A Will O' The Wisp

New good things about Maria:

Example 1: bribery tips

Maria: "Mr Anthony here is your new Police card."

Me: "What's it for?"

Maria: "You have to carry it with you."

Me: "Why?"

Maria: "In case Police stop you and ask for it."

Me: "Why would they do that?"

Maria: "Just put it in your wallet ok?"

Me: "There's no room in my wallet for another card. Also , I need this card for my residency so I don't want to lose it. Why would they stop me? Like ... when I am drink driving?"

Maria: "Yes. Maybe."

Me: "Then I can just bribe them when I'm drink driving? I don't need to carry this card. I'll just give them money?"

Maria: "No more than 100 thousand, ok?" [It's about $10]

Me: "No more than 100 thousand? For drink driving?"

Maria: "Drink driving or other things. 100 is enough. No more."

Me: "Thanks for the tip."

Maria: "Yep."

Then she turned on a dime and was gone.

Example 2: Dehors

Maria doesn't like being at her desk. This means she will happily do any errand to avoid it - pay bills, top-up my phone, buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning, get me something for lunch. I find this far more useful than booking meeting rooms and conference calls.

At 11:30am today she went for her usual 15 mins Friday prayer-followed-by-lunch. Maria's Friday lunch typically lasts between 2 hours and forever, depending on how many cigarettes she wants to cram into it. I try not to need her on Friday afternoons but at 1:45pm today I needed to call her back for an errand I didn't have time for.

I sent her straight back out to buy phone credit and she reacted as if I had asked her to take the rest of the afternoon off. Which I suppose I had.

Potastic

The potato has finally achived its rightful place.

Wonder what goals I should set for the next year?

Or maybe I've now achieved everything I've ever needed to. Maybe this is it?

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 9

I'm becoming obsessed with nannies.

Just today

Just spotted another one in the office, trailing behind a child who was on the arm of its mother. This one was in a uniform (white, basic pantsuit with pink trim on collars and front pocket).

I guess they came to pick up mum at the office. It's just like having a husband, but without the sex. I hope.

I imagine her barking at the nanny on arrival:

"I'll take it from here, Yanti!"

Just yesterday

During lunch I a woman arrive with her 2 kids and a nanny in a yellow uniform. They sat down at a table of 4. This left a spare seat, because the Nanny remained standing through the meal, in case someone needed something. Anything.

This was in a food court.

I kept trying to sneak a stare and in the end I snuck a photo.

I did not look up at them at all after the photo, just in case they thought I had taken a photo. I try to completely deflect the situation when I am being sneaky like this and never look back at the scene of the crime.

Clearly, though, they all caught me.

Just in general

I keep noticing nannies everywhere, actually. I think it's because they are every fucking where. I was at the mall the other day with a friend and said "Hey look - there's another nanny!"

He just said "What's up with you and Nannies?". I think I also spotted an eye roll in a nearby reflection. The handy thing about the malls here is that there are reflections everywhere. Learn to use your mirrors and you need never miss anything. Much like the gym.

Turns out that whole nanny thing this is not such a novelty for Indonesians, who see nothing odd about all this childcare servitude. Some of them use the term "my servants" to refer to those in their employ.

No wonder the nannies smack the little fuckers when their parents aren't watching. Least that's what I imagine happens.

My Weekend In Pictures

An ordinary weekend in J-town.

Friday evening 19:30

For some reason my taxi stand had no taxis in it. Instead, there were a couple of tanks parked there.

I looked left:

I looked right:

Then an ojek (illegal motorbike taxi) driver in a yellow t-shirt cheerily jumped into the frame.

I took a close-up him before jumping on the back of his bike with my laptop bag and shopping. Looks safe, doesn't he?

The trip could be best described as "knocking the potato's elbows and bags into lots of stuff - mostly other traffic".

Later I found out that the reason for all the security was that the Swiss Ambassador was meeting the Indonesian President nearby. My colleague explained that because Switzerland houses much of Indonesia's wealth, so they take such matters seriously.

Saturday 16:00, the noodle shop downstairs from the gym.

