and shampoo. I always go to Coles just before I leave and toothpaste is always on the top of my list."

[So I try to pretend I didn't really hear the full story.]

"I went to Coles for Vegemite and Tim Tams and I forgot the Tim Tams."

-- "I got all my things just before I left. From Coles. I took a long list with me the night before."

[So I try to change the story.]

"Didn't you get a night flight?"

-- "Yes you're right. So I guess technically it was the day before I left. Not the night. Althought it was Thursday so everything is open late anyway, even in Lane Cove."

"So do you want me to get you anything at the chemist? Toothpaste?

-- "No thanks. Already got it. Not from the chemist, though. I got everything from Coles."

"Oh. OK. Bye then."

Toothpaste at Coles! That's not a fucking story. Maybe if she stole it. But she bought it ... from Coles ... I mean ... Coles ...

The toothpaste I eventually bought is called Germicheck. Which is why I bought it.

"How do you make a hormone?"

-- "Kick her in the cunt."

That joke will always be funny.

bait and switch

In consulting there is a phrase called "Bait and Switch", where the A Team (the "bait") is heavily involved in the sales and solution process and very impressive to the client. Once the contract is signed, the A Team go onto other sales opportunities and are "switched" with the B Team. The B Team is typically a group of lesser workers; often distinguished by worse clothes, worse hair, worse work ethic and a happier home life.

I think I'm being baited and switched with these apartments.

Truc Bach Lake. The first time I am shown an apartment I love. The next day I ask for it, only to find that it's priced 50% above the maximum price I gave to the agent. By way of coincidence, though, there happens to be one in the same building which is within my range. I  go and see it but it is much lower quality. 

Tong Duy Tan. The second time I am shown an apartment which I love. Within hours I start asking to negotiate price and rent conditions and am told it may be now given to someone else who saw it earlier. By way of coincidence, my agent happens to another one in the same building. I go and see it but it is much lower quality. 

Perhaps I should just take the one which was the river (with a gym downstairs) and hire a motorbike to ride the 10-15 min get into town? Or hold out for something else closer to the city ... 

Fuck fuck fuck.

the only apartment i've liked

Looks like I'm not going to get it. 

Apparently someone else saw it first and is considering it.

If he's trying to drive up my price, it's working.

Soooooo disappointing ...

... but i won't shine

[Ring Ring]

"Hello?"

"Yes-good-morning-sir-this-is-your-wake-up-call-you-have-a-good-day-OK-bye-bye." [Click]

Apartment hunt

I think I've found an apartment that I want.

It's very central, in a shabby area with lots of noise around it. It's not as nice as the one that was above a gym but it's close to lots of restaurants. Oink oink.

Will be making an offer on it tomorrow. I'm "cutting a deal" in terms of penalties if I break the year lease. I want an option to bail if I'm unhappy. Of course, if they don't agree I have no choice but to take it anyway.

I'm trying to get it under $2k USD per month, so I have money left in my housing allowance to buy extra furniture or electricals. Or lollies. Oink.

B - I - NGO

About a week ago I had a meeting with someone who is normally very reserved and disagreeable. At least, she is with me. The issue was fairly complicated and after slowly going through it in detail, with a few laboured language struggles, she suggested a solution that I thought was spot on.

My response: "Bingo" (thumbs up).

Her response: Spontaneous laughter and a softening around the eyes.

I have since used "Bingo" a few times with different people, male and female , in each case receiving a positive response.

I feel like Alexander Fleming when he discovered penicillin: don't know why it works, but it does, so use it for everything. I likewise expect that people will soon build up resistance to my techniques. Until then, though, it's a sweet ride. Bingo makes everyone happy.

My new favourite language teacher

Trang is a local Vietnamese teacher. I think she's the one in the middle. Here are some highlights from her website.

Firstly I'm not sure what those other smiling Vietnamese people are doing in the picture. I'm not convinced these are her students. The girl in red does not look genuinely happy, either. Her right shoulder seems insincere to me.

Trang says:

Here is what one of my best students had to stay: "I particularly appreciated your energy and enthusiasm, which never waned, despite the fact that I have been such a disappointing student!!"

But what she really means is:

"Anyone can be broken, even my best students. Think about that before you try to ask me the same question twice."

Trang says:

Cost of Lessons? Negotiable, depends on how fast you want to learn.

But what she really means is:

"The more you pay, the more I try. Think about that before you try to negotiate an attractive rate for yourself."

Trang says:

Non-cash payment choices:

Paypal
Good: Fast and inexpensive. Free to set up accounts. Transfer is instantaneous. Paypal only charges the recipient a very small percentage on each payment.
Bad: Must be Paypal members. This should take only a few minutes for most U.S. residents, but it can take several weeks for others.
Western Union Money Transfer
Good: Available in more countries than Paypal. Transfer is instantaneous.
Bad: Must go to the Western Union retail office to receive your money. The sender is charged a significant fee. This fee depends on the office location.
Direct Deposit:
Good: Nothing to set up. Very convenient if our accounts are at the same bank.
Bad: If you cannot access a branch of the bank where I have my account, you will be charged the inter-bank wire transfer fee. This fee to be usually approximately $35 U.S. equivalents at most banks.

But what she really means:

"If you don't pay me cash, I'm going to make your life hell. Think about that before you try to pay with a card."

Aside from Vietnamese, Trang will teach me to tell the truth.

Linguistic observation of the day

The only difference between  "cunt" and "can't" is how long we hold the vowel sound in our mouths.

Next time a foreigner says "You cunt be serious", don't be offended.

Tragic assumption of the day

"So you speak English?"

-- "Yes of course."

"You laugh at my joke. So your English is very good.  So did you go to school not in Vietnam?"

How I love ya how I love ya

My dinner tonight was Swan and Bamboo Noodle Soup.

The swan was revolting. "Sinewy" comes to mind.

Dinner conversation

"Those fucking ball-breaking women in senior management positions don't need to be like that. Someone should have pulled them aside much earlier in their career and had a word with them."

"So then I see this bird and she's - like - 15 out of 10 you know? Her jeans were practically painted onto her."

"Do you follow cricket mate? No? How about golf? No? Rugby? Um. Oh. Just tennis then? That reminds me of a time I went to see Ana Kournikova play and we were so close you could see the beads of sweat running down her leg."

I may add more when I've recovered.