Sarah Connor

My email log-in has been playing up ever since I arrived in Jakarta. The email is still working, but I'm not receiving all the mails when I synchronise with the server. I am having to ask colleagues to forward some important ones to me.

In truth, our technology is very patchy in Indonesia ... even in the fancy new offices. I guess they ran out of money for new machines.

I can't connect to any printers.

Last Friday night my wireless log-in program wouldn't work at all. I even couldn't get on to the network.

Then on Sunday my chat log-in stopped working. I expected it was part of some scheduled maintenance which was supposed to happen on Saturday.

Yesterday, right when we were about to finish printing our amending our proposal, I received about 6 automated emails saying my access to this or that had been denied.

No one else seems to be having so many problems.

So why me?

Then I realised.

I've been terminated.

So I tried to locate myself on the intranet and couldn't. No picture, no profile. Just someone called Kevin who shares the same surname. So I attempted many combinations of my name. No result. I asked la Reina and she couldn't find me. She tried to reassure me that this was a machine error, not a personal affront, but I could feel it in my waters.

I tried to find my employees.Success! I clicked on the "reporting line" link on one of them and discovered that they she floating out there alone; head-less.

Then I found another. And another. All floating. Headless. Me-less

Why me indeed!

One machine sent me a note this afternoon to inform me that my "User Id Does Not Exist".

Then another quite coldly stated "Employee Not Found Or Deleted".

This is not supposed to happen in my company, where departure is an highly automated and efficient process. You hand in your key, then a series of switches get flicked in cyberspace and you're out before you hit the elevator button.

In Vietnam, though, it seems to be a little more painful. And slow. And they also ensure it starts early. They want to make sure you get to feel it, just in case you get any ideas about coming back.

Do you think they don't like me?

I am due to return back this Thursday and have so many questions.

Will my key still work? Will there be someone else's name on my desk? Will I find someone at my chair? ... Rigidly, stoically, proprietorially perched?

I'm kind of excited about my desk. Butterflies excited.

I mean ... whatever will become of me????

What will I say?

What will I wear?

How's about a black cape, a pointy hat and a large glass of water ...

"I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?"

You Say Password, I Say Recalcitrant Masseuse

I just got my new password issued for the Indonesian email account.

It's nokumm4u.

Dirty bastards.

Oh. And no comments please ... Cheesel reads this blog and she's getting old. Which means she now wets herself when she laughs or gets offended. Or plays golf. Or goes to the ATM. Or watches tellie. Or coughs. You get the drift.

The Potato Ascent Has Slowed

Please go and vote me up (and the competition down).

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=potato

I want to be number 1 by May.

Such heady life goals ...

Bell Weathers

"Hey - how's the project going?"

-- "Look at Anthony's hair - what do you think?"

[verbatim]

Late Broken News

A volcano?

When did this all happen?

The 110 Hour Week

This has been a 110 hour week. (Give or take a few taxi rides, some blog entries and 45 min helping Pete put lipstick on his PowerPoint pig.)

Sun 13hrs (8am-10am, 13-midnight)

Mon 20hrs (midnight-8pm)

Tue 12 hrs (9am-7pm, 9pm-11pm)

Wed 15.5 hrs (8.30am-10pm, midnight-2am)

Thu 18 hrs (8.30am-2.30am)

Fri 17.5 hrs (7.30am-8.30am, 9am-1.30am)

Sat 14 .25hrs (8.45am-11pm)

The hardest thing about this? That it is all completely in vain.

The second hardest thing? Giving someone a really clear, urgent instruction and seeing them staring at me 5 minutes later as they vacantly watch me give another clear, urgent instruction to someone else.

People's heads crane up from their laptops at any given distraction. It's incredible. Sometimes I do it just spark up a conversation with someone if they will stop.

[fully sick]

Rewording

Me to my client:

"We can't expect the supplier to provide for the full $1m of this bond. They are only providing $300k in services. Just tell them we only expect them to provide for the services they are providing."