If you've only got enough money for one artwork to adorn your entire noodle store, why not commission a picture of the Ku Klux Klan enjoying your fare?

Sunday Morning, Harvey Nichols

I forgot to take a photo of the t-shirt on the other side, which was even better. It simply said "Cowboys are cooler than Ninjas"

Sunday afternoon, Grand Indonesia

Athletes advertising Reebok.

The age of Sharipova is finally over and we are now embracing the idea of grimacing lesbians endorsing global brands. A fugly way to move product.

A whole city dedicated to Cheesel.

Friday evening, 22:00, beside Loewy's bar and restaurant

Overheard at the bowling green:

"Trish, what's Anthony up to now? Last I heard he had moved to Vietnam."

-- "Oh Madge - he's living in Indoneeeesia now! He's always been interested in other cultures and it sounds like he's really fitting in well."

"That's lovely. I bet he's a hit with the ladies."

All this - and I haven't even included the circumcision or my house warming.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 8

From someone's CV:

Languages

· Bahasa Indonesia = Mother tongue · English = Fluent · Chinese = Poor · Traditional languages = Fluent

Such impressive language skills ... so why does he decide to tell us that his Chinese is fucked?

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 7

There has been a toddler running around our office today making noise.

Every now and then, someone will bring their kid into the office. This is usually during school holidays or some other time when they can't arrange childcare at short notice. It was pretty common in Australia and even Vietnam, where every 6 months or so would be some type of "kids in the office" day. Wot larks.

Nothing unusual about this, right?

Nothing schmuthing

This toddler is being stalked. As he runs along the corridors and between desks, there is someone trailing behind him, wearing a stained yellow t-shirt and looking like an insolent teenager. Come to think of it, she probably is an insolent teenager.

Tha't's right. This toddler comes with a nanny. A bored nanny.

Aren't you supposed to bring kids to work because you have run out of childcare options? What's with the nanny? Why doesn't she take her toddler and her plain face to the mall? Why? Why?

It's confounding.

On the subject of nannies though ... in Indonesia they are quite common. At "nice" restaurants it's not uncommon to spot the family sitting there and the nanny in tow to attend to the child(ren). Sometimes there is a kids table and a couple of uniformed nannies serving them.

Even the gym offers childcare. Just dump your kid in the bright yellow room and a grim nanny appears to look after him.

Because that's the thing: Indonesian nannies are always grim.

Bored and grim, in fact.

Or more accurately ... bong-smokingly bored and infanticidally grim.

Scissors

I received an invitation on my desk today from a colleague.

His son's face was splattered all over the card like an American milk carton. It was all in Indonesian so he explained it was a party for his son. This Saturday from 11:00-14:00.

Me: "Oh ... is it his birthday?"

Him: "No. It's his - umm - scissors."

Me: "Scissors?"

Him: "You know ... [starts peforming a one-act play]"

I'm not good at charades so it took me a while. An embarrassing while, as it turned out, but I finally got what he was saying.

This Saturday I'm going to a circumcision. A three-hour circumcision.

There are so many concerns I have about this but two in particular are playing on my mind:

1. What do I wear?

2. What do I bring?

3. Would it be impolite to turn up drunk?

I know that's more than 2 ... but who do you think you are? Maria or somethink?

How Do You Solve A Problem

Maria is helping me get a postpaid phone number.

Just like in Vietnam, it requires an enormous amount of paperwork including full copy of passport (all pages), mother's maiden name (slutface), etc.

After a strong nudge, Maria filled out as much as she could and came to my desk to guide me in the remaining areas.

Me: "Religion? What should I put?"

Maria: [laughs] "Something. I don't know. Just put Christian."

Me: "Really? Isn't religion like Catholic or protestant or something?"

Maria: "Christian. It's stupid. No one cares."

I didn't bother clarifying whether Maria considered the question itself to be stupid, or the Christian.

The next section was Marital Status, which I loved because there were only 2 options:

1. "Married"

2. "Not Yet Married"

Finally we got to hobbies.

Me: "Hobbies? They want to know my hobbies?"

Maria: "Yeah. Just write 'hanging around'"

Which I did.

