This Week's Lessons

A few things I learnt this week:

1. If you don’t pronounce the word “beef” correctly you will accidentally say “mistress”. For the past 7 weeks I have been ordering Mistress Noodle Soup for breakfast. 
   
   
2. If you don’t say “I would like to go ...” correctly you will be saying “I can go fuck myself”. For the past 5 weeks I have been getting into cabs after work and saying “I would like to go fuck myself at 56 Xuan Dieu St”.
   
   
3. If you ask your colleague to teach you swear words he will teach you words which have no meaning. This is his way of ensuring you don't swear. When you eventually point this out to him ("Hey you told me I could say 'Meh Met' but that doesn't mean anything") he will smile and nod and say "This word has no meaning in Vietnamese". He will then teach you a replacement word which, after another week, you discover also has no meaning in Vietnamese.
   
   
4. As a rule, Vietnamese people are not able to understand your attempts to speak their language. There is one exception. If you refer to yourself a fat potato you will always be understood. They will also find it funny and true. This reaction will occur within any context and no matter how bad your accent. The most common reaction will be for the recipient to point at your stomach while nodding and laughing while repeating "yes, fat potato" a few times.
   
   
5. If you learn to ask for "no sugar" when ordering coffee, this translates to “please don’t add sugar but go ahead and add an inch of condensed milk ... please ensure it lurks there silently at the bottom of the cup until one of my final gulps releases it in a manner that makes me panic, gag and nearly fall off my plastic chair”.
   
   
6. If you try to say “I am fat” while ordering no sugar and no condensed milk they will agree, point, laugh and nod while secretly adding both to your coffee.
   
   
7. If you don’t say “pig” correctly you will accidentally say “cunt”. For the past 4 days I have been learning how to say “I have the cunt flu”.
   
   
8. Never ask anyone how to say anything in Vietnamese. You will be taught stuff which is completely useless, has only ever been used in that person’s immediate family and cannot be understood by anyone else. "Yes I understand but we don't say it. Don't say it."
   
   
9. When you get into a cab you only have 20 seconds to say what you need. After that, you cease to exist. Potatoes who attempt to speak to the driver mid trip do not exist. Potatoes who are traveling with their Vietnamese colleagues will find that while the colleague is allowed to speak to the driver to clarify directions and addresses ... if the potato attempts to get involved in any way he will be completely ignored. These rules are strictly applied, even if said potato is the only one who knows the right address and has it written down.