The subsequent email that he sent to our supplier:

"Hearing form you about the BOND value, we need back to back with client us$ 1M.

understanding that it is not fair for you, the min of BID BOND is based on your services provided.

That is MIN requirement but we expect you accept us$ 1M. Pls be advice? thanks"

Let me use this analogy:

Say I am selling a car and are my steering wheel supplier. If the car doesn't work, I need to replace it. If the steering wheel doesn't work, I still need to replace it but send it back to you, to replace or refund to me.

My dear friend has said

"If the entire car doesn't work, we have to replace the whole thing but it's really only fair for you to replace the steering wheel. However, as we would have to replace the car are wondering if you wouldn't mind just replacing the whole car as well. Is that ok?"

Supply Chains

This may be difficult to follow, but bear with me.

Today I sent the following email to a colleague:

"We can't expect the supplier to pay for $1 million insurance. They are only providing $300k in services. "

My email is effectively saying:

1. I am selling my customer a car and you are my steering wheel supplier.

2. No matter what the problem is, if the car doesn't work I need to replace it.

3. However, if the problem is the steering wheel then I still need to replace it but will recover these costs back from you.

My colleague took my advice, played with it a bit and sent the following email to our supplier:

"Hearing form you about the INSURANCE value, we need back to back with client us$ 1M.

understanding that it is not fair for you, the min of BID BOND is based on our spending to you.

That is Min requirement but we expect you accept us$ 1M. Pls be advice? thanks"

If it wasn't incomprehensible it would be ridiculous. Effectively, my dear friend has told our supplier that.

1. If the entire car doesn't work, we have to replace the whole thing.

2. In all fairness, the maximum we could really ask you to replace is the steering wheel. I mean, we know you just supply the steering wheels ...

3. However, we are just wondering if you wouldn't mind just paying for the whole car to be replaced, even if it's not your fault. Is that ok?"

The 10am Deadline I Worked All Night To Meet

09:00 Good morning everyone. Is Ahmed there? Where is Ahmed?

Actually he called this meeting at this time to review his document so he needs to be here. It's the only thing missing before we can send this all out.

Let me call him.

09:15 [ring ring] Ahmed? Are you here?.

Where are you?

OK well how bad is the traffic then ...? Alright thanks. See you in 5.

09:30 Can anyone get through to Ahmed? His phone isn't answering.

09:31 Voicemail left.

09:32 SMS sent

09:30 Can anyone get through to Ahmed? His phone still isn't answering. Is he in the office?

10:05. Did anyone hear from Ahmed?

10:07. You saw him having a cigarette downstairs? Are you serious?

10:10 Hi Ahmed. The meeting did not happen yet because you were not there.

Did you finish that document yesterday at 2pm as promised? No? Why not? Well when do you think it will be finished? Ok then we'll look at it at midday is that OK?

Remember you promised the client to sent it at 10 this morning.

Yes ok that's good. See you then.

12:05 [ring ring] Has anyone seen Ahmed? We were supposed to meet. His phone isn't answering

12:07 Voicemail left.

12:12 SMS sent

13:15 Has anyone seen Ahmed? His phone still isn't answering.

What do you mean by "Friday prayer"? When will he be back?

Why 2pm? What's "Fridayprayerfollowedbylunch?" Is this a religious practice?

Oh. Right. Just hungry then.

Someone's Having A Riot ...

... and I wasn't invited.

No one even told me that this was going on outside today:

http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-world/death-toll-from-jakarta-protest-rises-20100415-segn.html

I mean ... how the fuck would I know? ... it's not visible from the Starbucks at the Plaza Indonesia innit?

We were working back late and someone said "Hey - have there been riots today?", to which my colleague replied "Oh yeah - I think some people are unhappy with destroying the tombs." but I think it was an issue of nomenclature.

If my President was called Bambang I would riot as well.

Email Of The Day

This, in response to some feedback I sent to the team last night on a document:

Thanks Anthony,

I believe that this issue is being addressed by theteam [sic] today….