It was only later that I realised she may have been trying to insult me. Other secretaries would suggest that I may like golf. Or swimming. Or reading.

Not mine though. Maria seems to feel that the most her yet-to-be-married christian boss could amount to in his spare time is to hang around.

And she's kinda right. Ok mostly right. OK right.

I like her pluck.

Farewell Trend

Last time I thought it was a one-off but there seems to be a pattern in the farewell emails here.

This farewell email just came through, with the following final sentence:

"Lastly please accept my humble apology should any of my action, thoughts, expressions or words caused displeasure or misunderstanding to you."

It's cute.

Strange but cute.

Copas

I've just had a new entry approved in Urban Dictionary:

Copas

Please vote for this one. I have a chance of winning this race.

And while you're at it ... throw a bone the potato's way. It's still hovering at number 2 with little hope ... the Optus of Urban Dictionary.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 7

Me: Please make this your priority. We need to prepare now because the Jim will arrive Monday and only stay for 5 days.

Arup: Good.

Arup: That gives me some breathing time.

Me: Arup Why?

Arup: Oh I just read your sentence again. there is no breathing time right?

Me: Correct. no breathing. so chop chop please.

Arup: What Job?

Me: Never mind.

Arup: OK thanks Anthony.

Me: You're welcome.

Arup: :)

If this ever starts to feel normal, I need to leave. Or will be in so deep that I can't.

Maria Non Sequitur Number 1

For the last 3 hours, Maria has been wandering around the office with a bright lime green polyester handbag. I think she's trying to sell it because she held it up to me and asked if I'd pay 30,000 for it (about $3).

As I walked to my meeting room and saw her sitting in a pod, still clutching the green bag but surrounded by young men. They were all distracted from their work and chatting away in Indonesian

As I walked away I heard the word "Anthony" followed by a lot of laughter. A lot.

"This can't be a good sign," I thought to myself, so I turned around and said in perfect Indonesian slang "Hey - I understand what you're saying."

But I didn't understand. This is just a phrase I rehearsed to help me fit in. Fucking backfired.

A Flibbertigibbet

Excerpt from a conversation with Maria today:

Me: i need you to get 2 things quite urgently - we can discuss them when you come to collect the document.

Maria: will come after lunch.

Me: time please?

Maria: around 1

Me: ok fine but remember i have a long meeting at 13.30 so please don't be late.

Maria: ok

Maria: ok

I think that second "OK" was a little unnecessary. I spotted Maria's eyes rolling over it.

People in Indonesia take lunch very seriously and the default response to questions about when anything will be done, or anyone will be available, is "after lunch". While lunch typically goes from 12-1pm, After Lunch can be any time from 3pm to 8pm. However, when someone uses this timeframe on a Friday morning it usually signals that you will be chasing this again on Monday afternoon.

So in the end Maria came straight down. I don't think she liked the idea of having to wrap-up her lunch early. So I asked her of course:

"So you don't have lunch now?"

-- "Yes but my friends are leaving in 15 minutes later and I am eating at the EX so it's going to be a longer time to get back."

"But EX is only 3 minutes walk from here"

-- "Yes ... [big sigh] ... but ...[eye roll] ... I have other things like maybe stopping to look at things and also for smoking."

I couldn't argue with that. While Maria may be a bit slow off the cuff, and her excuses were lame, the confidence in her delivery was remarkable.

I then signed something for her. This elicited the following observation:

"So you're a left?"

-- "Left handed? Yes. It's very unusual in Indonesia isn't it?"

"Yes but also me. They say we will die earlier"

-- "You mean from smoking?"

"No. From left handed. Left handed die young."

-- "OK"

I still mumbled "smoker" under my breath. A whispered attack from someone frightened and on death's door.

On balance, though, I saw this as a breakthrough. Maria may be taking me down, but in this instance she's prepared to take a bullet with me. And she called me young.

Nearly dead, mind, but young. I'll take that.

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 6

Like most people, I work in an open plan office.

In such offices people use a meeting room to make conference calls so that the noise doesn't distract others.

Not in Indonesia. No sirree.

The noisiest country in the world has no such concerns about disruption. People here just crowd around a desk, pull chairs up and sit there speaking into a phone which talks back at them. A magical phone.

