Who wants a Tung Bash?

I went looking for Mr Tung three times today: 8am, 10:30 and 18:30.

No sign. 

Each time I asked where he was. Each time no one knew.

Is this Vietnam's Nicky Webster?

Pacific Rort

I intend to meet this high achiever tomorrow and rate him myself.

If he cannot handle being put through his paces,  I am not above appealing.

For the record, Mr Tung:

• I, too, was working in an industrious-but-friendly manner at the Pacific Place building last month.
  

• I, too, like flowers.
  

• I, too, am the sort of person who would accept a silver Logie.
  

• I have never even seen you on the front desk, much less being nice to anyone.
  

NFAR

Pedestrian tip of the day

This from the Hilton mini guide to Hanoi:

"When crossing the road, walk slowly at a constant pace. Do not change pace or turn back."

It works.

Driving tip of the day

Do not ever, under any circumstances, hesitate to pull out into oncoming traffic. 

Say my name, say my name.

Nearly everyone in Vietnam has a first, middle and family name and, in keeping with the language, they are all single syllables. Vietnamese names are written in reverse order as well, eg Nguyen Long Quoc's first name is Quoc. 

I've been set up in the intranet with my name backwards.

So today I received a phone call which began:

"Hello? May I please speak with Murrell?"

-- Umm ... Murrell speaking.

Followed by an email which began:

"Dear Joe, Stephen, Jessica and Orgill ..."

Happy my surname is not Hogg. Or Cockburn,

Direct insults of the day

Edwina, my Australian colleague, is chatting with one of our Vietnamese clients.

Her speech is a combination of baby talk and eager-but-staccato-slow-to-the-point-of-condescending speech. I think she sees them as them as friendly natives.

A few quotes from her:

"So do you speak Chinese? Oh No? That's right, yes yes. Because the Chinese invaded you didn't they?

"Do you speak French? No? Well they were here, too, before, also. They stayed until you fought them - fighting them - and they run away." [I kid you not. At this point I was just sitting there, mouth agape, no longer typing my own document but typing out this dialogue in total shock.]

"But now you speak English very good, right? You learn English a long time? Even though you fight to get the Americans out. And you win and they have to leave? But you still learn English now."

"Everyone wants to move here to Vietnam and you need to fight them to go."

-- For fuck's sake, Edwina. 

Backhanded insult of the day

"You speak good English ... when you sing."

-- said by my Australian colleague, to one of the locals in our meeting, when he hummed a few notes from a song.

Oh, but what a journey it were, Pip!

"Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh."

-- Quentin Crisp

I have now been brushing my teeth in Hanoi tap water for 3 weeks with no ill consequences. This journey could go one of three ways: 

1) Using tap water to wash down my morning vitamins; or

2) Implementation of a similar initiative when I'm in Thailand; or

3) Old Lace (http://news.bio-medicine.org/biology-news-2/Northern-Vietnam-drinking-water-contains-dangerous-arsenic-levels-9565-1/)

Засада: the sequel

Well, I've received several more messages now and will be decrypting them over the weekend.

All I need now is to find an outfit that will blends nicely with the Siberian landscape.

Happy St Patrick's Day. Cheesel I hope it wasn't green undies again.

Hinterhalt

Засада, or "zasada", is the Russian word for ambush.

I can now say that I am being spied on by Russians and it's all very 70's Zhivago Cold War realness.

Yesterday some new people from the client's HQ in Moscow arrived, without warning, to run our project. In one day we have already received a bunch of vague questions and mixed messages and I'm yet to work out what they mean.

Last night when I was asked to attend a client meeting in hte evening. I arrived in the boardroom to see the Russian CEO, Russian CMO, Russian CIO, Russian COO, two Russian consultants and one Vietnamese local (clearly a double agent).

They sat me down in a central chair across from the CEO. He smiled, leaned forward and said "So, Tony, tell us how your workshops are going ...".  It was such a silly cliché but at the same time too scary to giggle about in the moment.

I leaned back and maintained eye contact. I resisted the urge to ask for a cigarette and a phone call. I tried to quickly guess his agenda and took a deep breath. I decided to take the "you probably think things arre not progressing well" assumption and launched into my spiel: "Well it's perfectly natural to feel a bit anxious at such an early stage of the project ...". 

Take your Засада and shove it up your arse, Boris.

Arriving back at the hotel

Being greeted by the uniformed Hilton Commissionaire as my colleague and i arrive at the hotel and he opens the taxi door for us:

-- "Good evening sir ... Oh ... You two don't look so good."

Dinner Fears

I'm sitting in a very boring workshop presentation behind a very boring colleague who is also Australian.

Oh no. Now she's taken off her shoes, hiked up her skirt and is sitting while hugging her knees to her chest. She's also interrupting questions to the presenter by providing her own answers in excruciatingly slow English that is more condescending than useful. Like yelling at deaf people.

We have a team dinner tonight and she contaminated the previous dinner by going through that day's work events again, and again, with obvious insights and inaccurate retellings, banal pontification and embellished-yet-still-dull anecdotes.

I live in dread.

Insight of the day: weight.