Unfortunately I can’t help cause I got diarrhea today that makes me stay in bed.

Many thanks

Andre

I imagined Andre lying in bed, wishing he could get to work but incapacitated by stomach cramps. Trapped in a mountain of stained white sheets.

[sick]

[fully sick]

Email Of The Day

".. The quote is $ 67.8M and the budget is only $10M. Could you confirm how this extra cost will be managed and who will be responsible to pay for this extra cost?"

I mean ... fucked if I know.

But I love the matter-of-fact nature of this. Like we're just missing a contact name from some list.

Fame and Whores

2 weeks ago I had some customer service "issues" at the Grand Hyatt Jakarta, which resulted me personally writing emails to the Global Chairman and CEO in Chicago.

Since taking such initiative, my experiences at the hotel have become decidedly different.

Take this evening at airport arrivals, for example. As I emerged from Customs and into the crowd I was greeted by someone in a dark suit, holding a Grand Hyatt sign:

"Hello! Welcome back Mr Anthony!"

-- "Oh. Hello. Who are? - Umm. I didn't book a car did I?"

"Yes! I know pak! [Indonesian for 'Sir'] But we saw your name on the reservations! So we come to greet you!"

On arrival in the hotel as I emerged from the cab:

"Hello Mr Anthony! Please come this way!"

-- "Oh. Hello. Who are? - Umm. I have to check-in ..."

"No. Come this way. You check in at the room. You're Platinum now so no need with the desk."

He escorted me up the elevator, opened the door and simply handed me the key. No credit card swipe, no signed forms.

Now, everywhere I turn in this joint, people know my name. That's what happens when you bypass the Duty Manager and lodge your complaint directly with the Global CEO. Or as in my case, copy and paste it to the Global Chairman as well.

Even the cleaners know me by name. They give me a cheery "Hello pak Anthony" in the hallways in the morning.

As I pass all these smiling faces I can't help but imagine a photocopy of my passport on the staff notice board. There are pins in my eyes and a hastily-drawn moustache. I wonder why they chose a red pen for the moustache, and if the hole near my nostril was deliberate or a slip of the nib.

This is not how I wanted things to end at all. I didn't do anything wrong.

I simply asked them to cook my $35 steak with $35 worth of skill.

I just wanted my breakfast coffee refilled in less than 10 mins.

At best, I hoped they would identify and remove the most rancid grapes from my complimentary fruit basket before dumping it on the side table next next to the telly.

The fruit is a real life example from last night. There is nothing quite like the shock of bad fruit. It gets me every time. I start chewing and then come to a sudden realisation that things aren't right. Shock is the right word. A bruised apple or a soft grape can be quite mortifying. It's the same effect as when a baby eats dirt - everything goes in quite well, with chocolate expectations, until the baby suddenly realises that whatever went in is not so delicious. The face suddenly drops and the eyes tremble as the tongue frantically pushes its contents back out.

Back to the Grand Hyatt.

Indonesians are naturally friendly, especially in service situations. The Hyatt fuck-ups were actually an exception to the rule but regardless, I now miss them.

Service fuck-ups are far easier to handle than the hell they're putting me though.

My skilful complaining has resulted in the whole hotel turning up its service a few diabetes-inducing, sycophantic notches. But I didn't wanna be a contender and I didn't wanna be somebody, so it's quite painful.

Everyone knows who I am. Everyone. This must be what it's like to be famous. All eyes are on you, all the time. No wonder Angelina Jolie buys her babies from Africa because in an American orphanage, they'd all be staring at her and she'd have to pretend she was buying it for a friend.

I now need to recover the tatters of my reputation from this godforsaken smiling palace ... I need to give the staff something else to scribble onto my photocopied passport image. Maybe I could order a whore up to my room?

Actually, even better:

"Hello! Operator speaking! How are you this evening Mr Anthony?"

-- "Good thanks. Could I please book a wake-up call?"

"Certainly Mr Anthony what time would you like it for, sir?"