The cacophany of 3 or 4 conference calls happening around you can be quite distracting but I've learnt to block it out. I've even started making my own noisy calls on speaker at my desk: a habit that will ensure I can never work in an organised country again.

Today I witnessed a new variation of this practice in the desk beside me. 4 people were standing around a desk, on speaker phone. They were waiting on hold and the music was quite groovy - Indopop groovy, mind.

All of a sudden people started giggling and dancing around the phone, singing a long. Then someone at another desk about 10 metres away popped up from his desk divider and into view. He too started giggling and broke into an arm waving jig for about 5 seconds before sitting down and getting back to his work.

Faggots

This, from Urban dictionary

Word: Faggot

Definition: A bundle of sticks or wood.

Usage: "Faggots built my home."

Indian Non Sequitur Number 1

Some phrases often used by my Indian colleagues, which I like a lot.

Doing The Needful

Known to most of us as "Would you mind ...?".

It is commonly used in India and I like it a lot. Email I received today:

Hi Anthony,

Please do the needful, to comply with requirements set by Dee Kuan in the mail below.

Sometime

Known to most of us as "Fuck off - not yet".

The emphasis is on the word "some", not "time", which is why I spell it as one word.

"Sometime" is used to obtain additional time to complete any task. It overrules any previous commitments made.

Conversation from today (imagine a very strong, Apu-like accent):

Me: "It's really overdue. Are you working on it today?"

Sudhir: "Yes Anthony. We are working on it now."

Me: "When do you think it will be ready?"

Sudhir: "Oh ... I think it will take sometime".

Me: "So how long then?"

Sudhir: "Oh ... not long Anthony. Soon now. It just needs sometime."

Me: "Umm ... great. Thanks."

Sudhir: "You're welcome Anthony."

Or this, from the call centre queue at Idea Cellular, the second largest mobile phone company in India. Imagine a hyper-enthusiastic Indian woman:

"Thank you for calling Idea! All our operators are busy! Please hold the line! We will be with you in sometime!"

The missing article

For some reason, while Indians speak fantastic English (most people I work with are educated in English and speak it like a native) they always omit the "the" when referring to the USA or the office.

"That was when I was working in USA ..." or "Oh yes. That's quite common in USA"

"Are you in office now?" or "OK Anthony I will call you when I am back in office."

I have now incorporated these shortcuts into my own vernacular.

It's really quite a time saver. A linguistic dishwasher, as it were.

Turtles

What is it with turtles these days? No matter where you go, then always look grim.

This oily turtle was found in the Gulf of Mexico and seems very annoyed with BP.

Lazy and annoyed.

Singaporean Non Sequitur Number 3

This evening, ordering my room service. Imagine a strong Singaporean Chinese accent on the other end of the phone:

"And what would you like with your omelette sir? You can have 3 items."

-- "Ham, onion and green chilli please"

"That's a ham, onion and green chilli?"

-- "Yes please."

"OK. Oh. And the green chilli. You know it soaked with a nigger?"

I have a very bad habit of repeating whatever I hear. This was no exception.

-- "Umm ... [bold gulp] ... soaked with a nigger?

"Yes. With a nigger. Is that OK yeah?"

-- "Nigger? ... Oh! You mean soaked with vinegar?"

"Yeah yeah sir; with a nigger. "

-- "With a nigger is no problem. Thanks"

"Welcome. Good night sir."

Propheteering

Raj is not used to writing salesy proposals, but seemed keen to try so I thought I'd give him a go.

This evening I opened up his latest draft, to review it before being sent to the client. On the first page, Raj had written an Executive Summary which began with:

As rightly told by prophet Kahlil Gibran “A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle” .

Goodness.

I love the deliberate inclusion of "rightly".

Indonesian Non Sequitur Number 6

Usually included on CV's in Indonesia:

- marital status

- how many children, their sexes and ages

- religion

- date and place of birth

Found today in a CV:

- married

- no kids yet ("none yet")

- Muslim

- Bogor, 24/04/1978

...

- kindergarten

Yes. His kindergarten!

How sweet.