No matter how much I weigh, I will always be aiming to lose 5 kg while secretly hoping for 8. Fact.

Learning Vietnamese I think I'm learning Vietnamese I really think so.

While I admire her honesty, Our Claire is clearly not a student of marketing ...

Claire, Saturday morning

Hi Anthony,

Thank you for attention to my classifieds.

About your question :

- Do I have qualifications? No, I don't. I'm a student of Vietnamese National University , specialized literature.

- Do I have a formal lesson plan to follow? Yes, of course. I use a formal lesson from Academy Press and Propaganda.

- What's my rates for private lessons ? $6/hour

If you are really want to learn but you aren't sure about me ( I know, of course ) You can try 2 times, it's demo lessons ( free ). And then, you can decide you want to continue or not. Anyway, this is my first time I teach Vietnamese.

So, sent me one mess if you want to try, my number : 0934.68.54.53

Have a good day !

See you !

Claire

===

No sex no drugs no wine no women no fun no me no you no wonder it's dull. (Where did that come from?)

My secret Darling

When registering for my mobile phone account, the Secret ID Question options (in case you forget your password) are as follows:

- What is your mother's maiden name?

- Name of your first childhood pet?

- What is your darling’s name?

Oh derr Fred. Nancy.

Oh, and someone comes to the office every month to collect the money for the phone bill! I'm a bit nervous about our first meeting and am planning to wear my favourite silver tie and new white cufflinks.)

Floral tribute

the flowers ...

... and the bath full of wrapping paper they came with

Top dollar, bone lazy.

Me, Monday evening

Hi Le Minh

I am moving to the French Quarter soon. I am a single person, looking for cleaning, shopping and sometimes cooking but not always.

Could you please tell me your rates and your hours available?

Thanks

Tony

Minh, Wednesday morning

Hi Anthony,

Thank you for your letter , I can work from Monday to Friday(From 2p.m to 6p.m).

My rates is about 1,5dollar/hour.

Can you tell me what you want to do in how many hours ?

Hope you reply soon.

Thanks,

I don't think I am ready to go through with this.

I'm speaking English from now on. Fuck 'em

===

Me, Saturday morning

Subject: Vietnamese language lessons

Hi there

I am newly arrived in Hanoi. I am working here and interested in Vietnamese language lessons.

Please contact me if you provide these or know someone who can.

Regards

Tony

===

Anh Ngoc, Sunday morning

From: Anh ngoc

please give me somemore information about you, thanks!

===

Me, Sunday afternoon

To: Anh ngoc

Subject: Re: Vietnamese language lessons

Which information do you need?

I work in downtown area and will be moving to an apartment in Westlake.

Due to my work hours, I cannot commit to formal classes so I need lessons privately in the evenings and weekend days. Please send me your rates or call me to discuss lesson plans.

My phone number is below.

Regards

Tony

===

Monday morning

From: Anh ngoc

Subject: Re: Vietnamese language lessons

which information? any information, any information that is enough for me to trust you. You think I can easily meet a stranger like you in evenings? It's crazy. I need something safe. You see? I'm just a girl. Who knows what can happen? So that's what I need.

==

I am tempted to respond back and ask her what she's wearing.

 

The food is great and all, but it's amazing how friendly the locals are

These people seem nice, don't they?

Me, Friday evening

To: Thanh Xuan

Subject: Vietnamese lessons

Dear Thanh

Your company is listed as providing private Vietnamese lessons in Hanoi. I am living here and looking for basic tuition.

Preferably this would be evenings and weekend days: one lesson per week. Please advise me your availability and rates at your earliest convenience.

Kind regards

Tony

===

Thanh, Saturday morning 

From: Thanh Xuan

Subject: Re: Vietnamese lessons

No we do not supply this service anymore.

Bye

=====

Me, Saturday evening

To: Thanh Xuan

Subject: Re: Vietnamese lessons

No problem. Could you please recommend anyone?

===

Thanh, Sunday morning

From: Thanh Xuan

thanks

But now we are not available.

===

Me, Sunday afternoon

To: Thanh Xuan

Subject: Re: Vietnamese lessons

Can you please tell me the name of any other teacher?

===

Thanh, Sunday afternoon

To: Thanh Xuan

Subject: Re: Vietnamese lessons

No.

Pho' Ga

My first attempt at a Vietnamese breakfast this morning at the Hilton buffet. Granted it's no street stall, but we all gotta start somewhere.

I ordered a chicken pho (pho' ga) for breakfast from the uniformed sous chef at the Egg Station. He does omelettes, fried eggs and pho' ga.

The Ph is an "f" sound. The o is like ö in German. Or œ as in œfs as in French, which explains why the Egg Station makes a good fit.

So pho' is pronounced like "fer". As in "Oh ... fer fuck's sakes, Cheesel!".

The "ga" is like in "ga ga", but halved. Or like "gaaarn", as in "gaaarn Cheesel ... one more durry can't hurt".

So it's fer ga.

It made for a better breakfast than I had anticipated. Even the extra chilli worked.

Pho doesn't pair nicely with coffee, mind. I blame the coffee.