"-- "6:30"

"6:30 in the morning Mr Anthony? Would you like a second wake-up call 5 minutes later?"

-- "Yes please."

"Is that all Mr Anthony?"

-- "Yes that's all"

"Well I hope you have a nice sleep them."

-- "Why do you say that? Do you wanna come up?"

"No sir. I didn't mean that. I was just wishing you for a good sleep."

-- "You're quite welcome to come up. Really. You know where I am."

"That's OK sir. Good night."

-- "Night then. Sure you won't come up later?

"Ok then. After my shift."

Kafkaesque

Meanwhile, back at the office things have been hotting up.

I just found out that I had a new boss. This is how:

• My travel request was rejected on the basis of "email address not found".
• I looked up my manager on the intranet and he had disappeared. No trace.
• I looked up myself on the intranet and I was thankfully still there.
• My nominated "manager" was a new person.
• So I contacted her and yes, indeedy, she's my new boss.

Nobody knows where my manager's gone.

(But Judy left the same time.)

Perishables

The headline in the SMH read "Polish President Dies"

Silly me: I immediately thought that the CEO of a varnish factory had perished.

However, the words in the SMH revealed the truth:

"... some of the country's highest military and civilian leaders died when the presidential plane crashed ..."

Tragedy

"Kaczynski was on his way to attend commemorative ceremonies for the Katyn massacre, which decimated Poland's military and intellectual elite 70 years ago."

Irony

"Black ribbons appeared in some windows in the Polish capital ..."

... and this was before the crash.

Kaczynski Sought to Rid Poland of Corruption, Forge Ties to US‎ -

Kiss of death policy.

"There were no survivors on the Soviet-era Tupolev"

The plane probably did it.

"Russian news agencies reported that pilot error was suspected as a cause in the crash."

The plane definitely did it.

"Kaczynski, the identical twin brother of former prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski, had said he would seek a second term in presidential elections later this year."

Jaroslaw should turn up for work on Monday and pretend nothing has happened.

To Whit

As I watch this I just can't help thinking about the journey he took to this destination.

I see a full-length mirror. Mum's wig. An unflattering red dress. And some minstral makeup mishaps.

Sure, it's better than Teen vietnam sing The show perfect and so surprise!. But only just.

Cat Stand It

Just because ...

Right Jak-art-yer

After a few days back in Jakarta, it seems like my "Dumb Anthony" nickname has stuck.

It's really stuck.

One of my colleagues was recounting how he told his wife about the 2 Anthony's - Smart Anthony and Dumb me, the other one. Apparently she thought it was HIGHlarious!

As I thanked him for opening up all this to his family, I split my coffee down the front of my white shirt (providing him with another Dumb Anthony proof point.)

Probability

In the shitty upstairs restaurant at Noi Bai airport, Hanoi. I needed to go there for wifi and electricity:

"Excuse me. I can't hear the airport announcements from here."

-- "Yes?"

"Can I hear the announcements here? The flights? The times?"

-- "No. Can not. What time your flight?"

"It's 1.30 - to Singapore."

-- "That's ok. [smiles] Someone comes to tell you."

"Really? Always? They always come and check?"

[smiles and points at the escalator]

-- "Yes they come."

"Really? Always? They always come and check?"

[smiles and looks me in the eye]

-- "Not always"

"Sorry. But. They will come here or not?"

-- "Usually. Yes."

[Smiles again and looks down at the bottle of prescription pills that seems to have appeared in her hand.]

Cross-branded Promotion Of The Century

This week, Sensodyne toothpaste teamed up with Coca Cola in a cross-sell initiative at the Fivimart supermarket in Xuan Dieu, Hanoi.

Buy one tube of Sensodyne toothpaste, get 2 cans of Coke free. The cans were taped to the sides of the packaging, like panniers on a bike.

I returned to the supermarket with my camera but it was sold out. You'll just have to take my word for it.

It will take more than 90 years to top this. I'm calling it early.